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Favourite Simpsons quotes

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Did anybody else love the episode when Homer rented out "Paint your Wagon"? Which he thought was a violent western film instead of a musical!

Homer: There singing! Why are they singing? What the hell is going on?!...........
Wait! There's Lee West (I think that's his name?) He is always drunk and violent!
Lee: What the hell is going on?!
Cowboy: Nothing, were just painting a little wagon, you got a problem with that?!
Lee: I do as a matter of fact...
Homer: Here we go!!!!
Lee: You missed a spot!
Cowboy: Well join in the partner!
Together: Gonna paint a wagon! Gonna paint if fine! Gonna used oil based paint because the wood is pine!

Homer: Grrrrr! *ejects the VCR into the bin* Singing is the lowest form of communication!

PISSER! Laughed sooo hard!
:D
 
My favorite episode is the the big brother episode where Homer adopts a kid called Pepi to make Bart jealous.

Highlights;

Bart 'faking it' on the swing-"HIgher, Daddy, Higher."

Homer telling the guy from the adoption agency that his reason for adoption was 'Spite'-The guy checks his list which has stuff like 'malice' on it and says OK

Homers tips to Bart on how to fight-"scream like a woman till he turns away in disgust and then jump on his back"

What a hoot.
 
When Groundskeeper Willie finds Homer and Bart stealing his 'retirement grease':

Willie: Who are you?
Homer: We're exchange students...from Scotland...
Willie: Scotland? I'm from Scotland...where do ya hail from?
Homer: ...North Kilt-town
Willie: No way, i'm from North Kiltwon...do you know Angus MacLeod?
Homer: *thinking*...Hang on a second, there's no Angus MacLeod in North Kiltown...why you're not even Scottish at all!

Not exact quote but close enough...
 

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Theres an episode where Mr Burns is trying to be hip and cool again, or something like that, and he goes to a radio station which is really out there and weird... the convo with the dj goes something like this.

DJ: So tell me mr burns, when was your first gay experience?
Mr Burns: My first 'gay' experience? Oh when I was about five, me and my friends went on a picnic, oh yes, we had a gay old time that day, yes, we ate our fair share of weiners then.

LOL

And you know how that new millionair comes to springfield, and Mr Burns is trying to tell smithers that he wants to be more popular or something, and he orders smithers to conga for him and he sings something like (as well as holding an electric shocker thing)
"Conga, Conga, Conga, We love monty burns more, conga like you mean it, please dont make me shock you"
hehehehe

There are SOOOOO many more, just cant think of them all.
I agree that that quote about the pointdexter is fantastic, i think it's like this.

M: "Homer who'd you get"
H: "Ooooh captain of the football team! he's a dream-boat! Don't wait up marge!"
M: (laughing) "okay bart, your turn, your turn"
Bart: (bored - showing picture of a nerd)
(Homer and Marge cracking up)
M: "You got the dud!"
H: "Hey! He looks just like you pointdexter!!!" (pointing to milhouse)
*bart complains, 'how come lisa gets to go out with her friends'
H: "You got a friend, you got the dud right here. Stand up for yourself pointdexter!"

LMAO!
 
Homer has just played an April fools joke on Bart, and Bart wants to get him back.

BART: (hiding behind a wall) Hmmm, how can I get revenge on Homer. What's his weakness?

HOMER: (opening the fridge and talking to himself) Ahhh, beer......my one weakness. My achilles heel if you will.

BART: Of course.....Beer ! Hmm, but what should I do with that beer?

HOMER: (still talking to himself. Opens up a beer, and it froths up.) Whoops....it's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I would have looked quite the fool. An April fool as it were.

BART: Of course!!!

Bart then proceeds to shake up Homers beer to such an extent that if Homer opens it, it will explode. Homer opens the Beer, and as Bart shouts: "April fools", the whole house explodes in a mushroom cloud of beer due to the shaken up can of Duff.

Chief Wiggum and the Black Cop notice the explosion

BLACK COP: That looks like an explosion at the old Simpsons place.

WIGGUM: Ah, don't worry about it. I'd have to get up.

BLACK COP: That looks like beer coming out of the chimney.

WIGGUM: (immediately getting up) I am proceeding on foot. Call all cars to the Simpsons house.

BLACK COP: (talking into his radio) All units make your way to the Simpson house immediately....we need pretzels, repeat....pretzels.
 
