Rodney Rude

[- PC -]

Went and saw Rodney Rude last night in his ''farewell'' show in WA . Apparently he is retiring .... we will see

Havent seen him on 20 years and he looks old.. I enjoyed it. There was some parts he was off...other times he had the audience in his hands.

Having heard some of his later CDs etc I was up to date with what he was doing .
Loved Sergeant Half Rude ... best part of the show

 

[red+black]

He’s a well hung plowboy
Sneaking up on his horse
And having intercourse

He’s a well hung plowboy
And the smile on his horse
Proves it feels no remorse
He roots it with great force

I’ve been to see a lawyer just today
And I want a divorce
Why?
Because you ****ed that horse

 

[raboyle]

Favourite bits from Rude's various shows in no particular order...

1. Singing -- Oh I like girls that have small hands, 'cause it makes my c**k look big! That's all I know about it.

2. Another quick ditty -- I wrote a letter to Bob Hawke, I wrote his name and address 'C**t, Canberra' he got it.

3. Anything from the I hate cats songs.

4. My brother came in and he said, "Oh its terrible! Grandfather got badly burnt!" and I said "How bad?" and he said "Well, they don't f*@# around at the crematorium."

5. Half Rude gets into bed with his neighbours' missus while he buggers off for weekend, after Rude reassures him that he had his wiener shot off in Vietnam. -- He came home and got really p**sed off with me and he said "I thought you had your d**k shot off in Vietnam!" I said, "I did, but it left a nine-inch stump!"

6. We'll start off with a song. Its called "Yank my doodle its a f*@#in' dandy!"

7. Almost anything from his "I Hate" singing. -- Ohhhhhh, I hate it when your driving in the car, you go to spit out the window and the window's shut!

8. Getting stuck into the hecklers -- Talking to your girlfriend before the show, she reckons you're a weak prick! She pestered you all year to have a threesome, and you wouldn't f*@#in' be in it!

9. A part on the "Not Guilty" CD, a Half Rude bit called 'Midget stick his digit in a ladies idget' -- I said "She was standing right in front of me your worship! And her dress was stuck right in her a*se crack, your worship! So I just plucked the b*#**** out!" The judge said "You did it twice!" and I said "Yeah she got so angry I poked it back in! About 20 times, your worship!"

10. We go into this restaurant and the waitress asks to take our order and I said, "We'll have two hamburgers and a hot dog." A few minutes later she brings our food over and she's got the burgers in her armpits. I said "Why have you got my burgers in your armpits?" She says, "To keep them warm." My mate said "Forget the hot dog."

 

[camsmith]

Why wont Rolf Harris, just **** off and die

Why dont you buy a pair off gloves, you'd get 10 ****s out of it.

Classic. LOL!

 

[raboyle]

Continuing Half Rude's day in court...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was up for rooting an under-aged fat lady at the circus, I got charged with "Carnival Knowledge"... p**sed me off. The beak said "How'd you do it, Half?" I said "I used a bucket, your worship."

He said "What did you do stand on it?" and I said "No, I put it over her head and held onto the f*@#in' handle!"

 

[footyfreak]

she was so ugly she had a job at a cake shop. They used to push her face in the dough to make Gorilla biscuits

She was so ugly that if you woke up in a motel room and ya arm was under her head just to make sure ya didn't wake her you'd chew your own arm off!!!!!

Dingo ugly

So, Anyway after i ****ed her, Coz i'd **** a black snake with an infested arse......only if ya held its head!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Heisenberg_]

limric goes somethiing like this

There was an old rabie named Keith,
Who circumsiced men with his teeth,
It wasn't for leisure or sexual pleasure,
But scrape out the cheese underneath

 

[sainters]

Why wont Rolf Harris, just **** off and die

Why dont you buy a pair off gloves, you'd get 10 ****s out of it.

Classic. LOL!

That whole Japs bit is a classic.

How about his steady Eddie sketch.

A Homeless f**k: i love this one...

Im walking along on Melbourne there, this homeless prick comes up to me.
He goes "erererererew give me some money, i don't know where my next meals coming from".

I said, get out of here you homeless f**k!!!
Unless you want to wattle of the street here with a cowboy boot wedged in your homeless a** crack.

