Curly5
Premiership Player
Signs outside a church....
For members only: Trespassers will be baptized.
Free trip to heaven: Details inside.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.
God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.
Come and pray today: Beat the Christmas rush.
Sign broken: Message inside this Sunday.
How will you spend eternity: Smoking or Nonsmoking?
FOR ALL THE LEXIOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad! "
The cop asked, "What's he like? "
The little boy replied,
"Beer and women with big t.i.t.s. "
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
Eleanor Roosevelt
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"
Apathy is dreadful--one day some one will do something about it.
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drowned. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
On the first day of university, the Dean addressed the new students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and likewise, the male dormitory will be out-of-bounds to all female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first time. He continued, " And anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $200. Are there any questions"?"
At this point a male student in the crowd inquired: " How much for a season pass?"
Some drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.
Mae West
A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, "Handy man wanted; apply within."
So he does and speaks to the foreman.
"Can you drive a Bobcat?" the foreman asks.
"No."
"Can you plaster?"
"No."
"Have you ever done any carpentry?"
"No."
"If you don't mind me asking," says the foreman, "what's so handy about you?"
"Well, I only live about five minutes down the road..."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but
the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."
"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."
The manager thought for a moment and then raised his megaphone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"
Subject: Four married guys go fishing.
After an hour, the following conversations take place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man! You both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I'd remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy hasn't said a word.
So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set the alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut it down, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or s.e.x," and she said, "Wear a sweater".
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.............. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today"
For members only: Trespassers will be baptized.
Free trip to heaven: Details inside.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.
God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.
Come and pray today: Beat the Christmas rush.
Sign broken: Message inside this Sunday.
How will you spend eternity: Smoking or Nonsmoking?
FOR ALL THE LEXIOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad! "
The cop asked, "What's he like? "
The little boy replied,
"Beer and women with big t.i.t.s. "
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
Eleanor Roosevelt
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"
Apathy is dreadful--one day some one will do something about it.
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drowned. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
On the first day of university, the Dean addressed the new students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and likewise, the male dormitory will be out-of-bounds to all female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first time. He continued, " And anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $200. Are there any questions"?"
At this point a male student in the crowd inquired: " How much for a season pass?"
Some drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.
Mae West
A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, "Handy man wanted; apply within."
So he does and speaks to the foreman.
"Can you drive a Bobcat?" the foreman asks.
"No."
"Can you plaster?"
"No."
"Have you ever done any carpentry?"
"No."
"If you don't mind me asking," says the foreman, "what's so handy about you?"
"Well, I only live about five minutes down the road..."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but
the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."
"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."
The manager thought for a moment and then raised his megaphone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"
Subject: Four married guys go fishing.
After an hour, the following conversations take place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man! You both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I'd remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy hasn't said a word.
So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set the alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut it down, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or s.e.x," and she said, "Wear a sweater".
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.............. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today"