Another classic moment:

**The family is looking at saving money for the family dog's operation operation:

Marge: I’ll stop buying lottery tickets.
Bart: I’ll take up smoking, then quit. That should save us a fair bit.
Homer: I’m so proud of you Bart. Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.
Lisa: But he didn’t do anything!!!
Homer: (proceeds with a drawn out “ignorance of youth” style) Didn’t he Lisa? Didn’t he?

**taken from a past Simpsons thread on bigfooty.
 
Homer: "How was school today"
Lisa: "Fine"
Bart "I Got expelled"
Homer: "Thats my boy!!......ummm...Beer"


*Compute screen reads "Press any key"
Homer: "Press the Any Key"
"Wheres the any key....i see esc....pig up.....cer-tar-l....but i don't see the any key"
Homer: "Ohhhh, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty, i think i'll order a tab"
*Presses the tab key*


Lunchlady Doris: "At last the world is safe, hey fallout boy"
Ralph: "What for lunch tomorrow?"
Director: "NEXT!!!!!!"
Ralph: "Chicken Necks?"
 
No one talks but its visually hilarious.

Simpsons place is on fire and Ned runs in to save the day, he smashes out a second floor window and throws a mattress out. He then throws Homer out to safety but Homer bounces onto the mattress and straight through the first story window back inside the burning house.

Classic stuff.

Bart has that radio thing and puts it in Rod and Tods room. It goes something like this?

Bart: This is GOD. Rod, run through the wall i will remove for you.....

Rod runs into the wall.

Bart: ......Later

LOL.

Homer: When is this free weekend.

Brochure ppl: its this weekend sir.

Homer: uh huh, but how much is this free weekend going to cost.

Brochure ppl: umm its free sir.

Homer: Yes but when is this free weekend of yours.

Ect ect LOL.
 
ralph: miss hover my worm jumped into my mouth and then i ate my worm can i have another one?
miss hover: no sorry ralph there is no more just sit there and try to go to sleep
ralph: OH BOY! sleep is where i shine
classic

homer: hello my name is mr. burns i belive you have a letter for me
Mail dude: ok mr burns what's your first name
homer: umm..... i don't.. know

dr. nick: the knee bones connected to the.. da da.. the da da's connected to this thing.. this thing's connected to my wrist watch

homer: don't worry boy, we'll get a new dog. One with an untwistable stomache!

while the pig on a spit is rolling away..
[rolls through bushes]
Homer: it's a little dirty still good still good
[rolls over a road]
homer: it's a little smoggy still good still good
[goes into dam]
homer: it's a little slimey still good still good
[get's caught in a whole in the dam and then get's launched out]
homer: it's a little air born still good still good

the above isn't exact but close enough :D
 
Oh, the other one is the Scottish maintenance bloke when the world cup soccer match is on. The crowd gets restless, then they start to brawl -

To 3 other Scottish blokes ..... "C'mon fellas. Lut's show 'um wert sucker voi-lence uz rilly aboot" while pulling out an iron bar ....

I had stomach pains ....
 

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Homer: Beer...now there's a temporary solution. :D

Another one at the soccer game...
Kent Brockman: (in the commentry booth, looking bored) Centre passes to the wing, back to the centre, centre holds it, *sigh*, holds it, holds it.

(It crosses to the commentry box next to him. There is a South American commentator)
Commentator: (excited and quickly) CENTRE PASSES TO WING, BACK TO CENTRE! CENTRS HOLDS IT,HOLDS IT HOLDS IT!!!!!!
 
Originally posted by jod23
No one talks but its visually hilarious.


Homer: When is this free weekend.

Brochure ppl: its this weekend sir.

Homer: uh huh, but how much is this free weekend going to cost.

Brochure ppl: umm its free sir.

Homer: Yes but when is this free weekend of yours.

Ect ect LOL.

HAHAHA! Saw that last night.

I havent laughed at a thread so much before than this one.

I just remembered another one, where Homer is playing Blackjack:

DEALER: 19
HOMER: Hit me!
DEALER: 20
HOMER: Hit me!
DEALER: 21
HOMER: Hit me!
DEALER: 22
HOMER: D'oh!

:) :) :)

PURE GOLD!!
 
localyokel - my favourite episode too!

I hate to be a pedant (no, I don't actually :D ) but the bit where the "Bigger Brothers" agent asks Homer why he wants a little brother goes like this ...

Homer's brain: Don't say revenge, don't say revenge.
Homer: Uh ... revenge?
Homer's brain: That's it, I'm getting out of here.

