Lame Jokes Part 2

[RedmanWasHere]

Someone stole my cup of coffee yesterday. I spent all arvo at the police station looking at mug shots.

That is a dead set pearler.

 

[worbod]

A Spanish magician tells his audience he will make himself vanish on the count of three. He then says, "Uno!" He then says "Dos!"
And then he was gone.
He disappeared without a tres.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

One Spaniard was asking his mate, who's got low vision if he was able to view the ocean from his apartment unit.

See sea?
Si.

 

[Quadzilla]

You would know my favorite Gordon Lightfoot song if you could read my mind....

 

[GreyCrow]

Did you hear about the cowboy who wrote a song about his self-drive car that left him?

 

[Wayne Dwop]

Warning about Keys

Police have just issued a warning about keys.
They warn that just 5 keys can open 87% of cars and 99% of houses in Australia.
The keys to beware of are Pak-keys, Dar-keys, Bi-keys, Jun-keys and Key-wis.

 

[tonygeeks]

I always wanted to be a comedian when I was young but I was afraid everyone would laugh at me


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[worbod]

My red headed friend just got a job at a bakery. He's now a Ginger Bread Man.

 

[Lyttelton Ranger]

As two caterpillars were crawling along, a butterfly flew overhead.
One turned to the other and said, “You'll never get me up in one of those things!”

 

[roscreasl98]

As two caterpillars were crawling along, a butterfly flew overhead.
One turned to the other and said, “You'll never get me up in one of those things!”

Q. How do you teach your new dog to role over and play dead?

A. Get him to watch Bernard Tomic play tennis.



Q. What did Bernard Tomic do after he won Wimbledon 2017?

A. He turned off the Play Station.

 

[Lyttelton Ranger]

Before you criticise someone. walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you're a mile away from them and have scored yourself a free set of shoes.

 

[GreyCrow]

Before you criticise someone. walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you're a mile away from them and have scored yourself a free set of shoes.

Much better in a Guru Bob voice

 

[Quadzilla]

Two trombones walk into a bar, but they see that it's full of trumpets. One says to the other, "Let's get outta here. This place is nothing but treble."

 

[worbod]

Q. How do you teach your new dog to role over and play dead?

A. Get him to watch Bernard Tomic play tennis.



Q. What did Bernard Tomic do after he won Wimbledon 2017?

A. He turned off the Play Station.

Top class jokes. Send these to Renae Stubbs.

 

[worbod]

A Collingwood girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefits.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Collingwood girl.
"Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Collingwood girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street

I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Collingwood girl, "I just use their surnames"

 

[Quadzilla]

Went to a funeral for my mate, a soccer referee. He had a great send off.

 

[roscreasl98]

Went to a funeral for my mate, a soccer referee. He had a great send off.

In the old days, every time the Greek Soccer team got a corner, they'd put a Milk Bar on it.

 

[Damp Squarie]

2017 Snapshot

� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Dress - Sleeveless
� Youth - Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings - Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children – Mannerless
We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I'm scared – Shitless

 

[tonygeeks]

Just tried this new Muslim dating site it was a bit like shopping for curtains


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[tonygeeks]

2017 Snapshot

� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Dress - Sleeveless
� Youth - Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings - Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children – Mannerless
We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I'm scared – Shitless

Clothing - best n less
Paydays - less n less


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Clothing - best n less
Paydays - less n less


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app

Shoe shop - Payless.

 

[GreyCrow]

Skeleton- Gutless

 

[roscreasl98]

Skeleton- Gutless

Man with no arms - (H)armless.
Man with 1 leg - Hopping mad.

 

[JTRx]

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on their sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

The other day, I saw a couple of magnets who found the house they were looking for.

They were attracted to it.