**** off home!!! anyone would think you didn't have a home to go to.
He goes "erererererw, i need some money, i don't know where my next meal is coming from".
I said, i don't know where my next meal is coming from, don't know wether im going to KFC or McDonalds there...can't make up my mind, get out of here with your hat made out of an old f****n number plate.
With your newspaper shirt and jeans made out of green garbage bags...
Vaccum under your bridge you homeless f**ck!!! theres **** everywhere, Vaccum under your bridge!!! there your son there with half a bigmac and your wife with tampons made out of muffins, get out of hear!

Walking around in one thong, GET ANOTHER THONG!!!
walking around here with a thong made out of an old salmon tin! Get out of here you homeless **** or ill kick you off a cliff!
I don't take no **** from homeless pricks...
get out of here you homeless ****!!!.

Gold!

 

[footyfreak]

**** off home!!! anyone would think you didn't have a home to go to.

Love that bit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know why we call em Noas......coz they Know ****ing everything!!!!!!!

Don't have a naughty in thw water
ya know that you'd like to an you oughta
but ya never know ya luck
whilst ya having a ****
a shark might come along a bite ya.

 

[manmountain]

You're mothers a bloody nuiscance!
Ringing me up after every show, wantin' me to come round and root 'er.
Bloody road crew, wants to root them to.
I got asthma off you're mother - bloody feather pillows, that was my face buried in 'em, she was tongueing my @ rse - I GOT ASTHMA OFF YOUR MOTHER! She's a pest.

 

[peternorth]

He’s a well hung plowboy
Sneaking up on his horse
And having intercourse

He’s a well hung plowboy
And the smile on his horse
Proves it feels no remorse
He roots it with great force

I’ve been to see a lawyer just today
And I want a divorce
Why?
Because you ****ed that horse

and he sees this huge #$5%INA, and he thinks what could be finer, so it down with the reigns and down with the overalls too.....

 

[Adrian Shelton]

I hate it when i go to an orgy, and the next morning everyone from the orgy's lined up outside the vd clinic, I HATE THAT I HATE THAT!!!!!

I hate.........The Divinyls!!!!

 

[raboyle]

CLASSIC 'I HATE THAT' SINGING BITS!

Ooooooooohhh... I hate when you meet a nice girl, go to her house or your house, you've been there 10 minutes, you're making love, she has a four hour orgasm then you find out she's an epileptic!

You know what else I hate, you know what I hate, you know what I hate yeeeeeeeeeaaaaah! (muffled giggle/grunt) When an old friend rings up, you haven't seen her for years, says she'll be over in a few minutes and you've just had a pull!!! I f*@#in' hate that yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaheeeeeeeehhhh!

Ohhh I hate it, I hate trying to have a p*#s when I've cracked a fat, yeeeeeaaah!

Now darling... you know I love yoooooooooooouuu... I want you... for myyyyseeeeeelllf, and I had to spend all last week at the hospital, I had to get circumcised, is anyone looking for a fan belt, yeeeaaah!


MY OTHER FAVOURITE HALF RUDE BITS

I went to a party one night. A bloke comes up to me and says, "Rodney, would you like a drink?" I said "Nah mate, I'm not drinking tonight." Another bloke comes up to me and says "Hey Rodney, would you like to smoke some of this good s*#t I got here?" and I said "Nah mate, I'm not smoking tonight."

(in semi-sarcastic tone) and Jack Naaaaail* was there. He said "You're a clean living sort of a fella, Rodney. Would like you to meet my wife." And I said "No, I don't want a root either!"

(a bit naughty this bit... mods erase the following if its too much)

And Kamahl was there. Cause it was a fancy dress up costume type party, everyone was getting dressed up. Kamahl took all his clothes off completely nude he was, stuck a hunk of wood up his bum and went as a chocolate Paddle Pop.

*-- not sure if that's the right name or not.

 

[Monkster]

I went to a party one night. A bloke comes up to me and says, "Rodney, would you like a drink?" I said "Nah mate, I'm not drinking tonight." Another bloke comes up to me and says "Hey Rodney, would you like to smoke some of this good s*#t I got here?" and I said "Nah mate, I'm not smoking tonight."

(in semi-sarcastic tone) and Jack Naaaaail* was there. He said "You're a clean living sort of a fella, Rodney. Would like you to meet my wife." And I said "No, I don't want a root either!"

