Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

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Some for the ladies
Q. What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
A. Slap the bitch

Q. What is the useless bit of skin that surrounds a vagina?
A. A woman

Q. What is the purpose of a woman?
A. To carry sperm from the bedroom to the bathroom

Q. What is the purpose of a hallway
A. Ease of access for a woman between the bedroom and kitchen
 
Out in the quite backwaters of nowhere two friends are chatting
John: Guess what just got myself a new transistor radio I can pick up all radio chat from the emergency services. I'll always know what's going on now man
Jack: You mean like tha police and that
John: Yep

Few days go by and one afternoon Jack runs over to to his mates house
Jack: Guess what, guess what the pub burnt last night
John: Yeh I know mate
Jack: How?
John: Transistor radio

Sure enough another few days go by and once again Jack charges over to his mates
Jack: Massive accident on the highway last night, carnage
John: Yeh mate already know
Jack: Let me guess, transistor radio
John: Yup

So another week rolls by and once again Jack rolls over to Johns house
Jack: Guess what happened to me last night mate. I lost my virginity
John: Pigs Arse
Jack: You and that f**cking transistor radio
 

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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mum" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".
 
Whilst many of the guests at a wedding reception were having fun dancing, the groom interrupted proceedings by grabbing the microphone. He began by stating how ecstatic he was to have met such a loving and compassionate partner with whom he could spend the rest of his life. Overcome with romantic inspiration, the groom then felt it his duty to encourage every man in the room to embrace the feelings he was currently experiencing. He thus made the following statement, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 
Don't know if this has been put here but it gave me a chuckle anyway.


Three missionaries were captured by the pygmies, and being tied to a tree they were interrogated by the pygmy chief.

"You have TWO CHOICES", he bellowed. "Death! Or boomba".

So the first missionary said, "Well, I dunno, give me the "Boomba", so they took him to the back of the village and a group of pygmies and gave him 'Boomba'. Unfortunately for him, Boomba was to be raped by all the men of the tribe.

Then the chief asked the second missionary, "Death! Or boomba" and the missionary said, "Well, Uh, umm. ok "boomba". So they took him to the back of the village and a group of pygmies gave him the same treatment.

When these two guys recovered, they told the third one exactly what "boomba" meant.

Then when the chief asked the third one, "Death! Or boomba", he resolutely and affirmatively replied, "DEATH!!!"

So the chief got a hold of him and told all the pygmies, "DEATH!...... DEATH BY BOOMBA!!!"
 
Maybe a repeat but I think its worth it...

Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon
walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!:D ”
 
Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning.
Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone."
After an uncomfortable silence a man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"
 

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Andronicus said:
I don't give a s**t if it makes you laugh or not. That's why I don't care if you throw out some emoticons to tell me. I'd rather not know.
Click to expand...

Piss off goose. Not every post is for you. If you dont care what I post, dont quote me in a reply.
 
One night, a husband takes his wife to a disco

Theres a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down”

Husband says “Looks like hes still celebrating!!”
 
A couple on a holiday tour of Far North Queensland call into a pub in a small coastal town for lunch. The place is completely packed out, except for table with one old man near the window. No-one is within 15 feet of him. Intrigued, they wander over and sit down and strike up a conversation with him.
"For a 50 years, I liva inaa dis town and I getta no respect. You look out atta da beautiful boats on the marina, I builda those boats! You thinka they call me Luigi the Boat Builder? No! I getta no respect! You look out atta da beautiful garden, I builda that garden! You thinka they all me Luigi the Gardner? No! I getta no respect! You look atta the beautiful houses near da beach, I builda those houses! You thinka they call me Luigi the Builder? No! I getta no respect. But you f*cka one goat!"
 
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