You hear footsteps in Homer's head and then a door slamming, while the agent ticks 'Revenge' on the checksheet.

Also love the news report from Kent ...

"We have just received word that there is a fist-fight on in downtown Springfield. First reports in - and these are very preliminary - is that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. (off camera) Do we have a source for this information? Uh-huh? A bunch of drunken frat boys? I could use some names? I P Freeley?"

Ooh, ooh, there's more:

Tom (Bart's Bigger Brother): Bart, I told you you shouldn't talk to strangers.
Homer: For your information, I'm his father.
Tom: The drunken gambler?
Homer (genially): Yes! And who might you be?

Tom: Bart, I could kiss you. If the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't.

And the ad ...

Voice-over: So, your Dad's gone, huh?
Sad boy at gravesite: Uh-huh.
Voice-over: He's not coming back, is he?
Boy: He might.
Voice-over: No, he won't! But at Bigger Brothers, we can help.
(Bigger Brother appears, and he and the formerly sad boy play catch over the father's grave)

And finally, my personal favourite Kent Brockman moments:

"Well, it appears we've lost the vision, but I think it's clear what has happened. The shuttle has been taken over, conquered if you will, by a mutant race of giant space ants. It is not clear whether the ants will consume their human captives, or merely enslave them. What is clear is that there is no stopping them - they will soon be here.

And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as an influential newsreader I can be helpful for herding others into their underground sugar caves"

"Well, it appears I was a bit hasty before. I'd like to reaffirm my allegience to this country and its human president. It may not be perfect, but it's the best system we've got. For now. (Off camera) What? Oh! (Pulls down 'Hail Ants' sign above right shoulder). Meanwhile, the astronauts are in grave danger, attempting dangerous re-entry, yada yada yada - we'll see you after the movie."

"In other news, the president was arrested for murder today, more on that tomorrow night, or you can tune in to another channel. What? Oh. Do not tune to another channel."

"In the big news today, the winner of the state lottery was ... ME ... Kent Brockman. Have we got a shot of me? There you go! In other news ... a tragic accident in Cleveland ... uh ... many people killed ... uh ... goodbye!"
 
There are too many to post but some of Homer's greats that haven't been mentioned yet :

Oh, my god, Marge. A penalty shot, with only four seconds left. Its your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

You couldnt fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

You suck-diddly-uck Flanders
 
When Lisa tries to be cool and goes off looking for some cool kids....

*Lisa hears the kids talking
Lisa: Only teenagers could be that incoherant!
*pics up a mirror thing to look in and starts practising to talk like them... "Like y'know, whatever. like y'knoooow whatever"
Lisa: *starts walking up to them when a seagull screeches at her "Okay, okay, it's a bird thing. You don't control the birds now, but you will someday. *Starts walking up to them... "Hey"
Cool guy: "Sup"
Other cool guy: "Who's that?
Cool guy: "I dunno, some kid"
Erin: "Hey, I like your hat"
Lisa: (in her brain) "Scanning for sarcasm.... it's clean! GO!" - "Hey... you guys scate?"
Cool guy: "Try to, cops always confiscate our boards."
Erin: "Yeah, and you know they're using them like, five minutes later down at the station"
Lisa: "I know a place that's vertually deserted!"
*Blank stares*
Lisa: "Like y'know, whatever"
Kids: "Oh! okay! Cool! Alright!"
LOL- something like that!

Bart:
"My friendship - you know you want it".
 
Originally posted by sbagman


Did they become the Sampsons? Can't remember. Remember rolling on the floor for a while after it though...

I love the episode when Troy McClure and Selma get married, and they have "Planet of the apes, the musical"....

"I hate every ape I see / From chimpan A to chimpanzee..."

"I love you Dr Zaes!"

Dr. Zaes!!! To the tune of Falco's 'Rock me Armadaus'.. Anyone remember that one??

Personal fave:

Homer, staring at computer screen, reads on-screen message...

"To start press any key....Where's the 'ANY' key???" :D :D
 

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LOL loved the episode where they came to Australia, and Homer was at the embassy jumping from the american side to the Austrlia side singing, "American, Australia, America" and then the American guard punches him and says something like "In America we don not tolerate that kind of behaviour"

LOL loved it not really a quote but still funny

There were too many episodes to remember and too many good laughs..
 
lol heres another one, where Marge was a gambling addict

Homer: marge i want u to admit you have a gambling problem.