(a bit naughty this bit... mods erase the following if its too much)

And Kamahl was there. Cause it was a fancy dress up costume type party, everyone was getting dressed up. Kamahl took all his clothes off completely nude he was, stuck a hunk of wood up his bum and went as a chocolate Paddle Pop.

*-- not sure if that's the right name or not.

and Jack Nicklaus was there... but he ****ed off as soon as he saw the ceiling fan.

 

[Muunky Tuunk Man]

Went and saw Rodney Rude last night in his ''farewell'' show in WA . Apparently he is retiring .... we will see

Havent seen him on 20 years and he looks old.. I enjoyed it. There was some parts he was off...other times he had the audience in his hands.

Having heard some of his later CDs etc I was up to date with what he was doing .
Loved Sergeant Half Rude ... best part of the show

I am thinking of going next week to see him here in Adelaide. Did he do any McDonalds jokes? They were my favourite sketches that he did. The other funny parts are the Grandfather jokes. I love the one where he says his Grandfather gets in trouble for eating a pelican.

 

[Jumpin' Jimmy]

My favourite Rude joke is about when he was on the beach sunbaking with Jana and Jana somehow got a bee inside her box. Old Rodney was going on about Jana's vagina, and how she begged him to get the bee out.

So he got this great idea to put honey on the end of his rod, insert it, attract the bee to the honey and withdraw it. All the while RR is demonstrating on stage what he is doing.

Only problem is the bee does not seem to like the honey, so he starts thrusting around a bit to get its attention. Then he starts thrusting harder and then jerking rather violently and says " sorry Jana, he's not taking the bait so now I'm going to have to shoot the bastard"

 

[raboyle]

and Jack Nicklaus was there... but he ****ed off as soon as he saw the ceiling fan.

I think he said Jack Newton...

Another bloke was there, had a really long d*@k, didn't know what to do with it, he wanted to have a dance with this girl, so he whopped it up around his neck three or four times stuck it under his button hole, put a flower in it, had a dance with this girl, got a hard on, killed him.

 

[Muunky Tuunk Man]

I saw Rodney on Friday night at the Port Club Alberton and I had a great time. He was his usual self, abusing drunks in the crowd and was very funny.

He took exception to one guy in the crowd who was filming some of the show on his mobile so he pointed him out and abused him with every name under the sun and called a security guard to come over and confiscate his phone until the end of the show. The guy thought it was a big joke.

There were a couple of guys filming and Rodnery mentioned that the show would be released on DVD later in the year and also mentioned a new CD will be released later in the year. IIRC, unless he was taking the ****, it will be called "Frog Sack" although I had a drunk next to me making lots of noise so I couldn't quite hear all of what was said later in the show. Once rodney mentioned that the show was being filmed there were the usual people acting stupid to try and get their mug on film so it should be rather entertaining.

There was one guy who was falling asleep drunk at the end of the table and his girlfriend kept trying to wake him up but he was out of it. His mate, being the caring type thought the best way to wake him would be to spit water on him so it was rather entertaining in itself.

All in all, the show was great and I recommend anyone interested to go and watch it before he retires from touring.

 

[Monkster]

I think he said Jack Newton...

Meh I knew it was some old golfer by the name of Jack

 

[manureid]

Saw the great man on saturday night. His retorts to hecklers were as usual very good. Well worth the fee, and i reckon he makes a packet out of t-shirts and the like.

 

[raboyle]

continuing the fancy dress party joke

Another bloke was there, he was a bald headed bloke... took all his clothes off, completely nude he was, put on a pink turtle neck and went as a circumscision.

 

[raboyle]

Saw the great man on saturday night. His retorts to hecklers were as usual very good. Well worth the fee, and i reckon he makes a packet out of t-shirts and the like.

Ah yes, the hecklers...

Was talking to your girlfriend before the show, she reckons you're a weak prick! She pestered you all year to have a threesome, and you wouldn't f*@#in' be in it!

 

[lihei]

Two men and a woman are stranded on a deserted island. Two months go by and the woman gets so disgusted with her perverted lifestyle that she kills herself.

Two months later, the two men get so disgusted with their filthy and perverted lifestyle that they bury her.