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- Essendon
now these are some horoscopes (they've had better ones but these aren't to bad) stolen form theonion.com
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You'll be banned from both the rock and the shipping scenes after a newspaper feature exposes your hideous double life as a guitarist and Mail Boxes Etc. clerk.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You've often speculated on what other useful implements Captain Hook could have equipped, and you'll soon have the opportunity to marry thought to action.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
When choosing an autumnal flower arrangement, consider the cooler blues of cornflowers or chicory, as well as the traditional warmer fall colors, you sissy.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Half the battle is knowing when to give up. This is a special new saying the stars coined with just you in mind.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Technology will once again surpass you when you use coherent light to illustrate points in your incoherent presentation.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
The beard does give you an air of evil, but it's the evil of neglect, not the evil of strength.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Your insistence on doing things for yourself is admirable, but bystanders have been trying to help you up off the sidewalk for two hours now.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You hadn't wanted to live out your parents' dreams, but since they're the kind of dreams where you live in effortless luxury, it's no big deal, really.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The stars would like to thank you for supplying vital comic relief, but you're being killed off in order to add another audience-identification character.
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You'll be banned from both the rock and the shipping scenes after a newspaper feature exposes your hideous double life as a guitarist and Mail Boxes Etc. clerk.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You've often speculated on what other useful implements Captain Hook could have equipped, and you'll soon have the opportunity to marry thought to action.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
When choosing an autumnal flower arrangement, consider the cooler blues of cornflowers or chicory, as well as the traditional warmer fall colors, you sissy.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Half the battle is knowing when to give up. This is a special new saying the stars coined with just you in mind.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Technology will once again surpass you when you use coherent light to illustrate points in your incoherent presentation.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
The beard does give you an air of evil, but it's the evil of neglect, not the evil of strength.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Your insistence on doing things for yourself is admirable, but bystanders have been trying to help you up off the sidewalk for two hours now.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You hadn't wanted to live out your parents' dreams, but since they're the kind of dreams where you live in effortless luxury, it's no big deal, really.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The stars would like to thank you for supplying vital comic relief, but you're being killed off in order to add another audience-identification character.