Marge: Your right Homer. I'll seek some porfessional help

Homer: No, no. Thats too expensive. Just dont do it anymore

LOL i love the Simpsons. Guarantted to crack u up ever time :-)
 
Classic Comic Book Guy Quotes:

CBG: I can give you this telephone, it is shaped like Mary Worth.
Bart: Awww.
CBG: No groaning in my store.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bart sees a sign in the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card
Shop window
Bart: (Gasps) 99 cents.
(Bart enters shop)
Bart: I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm, here's 99 cents.
CBG: Huh. Allow me to summarise the proposed transaction. You
wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents, net profit to
me, negative 59 dollars.
(CBG opens the till)
CBG: Oh, oh, please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's
yours.
(Bart reaches for the money)
CBG: Er, er, er. Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I
shall close the register at this point, and state that
99 cents is the rental price.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leaves restaurant with a wheelbarrow full of tacos
CBG: Yes, this should provide adequate sustainance for the
Dr. Who marathon.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At 'The Copy Jalopy'
CBG: Question: Is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
CBG: Well then, I would thank you to stop peering at my
screenplay, Homer. And if I see a movie where computers
threaten our personal liberties, I will know that you
stole my idea.
Homer: I'm just waiting for my kid.
Homer's Brain: Mental note: steal his idea.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
(After a screening of Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat)
Bart: How come I've never seen that Itchy and Scratchy
before?
CBG: Perhaps because you are a pre-pubescent ignoramus.
This is a bootleg copy of Itchy and Scratchy meet
Fritz the Cat. Because of it's frank depiction of
sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile
intellect, such as yours, now toodle-oo.
Bart: Aww.
(Bart and Lisa turn to leave. Bart sees a framed drawing
of Itchy)
Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
CBG: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois because you are
making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly 750
dollars American.
Bart: It's valuable, huh?!
CBG: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I
can't allow you to waste them here when there are
so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment.
Go, go, for the good of the city.
Bart: Loser.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CBG is talking on the telephone
CBG: Yes, and one with extra cheese, thank you.
(CBG puts down the telephone as a distressed Milhouse enters
the shop)
Milhouse: Can I use your bathroom?
CBG: No, you may not. The bathroom is for paying
customers only, if you purchase an item you
may use the bathroom.
Milhouse: Aw, ok, how about that?
(Milhouse points to a framed photo)
CBG: That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by
Roger Moore, it is worth one hundred and fifty
dollars.
Milhouse: Aw, what can I get for 75 cents?
CBG: (sigh) You may purchase this charming Hamburglar
adventure. A child has already solved the jumble
using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.
(Milhouse pays for the comic as his father enters the shop)
Kirk: Er, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just
needed to use the bathroom, now I find you buying
comics.
CBG: Oh, our transaction is completed, you may take
the boy.
Milhouse: Wait!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
CBG: Ahem, your attention please.
I&S fan: Er, in the episode...
CBG: Er, your attention please. Mr. Simpson will now be
autographing 8 by 10 glossies of Poochie. Please
form a line, there will be no cutting. I'm talking
to you Mr. Cutter.
(CBG cuts to the front of the line)
CBG: Pardon me. Look out. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hot soup.
Hi, can you make one out to me and three out to my
friend of the same name.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CBG sits at his computer
CBG: Oh, Captain Janeway. Lace: The Final Brassiere.
Oh hurry up, I'm a busy man. Ugh, this high-speed
modem is intolerably slow. (The download is interrupted
by a banner advertisement) Hey, what the? Huh, the
Internet King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity.
(scene changes to Homer's office)
Homer: Welcome to the internet my friend, how can I help you?
CBG: I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight
kilobaud internet connection to a one point five megabit
fibre-optic T-1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP
router that's compatable with my token ring ethernet LAN
configuration?
Homer: (after long pause) Can I have some money now?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outside Fortune Megastore
CBG: Ooh, once again my underwear has become tangled in a cow-catcher.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the State of the City Address
CBG: Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding
will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will
mean much less breeding, for me, much much more.
 
