Curly5
Premiership Player
Proudly showing off his newly leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night the drunk yuppie led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friends asked. "Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriouiouously?" (burping)
"Yup."
"Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the yuppie said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment in silence.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For Chrissake you idiot, it's ten past three in the #*/%ing morning."
Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row, "What's the trouble here?" he asked.
"My partner has had a stroke, and these two rats want to add it to my score."
There was this married couple who had just bought their first colour television.
When they installed it the man said 'You know there is something I must tell you.
I've never told anyone before. The fact is I am totally colour blind.'
'I too' said the wife 'have something I must tell you also. I'm not really from Cornwall, I'm from Uganda.
"One day coming home from town I went a different way through a more country type road than usual. We have always lived in town so my girls didn't know too much about country life. My youngest daughter who was about four at the time ask the question, "Mum what are windmills for?" My eldest daughter in all her wisdom at 6 years of age said very seriously I might add, , "Gee Kelly, you are dumb, they are to keep the cows cool". We just broke out in laughter because my eldest daughter thought she was just so clever and was positive that she knew the real reason for windmills. We still joke and laugh about it today and the girls are now 23 and 25.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." -Kevin Hench
"Anna Kournikova announced that she'll be unable to play at Wimbledon because of a back injury. The weird thing is that the odds of Kournikova winning Wimbledon remain exactly the same." --Conan O'Brien
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a beautiful blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring,
"Typical white thinks only with short bow."
The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the rump. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a beautiful redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! I said P-O-S-S-E!"
You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.
"My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years."
--Paul Merton
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evenings News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry,but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses." --Margaret Millar
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friends asked. "Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriouiouously?" (burping)
"Yup."
"Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the yuppie said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment in silence.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For Chrissake you idiot, it's ten past three in the #*/%ing morning."
Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row, "What's the trouble here?" he asked.
"My partner has had a stroke, and these two rats want to add it to my score."
There was this married couple who had just bought their first colour television.
When they installed it the man said 'You know there is something I must tell you.
I've never told anyone before. The fact is I am totally colour blind.'
'I too' said the wife 'have something I must tell you also. I'm not really from Cornwall, I'm from Uganda.
"One day coming home from town I went a different way through a more country type road than usual. We have always lived in town so my girls didn't know too much about country life. My youngest daughter who was about four at the time ask the question, "Mum what are windmills for?" My eldest daughter in all her wisdom at 6 years of age said very seriously I might add, , "Gee Kelly, you are dumb, they are to keep the cows cool". We just broke out in laughter because my eldest daughter thought she was just so clever and was positive that she knew the real reason for windmills. We still joke and laugh about it today and the girls are now 23 and 25.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." -Kevin Hench
"Anna Kournikova announced that she'll be unable to play at Wimbledon because of a back injury. The weird thing is that the odds of Kournikova winning Wimbledon remain exactly the same." --Conan O'Brien
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a beautiful blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring,
"Typical white thinks only with short bow."
The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the rump. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a beautiful redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! I said P-O-S-S-E!"
You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.
"My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years."
--Paul Merton
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evenings News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry,but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses." --Margaret Millar