Really Bad Jokes

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these are from my 3 year old daughter

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To go to the shop and get a egg.


Q. Why did the seat belt go to the shop?

A. To be with the other seat belt.



Knock Knock

Who's there?

A shop

A shop who?

A shop with a chicken and egg
 
An elderly couple go to the doctor as the husband has not been feeling well. After examining the man the doctor says to the wife, we will need a sample of his urine and faeces.
The elderly man is hard of hearing so he asks his wife what the doctor said.
The wife leaned over to her husband and said, The doctor wants you to bring in your pyjama pants.
 
A man is to drunk to drive home one night from the pub so he takes the short walk home instead, well stumbling all over the place the local constable stops him and ask him "what are you doing out so late" says the constable, "going to a lecture" replys the drunk to which the constable replys "who is going to give you a lecture at 3 am in the moring" "my Wife"
 

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An old lady goes to the dr's and says "Dr, I'm farting about 100 times a day and whilst they are soundless and don't smell, I thought that I should come to you about this." Dr replies "take these pills and come back next week"

A week goes by and the old lady is back to the Dr's. Shes says "Dr, I don't know what the pills were for but now my farts smell really bad"... Dr says "That's good news, now that you have your sense of smell back we can working on your hearing"..

BOOM BOOM
 
A real estate salesman has just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

"That customer's going to come back pretty angry," he said to his boss "Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat".
 
I got this in an email the other day along with some other ones I can't remember...

Sunday school teacher was preaching to the class..."and god said to Lot - "take your wife and flee...but his wife turned around and was turned into a pillar of salt.... Mr 5 year old asked "so what happened to the flea?

and my all time favourite joke which is a bit long but still......

Johnny was down at the beach one day with his mother, when he asked if he could go for a swim. His mother said - "yes but don't go too far". Johnny's mother looked up a short time later, and saw Johnny way out at sea waving his arms in distress. Johnny's mother rang down to the shore screaming "help, help someone save my Johnny".
At that moment a bronze, muscular surfie type came racing along the beach. "I will save your Johnny" he cries and dives into the water. He swims out to Johnny, and just before he reaches him, a shark surfaces and tries to attack him. The bronze surfie pulls out a knife and stabs the shark to death, grabs Johnny and swims back to shore.
When he gets there a Journalist from the Herald Sun comes racing along the beach. "That was fantastic mate", he says, "I can just see the headlines now. 'Bronze Aussie saves child from Shark". The surfie replies - well actually I am English. The Journo replies - "that's OK mate you will still get the headlines - Pommy Bastard kills Child's Pet".
 
A family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning to do their
Christmas shoplifting.

While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Carlton footy jumper and says to
his 10 year old sister, "Hey mole, I've decided to become a Blues supporter
and I want this for Christmas"

His sister, outraged by this, promptly wacks him around the head with her
carton of Winfield's and says, "Shithead, go talk to mum."

Off goes the little lad with the Blues jumper stuffed up his miller shirt
and finds his mum.

"Mum?"

"Yes,son."

"I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this jumper for
Christmas."

The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full can of VB at
him, smacks him in the gob and says "let's talk to your father"

It's visiting hours at the Remand Centre so off they go, with footy jumper
in hand, to see Moose, his toothless tattooed father.

"Dad?"

"Yes, knobhead?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this jumper for
Christmas."

Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says, "No
bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that s**t", and then kicks
his arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good measure.

About half an hour later, the three of them are back in the old Torana and
heading towards home. The mother turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have
you learned something today?"

The son says "s**t, yeah you old slag. I bloodywell have!"

"Good knackers, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Carlton supporter for an hour, and
already I hate you Collingwood pricks!!"
 
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That's gold, Barry.
 
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

-----

This one made me laugh sort of....

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies

-----

What did the moron do when he thought he might be dying?
He went into the living room!
 
A passer by asks a farmer how many sheep he has so the farmer sends the dog out into the field to count them.

The dog comes back and says 730

The farmer says "That's strange, I only bought 727."

The dog says "I rounded em up."
 
Why did the kiwi farmers start wearing kilts?

Sheep got used to the sound of zippers.
 

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Bloke goes into a pub and proudly boasts that he has a talking dog. The barman says if that dog can talk you can have free beer all night.

The bloke turns to the dog and says "What do you call the top of a house?"
The dog says "Roof"

Bloke says"What is the long grass on a golf course?"
The says "Rough"

The bloke says "What noise does a fire make when you pour petrol on it?"
The dog says "Woof"

The barman says "Get out mate and take your dog with you."

