AFL Divas and the strange requests they make.

[Bosk]

Just finished reading the following eye-opener.
http://www.theage.com.au/federal-po...b-carr-went-slightly-nuts-20131121-2xyqj.html

Jennifer Lopez demands her dressing room be painted white with white couches. Mary J. Blige insists on a new toilet seat backstage at every performance, while Lady Gaga's cheese should be ''odourless and kept on ice''.

Would the AFL's big name players make similarly crazy requests of staff & management? It seems likely. Or at least its a good enough excuse to speculate on what they would if they did.



Eg.

Steve Johnson
A full-length mirror must be provided opposite his club locker. It should be polished a minimum of once per week and scratches must be attended to immediately.

Matthew Pavlich
Hair clippers must be provided by the club, however Matthew has a specific brand he prefers. These have been engineered by a Swiss ergonomics firm for his particular nostrils.

Heretier O' Brien
Insists on wearing a uniform which despite looking identical to the regular Collingwood attire is actually one milli-micron shade of grey lighter. This is because he's better than his teammates and enjoys being reminded.

Lance Franklin
If blow is to be served at the conclusion of a match it must be genuine A-grade Colombian vintage from a reputable grower Lance is familiar with, none of that generic cut-down rubbish.

Chris Newman
Like most ex-captains Chris is willing to simplify his needs to suit the club. The exception is AFL Finals must NOT be discussed within 50 feet of his presence under any circumstances.

Chris Judd
Insists on being paid in cash. I think we can all understand why.

Hayden Ballantyne
Personally requested he not be given a locker by the club as an excuse to steal someone else's.

Drew Petrie
Asks coaches & teammates to pretend the side is about to play an expansion club before each match. Claims it 'helps his preparation'.

Sam Reid
Demands that no potatoes be served with team meals. Says "they make me feel like everyone is staring at me".

 

[Les Norton]

Excellent Bosk

Dane Swan demands that cleaning of the Westpac Centre be done during the hours that he will be at the club, not after hours.

Michael Hurley
He insists that during match planning discussions, that players, staff, coaches are not permitted to look in his direction when they are discussing the "fat side" of the ground

 

[royals1922]

David Hille wanted a pile of muscle mags nearby to get him in the mood.

Leroy Jetta and Anus Monfries used to share a pile of diving magazines.

Dyson Shitsteppell demanded that someone straighten his hair at half time.

Jobe Watson demands that a club official tell him how shit Cotchin is and that he deserves his Brownlow.

James Turd used to demand Tanya be in his coaches office just in case the side effects of the drugs started.

Mark Thompson demands a plateful of salad sandwiches and a lucky dip of the player's girlfriends/ wives (excepting when he played Hille).

 

[Gray Day]

All Norf players demand a framed picture of a current AFL umpire hung in their lockers.

 

[royals1922]

Brent Harvey demands that a few dwarves sit near him at half time so he feels tall.

Thomas and Ziebell demand that a club official makes them angry before the game so they can get the urge to belt someone out of their system before they go on.

Hansen likes to read a few books, Fun with Dick and Jane and Spot the Dog is his favourite.

Dal Santo requires an adjustable prosthetic penis so that he can match it with Majak and Robin.

 

[Franc de Borges]

Travis Cloke just wants somewhere to park.

 

[Bombers 2003]

Just finished reading the following eye-opener.
http://www.theage.com.au/federal-po...b-carr-went-slightly-nuts-20131121-2xyqj.html



Would the AFL's big name players make similarly crazy requests of staff & management? It seems likely. Or at least its a good enough excuse to speculate on what they would if they did.



Eg.

Steve Johnson
A full-length mirror must be provided opposite his club locker. It should be polished a minimum of once per week and scratches must be attended to immediately.

Matthew Pavlich
Hair clippers must be provided by the club, however Matthew has a specific brand he prefers. These have been engineered by a Swiss ergonomics firm for his particular nostrils.

Heretier O' Brien
Insists on wearing a uniform which despite looking identical to the regular Collingwood attire is actually one milli-micron shade of grey lighter. This is because he's better than his teammates and enjoys being reminded.

Lance Franklin
If blow is to be served at the conclusion of a match it must be genuine A-grade Colombian vintage from a reputable grower Lance is familiar with, none of that generic cut-down rubbish.

Chris Newman
Like most ex-captains Chris is willing to simplify his needs to suit the club. The exception is AFL Finals must NOT be discussed within 50 feet of his presence under any circumstances.

Chris Judd
Insists on being paid in cash. I think we can all understand why.

Hayden Ballantyne
Personally requested he not be given a locker by the club as an excuse to steal someone else's.

Drew Petrie
Asks coaches & teammates to pretend the side is about to play an expansion club before each match. Claims it 'helps his preparation'.

Sam Reid
Demands that no potatoes be served with team meals. Says "they make me feel like everyone is staring at me".

though bosk, i think jack watts' demands would be something T2M would want for here on each board!

 

[invinciBlues]

Cyril Rioli insists Bruce Mcaveny be present at all training sessions armed with a megaphone.

Colin Sylvia requires all punching bags and footballs have photos of Elise Whichello stuck to them. His manager claims "it makes him train harder'.

Tippet demands a red carpet entrance to all club functions, training sessions and matches. Except it isnt a red carpet. Freshly minted, uncut rolls of 100 dollar bills are to be unfurled beneath his litter which is to be carried by recent draftees and assistant coaching staff.

Buddy has requested his left profile replace Dame Nellie Melba, and that his right replace Sir John Monash on the Australian 100 dollar bill. Negotiations with the Australian government are on-going and his manager remains "optimistic" at the prospect.

