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THE WHITE HOUSE, February 10, 2007 -- President Arianna Huffington resigned
today amid controversy over revelations that she had once passed the butter
to schoolboy basketball phenomenon LeBron James during a dinner. "I received
bad legal advice," President Huffington complained, noting she consulted
three attorneys before passing the butter to James at a charity event in
Ohio in February 2003.
Two of the lawyers told her that handing butter to a
high-school athlete would not violate Ohio amateur athletic rules, while the
third advised her to consult a federal judge before touching the salt or
pepper. The Ohio High School Athletic Association later ruled that because
butter has value, schoolboy athletes are forbidden to eat it -- or anything.
President Huffington resigned moments after the Cable Newschannel Filler
Division of the federal Office of the Permanent Temporary Prosecutor issued
a 24,542-page report on its two-year, $696 million investigation into
allegations of Huffington's involvement with LeBron James.
Permanent
Temporary Prosecutor Kenneth Starr called the case "especially shocking,
because there was no pretty young woman involved whose sex life I could pry
into."
President Huffington becomes the latest in a long line of coaches, referees,
administrators, physicians, agents, investors, owners, humanitarian aid
workers, Catholic bishops and justices of the Supreme Court to be fined,
fired, forced to resign or jailed for brief brushes with James.
It began in 2003, when James' own mother was investigated for buying him a
car. Then James was briefly suspended from high-school play for accepting
two souvenir jerseys in return for posing for a photograph. In February
2003, the International Association of Approved Basketball Officials, citing
an "unwritten policy," sanctioned referee Tony Celantano for having his
picture taken with James following a tournament game. "We take violations of
unwritten policy very seriously, especially when officials violate the exact
wording of our unwritten policy," a spokesman for the International
Association of Approved Basketball Officials said at the time. As
punishment, Celantano was forced to watch a DVD of the movie "Men in Black
II."
From that point, incidents regarding James became more common. A deli clerk
was fired for putting extra cheese on James's steak-and-cheese but not
charging him extra. His high-school coach was permanently banished from Ohio
coaching when it was revealed he had given James a ride home once when
practice ran late. An academic tutor who had urged James to pay more
attention to homework was fined a month's pay. Since good grades help a
student get into college, advising James to do homework constituted
"transfer of an item of value or emolument," the Ohio High School Athletic
Association ruled. A pediatrician lost her medical license after it was
revealed that, after giving James a vaccination when he was six years old,
she handed him a lollipop. Once James walked up to a stranger on the street
Cincinnati and said, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" When the man told
him the time, he was immediately seized by police and dragged away.
Many college administrators expressed relief that James chose to forgo NCAA
play and went directly to the National Basketball Association, as an entire
university athletic department might have ended up fired owing to him. NCAA
rules state at Section 8, Subsection 14, Paragraph Six:
Under no circumstances may any NCAA basketball scholarship athlete accept
any cash or item of value that creates the appearance of a conflict of
interest.
Taking cash or items of value is perfectly fine so long as no one finds out
about it. Take all you want. It's the appearance we are concerned about!
Also, attending class is absolutely forbidden at all times. Division 1-A
basketball athletes are subject to random literacy testing. Any athlete
passing a random literacy test will immediately be expelled from school.
Widespread use of the Abram SUVs entered the phrase "gallons per mile" into
the national lexicon. Detroit spokesmen characterized this as inevitable.
Obtaining petroleum for the Abrams SUV has not been difficult, owing to the
recent admission of Iraq into the Union as the 51st state. Critics continue
to object, however, that Iraqi oil may be contaminated by residual radiation
from the uninhabited regions formerly known as Israel and Palestine.
Huffington became the first female president, the first major-party
presidential candidate to give a nomination acceptance speech on "Larry King
Live" and the first president to plant biomass crops in the Rose Garden. Her
decision to invade Belgium constituted a breakthrough in United
States-European relations, since all other Western European nations strongly
supported the action. Her administration was dogged by controversy, however,
beginning when she was caught backstage making out with Vice President
Denzel Washington moments after they took the Oath of Office. Republicans
were shocked; Democratic party officials expressed relief that it was not
with Hillary Clinton. Later, President Huffington was criticized for naming
Kenneth Lay to head the United States Olympic Committee.
Speaking from the federal minimum security facility in Allenwood,
Pennsylvania, former president George W. Bush -- Bush left office and was
jailed in "Upgrade-Gate," after it was revealed he had once accepted a free
airline upgrade but not listed the value of the upgrade on financial
disclosure forms -- said of Huffington's resignation, "This great nation
must stop persecuting public officials for their private foibles. Really,
aren't our official decisions bad enough?"
LeBron James, who was the first player chosen in the 2003 NBA draft, went on
to be league MVP in his rookie year, as he guided the Los Angeles Clippers
to the championship title and sole undefeated season in NBA history. He
retired at age 19, discovered a cure for cancer, negotiated the peaceful
reunification of the Koreas and then ascended directly to a higher plane of
existence. James has not been seen, though millions of followers contend
they can hear his instructions through boom-boxes, and refer to him as Baba
Baha LeBron.
today amid controversy over revelations that she had once passed the butter
to schoolboy basketball phenomenon LeBron James during a dinner. "I received
bad legal advice," President Huffington complained, noting she consulted
three attorneys before passing the butter to James at a charity event in
Ohio in February 2003.
