Curly5
Premiership Player
The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and
was told that although her quarters would be in a separate
building, she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her
that meant to eat her meals with them.
Many years ago, there was a Russian Czar named Rudolph the Red. One morning, just prior to Xmas, Rudolph and his wife were sharing pleasantries and making conversation when Rudolph opined that it looked like it was raining outside.
His wife--as often happens in partnerships--chose the opposite view and claimed it was snowing. Rudolph suggested they both duck outside for a few moments to confirm which it was. Having done this and being proved correct, Rudolph said
" Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!".
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said, "Did you get my drift?"
So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of Viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's? In Iraq.
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"
A man complained, "Doc, I've been to three other clinics and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."
"I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach." --Bill Muse
"I wasn't being entertained for over twenty minutes yesterday and I started to suffer withdrawal. I didn't have a TV, no book to read, no music playing, no video games, nothing. I got scared and wondered, 'Would I ever be entertained again?'
I was just about to feel an emotion - yes, an emotion in-spired by real life, and in the nick of time I made it to a cereal box and read the ingredients. Thank you, God!"
-Bob Odenkirk
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
"Wow! I can't believe it! You're right, the suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thingy in 15 years." Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said,
"Dye it? What color is it now?!"
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm
dying to have s.e.x in the worst way.
So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is
standing up in a hammock."
What's the definition of optimism?
An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
A blond guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced. The store assistant assures him they work and closes the deal.
On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked.
He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on.
Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off,and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they're still naked.
"Damn," he says, "I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
"Teenaged boys already know everything. When a boy reaches13 years of age, the Knowledge Fairy comes around and inserts into his brain all the information in the entire universe. From that point on, he no longer needs any parental guidance. All he needs is parental money."
--Dave Barry
"The Wisdom of a Navajo Woman."
A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she
stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the
Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers!
was told that although her quarters would be in a separate
building, she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her
that meant to eat her meals with them.
Many years ago, there was a Russian Czar named Rudolph the Red. One morning, just prior to Xmas, Rudolph and his wife were sharing pleasantries and making conversation when Rudolph opined that it looked like it was raining outside.
His wife--as often happens in partnerships--chose the opposite view and claimed it was snowing. Rudolph suggested they both duck outside for a few moments to confirm which it was. Having done this and being proved correct, Rudolph said
" Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!".
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said, "Did you get my drift?"
So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of Viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's? In Iraq.
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"
A man complained, "Doc, I've been to three other clinics and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."
"I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach." --Bill Muse
"I wasn't being entertained for over twenty minutes yesterday and I started to suffer withdrawal. I didn't have a TV, no book to read, no music playing, no video games, nothing. I got scared and wondered, 'Would I ever be entertained again?'
I was just about to feel an emotion - yes, an emotion in-spired by real life, and in the nick of time I made it to a cereal box and read the ingredients. Thank you, God!"
-Bob Odenkirk
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
"Wow! I can't believe it! You're right, the suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thingy in 15 years." Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said,
"Dye it? What color is it now?!"
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm
dying to have s.e.x in the worst way.
So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is
standing up in a hammock."
What's the definition of optimism?
An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
A blond guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced. The store assistant assures him they work and closes the deal.
On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked.
He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on.
Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off,and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they're still naked.
"Damn," he says, "I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
"Teenaged boys already know everything. When a boy reaches13 years of age, the Knowledge Fairy comes around and inserts into his brain all the information in the entire universe. From that point on, he no longer needs any parental guidance. All he needs is parental money."
--Dave Barry
"The Wisdom of a Navajo Woman."
A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she
stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the
Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers!