The bloke and the dog are walking along the street and the bloke turns to the dog which has a tear in his eye and says "What's the matter boy?"

The dog looks up and says "Which one of those did I get wrong?"
 
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Pitbull vs. Porcupine....

 A Pitbull decided he would battle a Porcupine in back of his house here inSouthern California ..
But being both brave and stupid, he ultimately learned the hard way that he can't always win,

A vet sedated the dog, and then removed a total of 1,347 quills.
The dog survived, and hopefully learned a valuable lesson.
 
Golden.

An Australian walks into a bar with a Belgium mate and an Irish buddy. The Australian enters in a neckbrace, the Belgium hobbles in on crutches, and the Irishman strolls in in a wheelchair.

While the three gentlemen are engaging in a friendly conversation, one of them spots a familar face across from the bar.

"Is that who I think it is," the Belgium asks.

"I think so," replies the Irishman.

"Wow, that's Jesus Christ, our Lord Saviour," the Aussie bloats.

Stunned, the three men buy a round of beer for Jesus.

Jesus is approached by the barman with a stella artios and he is informed that the beer is on the house from the Belgium with the crutches. Jesus gives the Belgium a wry smile and gives him a hand gesture to show his appreciation.

Five minutes later, Jesus is approached yet again by the barman with a Guinness. "From the Irishman in the wheelchair," the barman kindly tells Jesus. Again, Jesus is delighted and gives the thumbs up and a wink to the Irishman sporting the mean looking wheelchair.

Another five minutes goes by, and this time Jesus is given a VB from the barman. "This one is from the Aussie sporting the neckbrace."

Jesus gives the Aussie a hand gesture to say thanks, and then proceeds to polish off his third beer within twenty minutes.

A short while later, Jesus approaches the three crippled men and formally thanks them for their generousity.

"To show you my gratitude, I will now heal you gentlemen so you are free and feeling 100% to walk out of here unaided."

Jesus blesses the Irishman, hovers his right hand over the Irishman's head, works his magic, then boom! The Irishman bursts out of his wheelchair and bolts out of the bar at an incredibly quick pace.

Now it's the Belgium's turn to be healed, so he watched Jesus work his magic. Jesus hovers his hand over the Belgium's head and them boom! He throws off his crutches, and escapes like a wild African Hyienna on the prowl.

Now it's the Australian's turn. Jesus proceeds to put his hand over the Aussie's head, before the Aussie jumps back at a million miles an hour and yells out, "Jesus Christ, no, don't do it - I'm on workcover."
 
There was a break-in at a jewelry store and the police turn up and ask the crowd if anyone saw what happened.

A bloke steps forward and says that he saw an elephant come along, pick up a brick, throw it through the window and take the jewels.

The detective asked what sort of elephant, was it a Indian elephant or an African elephant?

The bloke asked what the difference was and the copper said an African elephant has big ears, to swat flies away, and the Indian elephants have small ears. After he gave the discriptions, he asked the bloke what type of elephant was it, Indian or African and the bloke said "I couldn't tell you, it had a stocking on its head."
 
Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a elderly woman, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
 
Scroater said:
There was a break-in at a jewelry store and the police turn up and ask the crowd if anyone saw what happened.

A bloke steps forward and says that he saw an elephant come along, pick up a brick, throw it through the window and take the jewels.

The detective asked what sort of elephant, was it a Indian elephant or an African elephant?

The bloke asked what the difference was and the copper said an African elephant has big ears, to swat flies away, and the Indian elephants have small ears. After he gave the discriptions, he asked the bloke what type of elephant was it, Indian or African and the bloke said "I couldn't tell you, it had a stocking on its head."
Click to expand...

:D:thumbsu:. I LOVE IT!:)
 
Bloke goes to a doctor and tells him..."I've got this steering wheel stuck down my pants and it's driving me nuts".:)

Sorry... I realise they had to carbon date this joke.
 
Scroater said:
A passer by asks a farmer how many sheep he has so the farmer sends the dog out into the field to count them.

The dog comes back and says 730

The farmer says "That's strange, I only bought 727."

The dog says "I rounded em up."
Click to expand...

:D Joke of the year
 
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with other kids for a while when he came into
the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the
truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to
talk to you."
 
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy'.

Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way den.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. 'Shoite, Shoite!' he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

'Bejesus . . I'm fockin' focked,' says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way.' But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'Fock this, I gotta stop drinking,' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed, and how did you know?'

'Mick the bartender phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub again.'
 
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