Curly5
Premiership Player
Nature gave men two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most. -- George R. Kirkpatrick
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
Did you hear about the blond who went to the automotive store
to ask for a new dipstick, as the one in her car didn't reach
the oil?
Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The
following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn
Gray: Re-heated Oldies."
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied,
"in-laws."
Bill & Judy met at a resort and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Judy, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to the motor home near spilled sewerage. A police spokesperson said that the man admitted trying to steal petrol and had plugged his hose into the motor home's sewerage tank by mistake. He had tried to syphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he had ever had.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink."Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from" "I'm from Ireland ," replies the second man.The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply."I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
I'm really glad the guy who invented the Ray Gun was named Ray. Being shot with a Fred gun just wouldn't sound as cool.
---Bob Neanover
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks - one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom.
Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation.
"What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of
imagination." -Oscar Wilde
When the English playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club
lat at night after witnessing the first presentation of a
play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How
did your play go tonight, Oscar?
"Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience
was a failure."
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-
average drivers." --Dave Barry
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT
Tame way, unique up on it.
The doctor took his patient into a room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news first."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
Cleaning out the birdhouse at a downtown zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age.
In the ape house he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also gone on their reward...
Thrifty beaver that he is, he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tosses them in the lion's cage at feeding time.
"Not finch and chimps again," roars the lion.
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
Did you hear about the blond who went to the automotive store
to ask for a new dipstick, as the one in her car didn't reach
the oil?
Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The
following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn
Gray: Re-heated Oldies."
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied,
"in-laws."
Bill & Judy met at a resort and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Judy, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to the motor home near spilled sewerage. A police spokesperson said that the man admitted trying to steal petrol and had plugged his hose into the motor home's sewerage tank by mistake. He had tried to syphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he had ever had.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink."Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from" "I'm from Ireland ," replies the second man.The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply."I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
I'm really glad the guy who invented the Ray Gun was named Ray. Being shot with a Fred gun just wouldn't sound as cool.
---Bob Neanover
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks - one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom.
Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation.
"What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of
imagination." -Oscar Wilde
When the English playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club
lat at night after witnessing the first presentation of a
play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How
did your play go tonight, Oscar?
"Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience
was a failure."
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-
average drivers." --Dave Barry
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT
Tame way, unique up on it.
The doctor took his patient into a room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news first."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
Cleaning out the birdhouse at a downtown zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age.
In the ape house he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also gone on their reward...
Thrifty beaver that he is, he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tosses them in the lion's cage at feeding time.
"Not finch and chimps again," roars the lion.