 

[Vic Vinegar]

Clinton Jones:
-Requires one adult human below 150cm be presented to him at the conclusion of every match and three new (read: not used) BIC lighters. Saints colours preferred.

 

[Waynesworld]

The St Kilda FC demand a bunch of schoolgirl cheerleaders perform for them before each match. Gets them in the mood (although for what I'm not sure).

 

[Mofra]

Majak Daw:

A large cushion is to be placed on the floor so "if it touches" he doesn't get chilblains on his wang

 

[weekend at bernies]

is this thread aimed at Nick Reiwoldt and his demand of endless supply's of tissues

 

[Vikingblood]

Alastair Clarkson has simple tastes, he asks for nothing more than a box of 30cm in height, so he 'can feel like one of the boys'.
Buddy asks for a private hot tub, with 3 x handsome rugby league boys and pink speedos for all.

 

[wambat]

Ross Lyin demands a knife sharpener be present at all times.

 

[Les Norton]

Alastair Clarkson has simple tastes, he asks for nothing more than a box of 30cm in height, so he 'can feel like one of the boys'.
Buddy asks for a private hot tub, with 3 x handsome rugby league boys and pink speedos for all.

Union

 

[Les Norton]

Nick Dal Santo
Simple demand, separate shower, hope you realise that NORF.

 

[Les Norton]

Travis Cloke just wants somewhere to park.

love it franga

 

[Les Norton]

Badsanta Ofailpin had asked Carlton for years for a shit head to belt and 2 slimy balls to kick, but with his accent it took them quite a few seasons to work out exactly what he meant.

 

[Jean Claude Vas Deferens]

If I may add to your Hertier O'Brein list of demands Bosk. Or "Backstage Rider" as Hertier refers to it.

On matchdays, Hertier requires an omelette made from the eggs of the endangered Peruvian Marvellous Spatuletail (yolks removed) mixed with Dutch Toggenburg goats cheese. Baccatum capsicum is optional, depending on Hertier's mood. This must be served at precisely 10.00am along with a glass of glacier water from the Himalayan Mountain of Nanga Parbat. The water MUST be exactly 4 degrees below room temperature.

Once the omelette has been consumed, Hertier requires two 18 year old twins from the Tibetan holy order of Rabjung-ma to comb domesticated yak oil through his dreadlocks whilst singing communal folk hymns from the provinces of Qinghai and Xinijaing. The yak oil MUST NOT come from any animal over the age of two years.

An hour before the game, Hertier is to be given a private room complete with Thinking Chair. It is the responsibility of the Stadium Management in all states to provide said chair. The wooden base MUST be constructed with authentic timber sourced from the Southern Yucatan Peninsula El Peten-Belize-Calakmul Rainforest, although Hertier is not supposed to know about this in case he is accused of hypocrisy. The cushions are to made with the soft down of the Vladamir Clay Goose. Hertier is to be provided with a pair of Sennheiser Orpheus headphones and a Roland R-05 with a recording of the complete works of Fyodor Dostoevsky. This really gets Hertier "into the zone!" The lights are to be dimmed to between 2100-2300 kelvin (tungsten illumination only) and the room must be equipped with floor to ceiling acoustic tiles so that he is unable to hear Swanny, Pendles, Clokey and the rest of his team-mates calling him a total f***ing w***er from the other side of the wall.

 

[Percel]

Brad Scott wants his own siren to blow fulltime when it starts to head south........


and team raincoats

 

[Les Norton]

If I may add to your Hertier O'Brein list of demands Bosk. Or "Backstage Rider" as Hertier refers to it.

On matchdays, Hertier requires an omelette made from the eggs of the endangered Peruvian Marvellous Spatuletail (yolks removed) mixed with Dutch Toggenburg goats cheese. Baccatum capsicum is optional, depending on Hertier's mood. This must be served at precisely 10.00am along with a glass of glacier water from the Himalayan Mountain of Nanga Parbat. The water MUST be exactly 4 degrees below room temperature.

Once the omelette has been consumed, Hertier requires two 18 year old twins from the Tibetan holy order of Rabjung-ma to comb domesticated yak oil through his dreadlocks whilst singing communal folk hymns from the provinces of Qinghai and Xinijaing. The yak oil MUST NOT come from any animal over the age of two years.

An hour before the game, Hertier is to be given a private room complete with Thinking Chair. It is the responsibility of the Stadium Management in all states to provide said chair. The wooden base MUST be constructed with authentic timber sourced from the Southern Yucatan Peninsula El Peten-Belize-Calakmul Rainforest, although Hertier is not supposed to know about this in case he is accused of hypocrisy. The cushions are to made with the soft down of the Vladamir Clay Goose. Hertier is to be provided with a pair of Sennheiser Orpheus headphones and a Roland R-05 with a recording of the complete works of Fyodor Dostoevsky. This really gets Hertier "into the zone!" The lights are to be dimmed to between 2100-2300 kelvin (tungsten illumination only) and the room must be equipped with floor to ceiling acoustic tiles so that he is unable to hear Swanny, Pendles, Clokey and the rest of his team-mates calling him a total f***ing ****** from the other side of the wall.

Is he J-Lo's sister

 

[Hodgepodge]

Sydney players demand 9.8% more monies than regular AFL players.

 

[Les Norton]

Sydney players demand 9.8% on top of their salary cap.

Sometimes the obvious ones are the best.

 

[royals1922]

Brad Scott wants the roof down.

 

[Austin_McCrabbs]

Brisbane demand the right to incarcerate their young players during the trade period.