Originally posted by WCE2000
Classic Comic Book Guy Quotes:

CBG: I can give you this telephone, it is shaped like Mary Worth.
Bart: Awww.
CBG: No groaning in my store.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bart sees a sign in the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card
Shop window
Bart: (Gasps) 99 cents.
(Bart enters shop)
Bart: I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm, here's 99 cents.
CBG: Huh. Allow me to summarise the proposed transaction. You
wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents, net profit to
me, negative 59 dollars.
(CBG opens the till)
CBG: Oh, oh, please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's
yours.
(Bart reaches for the money)
CBG: Er, er, er. Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I
shall close the register at this point, and state that
99 cents is the rental price.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leaves restaurant with a wheelbarrow full of tacos
CBG: Yes, this should provide adequate sustainance for the
Dr. Who marathon.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At 'The Copy Jalopy'
CBG: Question: Is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
CBG: Well then, I would thank you to stop peering at my
screenplay, Homer. And if I see a movie where computers
threaten our personal liberties, I will know that you
stole my idea.
Homer: I'm just waiting for my kid.
Homer's Brain: Mental note: steal his idea.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
(After a screening of Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat)
Bart: How come I've never seen that Itchy and Scratchy
before?
CBG: Perhaps because you are a pre-pubescent ignoramus.
This is a bootleg copy of Itchy and Scratchy meet
Fritz the Cat. Because of it's frank depiction of
sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile
intellect, such as yours, now toodle-oo.
Bart: Aww.
(Bart and Lisa turn to leave. Bart sees a framed drawing
of Itchy)
Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
CBG: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois because you are
making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly 750
dollars American.
Bart: It's valuable, huh?!
CBG: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I
can't allow you to waste them here when there are
so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment.
Go, go, for the good of the city.
Bart: Loser.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CBG is talking on the telephone
CBG: Yes, and one with extra cheese, thank you.
(CBG puts down the telephone as a distressed Milhouse enters
the shop)
Milhouse: Can I use your bathroom?
CBG: No, you may not. The bathroom is for paying
customers only, if you purchase an item you
may use the bathroom.
Milhouse: Aw, ok, how about that?
(Milhouse points to a framed photo)
CBG: That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by
Roger Moore, it is worth one hundred and fifty
dollars.
Milhouse: Aw, what can I get for 75 cents?
CBG: (sigh) You may purchase this charming Hamburglar
adventure. A child has already solved the jumble
using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.
(Milhouse pays for the comic as his father enters the shop)
Kirk: Er, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just
needed to use the bathroom, now I find you buying
comics.
CBG: Oh, our transaction is completed, you may take
the boy.
Milhouse: Wait!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
CBG: Ahem, your attention please.
I&S fan: Er, in the episode...
CBG: Er, your attention please. Mr. Simpson will now be
autographing 8 by 10 glossies of Poochie. Please
form a line, there will be no cutting. I'm talking
to you Mr. Cutter.
(CBG cuts to the front of the line)
CBG: Pardon me. Look out. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hot soup.
Hi, can you make one out to me and three out to my
friend of the same name.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CBG sits at his computer
CBG: Oh, Captain Janeway. Lace: The Final Brassiere.
Oh hurry up, I'm a busy man. Ugh, this high-speed
modem is intolerably slow. (The download is interrupted
by a banner advertisement) Hey, what the? Huh, the
Internet King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity.
(scene changes to Homer's office)
Homer: Welcome to the internet my friend, how can I help you?
CBG: I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight
kilobaud internet connection to a one point five megabit
fibre-optic T-1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP
router that's compatable with my token ring ethernet LAN
configuration?
Homer: (after long pause) Can I have some money now?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outside Fortune Megastore
CBG: Ooh, once again my underwear has become tangled in a cow-catcher.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the State of the City Address
CBG: Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding
will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will
mean much less breeding, for me, much much more.

HaHaHaHa!

He is one of my favourite characters, the Comic book guy! Saw the quote by Homer last night 'Can I have some money now?' just CRACKED ME UP no end!

Other bits were when he bouht 100 tacos for $100 and says "This should provide adequate substanance for the Dr. Who marathon!'

Or when he sts in the doctors waiting room saying "Urrrrrrgh Chessburgers and Tacos are a dangerous mix!"

Or when he trys to trade in a belt he won, saying a Medium size was inadequate for the average Star rek fan, and the bloke behind the counter says "Ooh! A Fat, Sarcastic Star-Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies!!"

Tell me how you managed to get all the quotes word-for-word?
 
from the episode when the simpsons and milhouse go to the flanders beach house

in simpsons driveway before they leave

Homer: "Well someones travelling light"
Lisa: "ah....maybe your just getting stronger"
Homer: said with excitement "Well i have been eating more"
 

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