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Golf Jokes

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Damp Squarie

Damp Squarie

Umm Qasr
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the bluddy ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball'schance in hell of hitting her from here!"




A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
 
Q: How do you find water in the desert?

A: Hand Ian Baker-Finch a 9-iron.
 

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Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris???

A. A bloke will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball!!!
;)
 
Originally posted by dyertribe
Q: How do you find water in the desert?

A: Hand Ian Baker-Finch a 9-iron.
Click to expand...


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!


I remember the last time he played the British Open.... Couldn't find the fairway on the first at St. Andrews :eek:

And it's 130 Metres Wide :D
 
Sammy Davis Jnr is playing a game of golf with some Hollywood friends. Sammy wins the toss and he's off first. As he's about to address the ball, one of his playing partners says, "Hang on Sammy, what's your handicap?"

Sammy says, " You're trying to tell me that a one-eyed, black, Jewish, Catholic needs a handicap?" This is a quote from his autobiography, 'Yes, I Can.' Very difficult to find, but one of the best autobiographies I've ever read.

Another story: Woman pays to have a lesson from the local golf pro. She says it's because she wants to share her life with her husband, who's a golf nut.

Golf pro takes her out onto the practice range and asks her to show him her swing.

She addresses the ball and swings, causing the ball to dribble off the front of the tee, achieving the distance of about seven metres.

He says, "I want you to take the club as if you've got a hold of your husbands ol' feller."

The woman stands up to the tee and belts the ball 250 metres, straight down the middle.

The pro says, "That was fantastic. Do you think we could try the same shot, but this time, take the club out of your mouth?"
 

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Four guys are on the green discussing how they got their wives to let them play. The first guy says I had to buy her flowers, take her to a movie and go shopping with her.

The second bloke says I had to paint the house and cook dinner. The third bloke says he has promised never to play golf again and would help with all housework.

However, the fourth guy says It was really easy. All I had to do was set the alarm clock for 5:00am and when it went off ask my wife "Golf course or intercourse?" to which the wife replied "don't forget to take your sweater!"
 
Originally posted by Kapow!!!
Four guys are on the green discussing how they got their wives to let them play. The first guy says I had to buy her flowers, take her to a movie and go shopping with her.

The second bloke says I had to paint the house and cook dinner. The third bloke says he has promised never to play golf again and would help with all housework.

However, the fourth guy says It was really easy. All I had to do was set the alarm clock for 5:00am and when it went off ask my wife "Golf course or intercourse?" to which the wife replied "don't forget to take your sweater!"
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That's bloody funny and so insightful.
 
Jim from Hobart goes to play golf with an old school mate Dave who moved to Queenstown years ago.
On the course they're catching up on old times when the subject turns to family. Dave mentions his daughter is now 18, to which Jim asks if she's sexually active. Dave ruefully replies that she's not because she just lies there like her mother.
 
Originally posted by Fishfinger
Jim from Hobart goes to play golf with an old school mate Dave who moved to Queenstown years ago.
On the course they're catching up on old times when the subject turns to family. Dave mentions his daughter is now 18, to which Jim asks if she's sexually active. Dave ruefully replies that she's not because she just lies there like her mother.
Click to expand...

This is ****ing funny. No need to ask what the inspiration for your nick was.
 
>4 Golfers Sons
>
>These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.
>One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three
>are discussing their children while walking to the first
>tee.
>
>"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself
>in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter,
>but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's
>so successful in fact, in the last year he was able
>to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
>
>The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son
>began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-
>line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the
>last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars
>as a gift."
>
>The third man's son has worked his way up through a
>stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given
>a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
>
>As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells
>him that they have been discussing their progeny and
>asks what line his son is in.
>
>"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my
>son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years,
>he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered
>he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side,
>he must be good at what he does because his last three
>boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars,
>and a big pile of stock certificates."
 

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*It's doubles day at the local course, and these three old men are standing in the bunker arguing heatedly, while a fourth is lying on the ground stone dead. The course official asks them, "What's going on here?"

"Well," says one old guy, "Clarence has had a stroke, and these two ********s want to add it to our score!"


* Why is golf called golf? Because all the other four letter words are taken.
 
Tiger

Tiger woods and Steveie wonder where having dinner one night when stevie turns to tiger and says, " YOu know tige, i would really love to have a hit with you one day".
Tiger says, Now stevie, that wouldnt be fair, you know",
Stevie Replies, " Oh yeah care to put a wager on that"
Tiger" Yeah okj how bout an even thousand"
Stevie "How bout a million, lets make it interesting:
Tiger, " Ok Then its a bet, when do you want to play:"
Steveie sayes' How bout midnight tonight"/....
 
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

After a short pause ...

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
 

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