Two of the lawyers told her that handing butter to a
high-school athlete would not violate Ohio amateur athletic rules, while the
third advised her to consult a federal judge before touching the salt or
pepper. The Ohio High School Athletic Association later ruled that because
butter has value, schoolboy athletes are forbidden to eat it -- or anything.
President Huffington resigned moments after the Cable Newschannel Filler
Division of the federal Office of the Permanent Temporary Prosecutor issued
a 24,542-page report on its two-year, $696 million investigation into
allegations of Huffington's involvement with LeBron James.
Permanent
Temporary Prosecutor Kenneth Starr called the case "especially shocking,
because there was no pretty young woman involved whose sex life I could pry
into."
President Huffington becomes the latest in a long line of coaches, referees,
administrators, physicians, agents, investors, owners, humanitarian aid
workers, Catholic bishops and justices of the Supreme Court to be fined,
fired, forced to resign or jailed for brief brushes with James.
It began in 2003, when James' own mother was investigated for buying him a
car. Then James was briefly suspended from high-school play for accepting
two souvenir jerseys in return for posing for a photograph. In February
2003, the International Association of Approved Basketball Officials, citing
an "unwritten policy," sanctioned referee Tony Celantano for having his
picture taken with James following a tournament game. "We take violations of
unwritten policy very seriously, especially when officials violate the exact
wording of our unwritten policy," a spokesman for the International
Association of Approved Basketball Officials said at the time. As
punishment, Celantano was forced to watch a DVD of the movie "Men in Black
II."
From that point, incidents regarding James became more common. A deli clerk
was fired for putting extra cheese on James's steak-and-cheese but not
charging him extra. His high-school coach was permanently banished from Ohio
coaching when it was revealed he had given James a ride home once when
practice ran late. An academic tutor who had urged James to pay more
attention to homework was fined a month's pay. Since good grades help a
student get into college, advising James to do homework constituted
"transfer of an item of value or emolument," the Ohio High School Athletic
Association ruled. A pediatrician lost her medical license after it was
revealed that, after giving James a vaccination when he was six years old,
she handed him a lollipop. Once James walked up to a stranger on the street
Cincinnati and said, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" When the man told
him the time, he was immediately seized by police and dragged away.
Many college administrators expressed relief that James chose to forgo NCAA
play and went directly to the National Basketball Association, as an entire
university athletic department might have ended up fired owing to him. NCAA
rules state at Section 8, Subsection 14, Paragraph Six:
Under no circumstances may any NCAA basketball scholarship athlete accept
any cash or item of value that creates the appearance of a conflict of
interest.
Taking cash or items of value is perfectly fine so long as no one finds out
about it. Take all you want. It's the appearance we are concerned about!
Also, attending class is absolutely forbidden at all times. Division 1-A
basketball athletes are subject to random literacy testing. Any athlete
passing a random literacy test will immediately be expelled from school.
Widespread use of the Abram SUVs entered the phrase "gallons per mile" into
the national lexicon. Detroit spokesmen characterized this as inevitable.
Obtaining petroleum for the Abrams SUV has not been difficult, owing to the
recent admission of Iraq into the Union as the 51st state. Critics continue
to object, however, that Iraqi oil may be contaminated by residual radiation
from the uninhabited regions formerly known as Israel and Palestine.
Huffington became the first female president, the first major-party
presidential candidate to give a nomination acceptance speech on "Larry King
Live" and the first president to plant biomass crops in the Rose Garden. Her
decision to invade Belgium constituted a breakthrough in United
States-European relations, since all other Western European nations strongly
supported the action. Her administration was dogged by controversy, however,
beginning when she was caught backstage making out with Vice President
Denzel Washington moments after they took the Oath of Office. Republicans
were shocked; Democratic party officials expressed relief that it was not
with Hillary Clinton. Later, President Huffington was criticized for naming
Kenneth Lay to head the United States Olympic Committee.
Speaking from the federal minimum security facility in Allenwood,
Pennsylvania, former president George W. Bush -- Bush left office and was
jailed in "Upgrade-Gate," after it was revealed he had once accepted a free
airline upgrade but not listed the value of the upgrade on financial
disclosure forms -- said of Huffington's resignation, "This great nation
must stop persecuting public officials for their private foibles. Really,
aren't our official decisions bad enough?"
LeBron James, who was the first player chosen in the 2003 NBA draft, went on
to be league MVP in his rookie year, as he guided the Los Angeles Clippers
to the championship title and sole undefeated season in NBA history. He
retired at age 19, discovered a cure for cancer, negotiated the peaceful
reunification of the Koreas and then ascended directly to a higher plane of
existence. James has not been seen, though millions of followers contend
they can hear his instructions through boom-boxes, and refer to him as Baba
Baha LeBron.
