SmellyJoffa
Draftee
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2002
- Posts
- 6
- Reaction score
- 0
Subject: Optus Complaint Letter
> This is an Actual Complaint Letter Received at Optus
>
> Dear Cretins,
>
> I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for
> your
> 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
> three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
had
> not
> previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of
> monolithic proportions.
>
> Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
> pursue
> your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these
difficulties -
> or,
> more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining
reading
> material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
> vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
>
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
> resulting
> in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
> your
> technician to arrive.
>
> When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my
mobile
> phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
> annoying
> Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....
er,
> how
> exactly when my modem has been disconnected? I alleviated the
boredom
to
> some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an
> activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
>
> The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
> later,although
> the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such
as a
> drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
still
> not
> arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15
telephone
> calls
> over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had
> requested
> it, and begun to pay for it.
>
> I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
> 35%...these
> are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
Friday,
> and
> most of the useful periods over the weekend.
>
> I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9
telephone
> calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
> unhelpfully
> transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it
seems
> also
> highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone
> line
> is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line
is
> available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
transferred
to
> someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and
then
> been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether
> or
> not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an
answer
> machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
> transferred
> to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and
> then
> been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several
> other
> variations on this theme.
>
> Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at
least
a
> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one
of
> those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I
don't
> care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations
in
> print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
>
> Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>
> I thought Telstra were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-
pot
> of
> god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
more
> disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service
to
> their customers. That's why I chose Optus, and because, well,there
isn't
> anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered
> to my
> considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower
of
> bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum
> -
> incompetents of the highest order. Telstra - ****ers though they
are -
> shine
> like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of
> your
> seemingly limitless inadequacy.
>
> Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
> quest to
> receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do
likewise,
> and
> cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the
> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
and
> disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
> derision,
> and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
>
> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
> litter
> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you
> and
> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
> desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time
of
> posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
> experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the
> very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus.
>
> Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life,
you
> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
>
> Rgds
>Fitzroy James Dio
> This is an Actual Complaint Letter Received at Optus
>
> Dear Cretins,
>
> I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for
> your
> 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
> three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
had
> not
> previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of
> monolithic proportions.
>
> Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
> pursue
> your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these
difficulties -
> or,
> more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining
reading
> material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
> vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
>
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
> resulting
> in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
> your
> technician to arrive.
>
> When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my
mobile
> phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
> annoying
> Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....
er,
> how
> exactly when my modem has been disconnected? I alleviated the
boredom
to
> some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an
> activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
>
> The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
> later,although
> the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such
as a
> drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
still
> not
> arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15
telephone
> calls
> over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had
> requested
> it, and begun to pay for it.
>
> I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
> 35%...these
> are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
Friday,
> and
> most of the useful periods over the weekend.
>
> I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9
telephone
> calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
> unhelpfully
> transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it
seems
> also
> highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone
> line
> is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line
is
> available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
transferred
to
> someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and
then
> been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether
> or
> not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an
answer
> machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
> transferred
> to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and
> then
> been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several
> other
> variations on this theme.
>
> Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at
least
a
> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one
of
> those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I
don't
> care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations
in
> print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
>
> Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>
> I thought Telstra were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-
pot
> of
> god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
more
> disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service
to
> their customers. That's why I chose Optus, and because, well,there
isn't
> anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered
> to my
> considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower
of
> bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum
> -
> incompetents of the highest order. Telstra - ****ers though they
are -
> shine
> like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of
> your
> seemingly limitless inadequacy.
>
> Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
> quest to
> receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do
likewise,
> and
> cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the
> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
and
> disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
> derision,
> and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
>
> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
> litter
> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you
> and
> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
> desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time
of
> posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
> experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the
> very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus.
>
> Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life,
you
> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
>
> Rgds
>Fitzroy James Dio
