Curly5
Premiership Player
This bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, one is already occupied. So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops'em and sits down.
A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him "G'day mate, how are you going?"
Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies "Yeh, not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, he hears the voice again: "So, what are you up to mate?
Again answering reluctantly, but unsure what to say, he replies "Umm, just having a quick poo. How about yourself?"
He then hears the voice for the 3rd time.....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some idiot next to me answering all my questions."
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".
They said "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who! 's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his dog for company. One day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin' a mass for de poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon replied, "I'll go right away Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why din't ye tell me the dog was Catholic?"
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
"All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it."
- Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr.
..."Never argue with a Stupid man as he could be doing the same!"
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Speaking at a staff meeting, a very pert and pretty female
engineer told the male manager of the division, "I'd like to
get something off my chest."
"What's that?"
"Your eyes."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other: "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him "G'day mate, how are you going?"
Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies "Yeh, not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, he hears the voice again: "So, what are you up to mate?
Again answering reluctantly, but unsure what to say, he replies "Umm, just having a quick poo. How about yourself?"
He then hears the voice for the 3rd time.....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some idiot next to me answering all my questions."
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".
They said "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who! 's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his dog for company. One day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin' a mass for de poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon replied, "I'll go right away Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why din't ye tell me the dog was Catholic?"
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
"All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it."
- Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr.
..."Never argue with a Stupid man as he could be doing the same!"
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Speaking at a staff meeting, a very pert and pretty female
engineer told the male manager of the division, "I'd like to
get something off my chest."
"What's that?"
"Your eyes."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other: "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
