Media I Am Definitely The Best - S31 - Our Best Friends Best Friend Is Our Enemy :hug:

[Proper Gander]

File photo of Tarkyn_24 and manangatang at team selection and branding meeting for Season 31:

View attachment 1053516

shut up

 

[Proper Gander]

Don’t sad me, Tarks

 

[Hate]

SEASON 31, ROUND 02 TARKY_STARS REPORT

​

Dear Readers,

Round 02 of the 31st Sweet F.A season took place over the weekend. Our main man, Tarkyn_24, laced up the high heels at the Snow Dome to take on the Roys FFC. I am reliably informed that in the locker rooms before the bounce he was heard uttering some weird phrases such as:

"Come on, Tarks. You got this. You are THE man."
"Look at you. <inaudible>. They think you are not up to it."
"Prove them wrong. Big. Huge. Muscles."
"Hate always poking fun at me. <inaudible> he is."

It seems this self gee-up got this wannabe Ruck superstar going enough to where he was very influential in his clubs dominant 41 point win over the Roys FFC.

Before we really get stuck into the Tarky stuff, I want to introduce you to someone very special.

Headless, Mount Buller Demons... Player.
​

This is Headless.
Headless is a dreamer.
He has many dreams.
He dreams about the All-SFA squad.
He dreams NaturalDisaster will listen to him.
He dreams about his 400+ game total being something special.
He dreams about posting good media threads.

We like Headless. He is nice, loveable, and extremely kind. To really give you a sense of what a dreamer Headless is though, check out this post of his from post-match on Sunday.

Is today the day @Hate awards ten TarkyStars?

First of all, Mount Buller Dummy, Tarkyn_Stars only go to negative whatever number Tarkyn_24 was awarded in Round 11 last season and 5 Tarky Stars in the positive. Fifthly, Tarkyn_24 was absolutely smashed by his opposition, upcoming Ruck star JackNah_8.

In an epic battle, not much between JackNah_8 and Tarkyn_24 - the former was probably a smidgeon better. - 99m from 1 to 100

For the system to even consider Ten Tarky Stars it would have to read something similar to 'oops. we could not find JackNah_8 on the field.' 12 HitOuts is a rather poor effort. Maybe good for Tarkyn_24 standards. The system feels the ranking given below is appropriate and suggests that outsides of the HitOuts, Tarkyn_24 gave a valiant effort. 22 disposals as well as 2 goals, which by the way is more goals than he kicked in Rounds 03, 06, 11, and 16 COMBINED, shows he is slowly getting into the groove of his new position.

TELL HEADLESS HE IS DREAMIN'.

TARKY_STARS AWARDED:

(+3.5)

The committee of one has decided that this (Round 02) performance is worthy of three and one half Tarky_Stars.
​

Good job, Tarks. Poor job, Mount Buller Demons, for Tarkyn_24 would have kicked 5 goals at FF this week, now the needle has barely moved once again. To brighten things up a little, we have added a brand new HitOut tracker and are now open for bets on which will fill out first.

WHERE TARKYN_24 IS AT:

It is a miracle. It moved.

 

[Headless]

Best thread.

 

[Tarkyn_24]

I am the best 970 goal ruck the SFA has ever seen

 

[Hate]

I am the best 970 goal ruck the SFA has ever seen

That is quite the point you have there...

 

[Tony Lynn 15]

Saw this and was hoping Hate was finally going to apologise to me for the S24 Deeestroy travesty. Disappointed once again.

 

[Tarkyn_24]

Disappointed once again.

Yes that has been the central posit of this thread.

 

[Hate]

Saw this and was hoping Hate was finally going to apologise to me for the S24 Deeestroy travesty. Disappointed once again.

Hi Tones,

Your names both start with T, so I can see how it may confuse you to think this thread is about you, but it is actually about Tarkyn_24 and his disappointments...

As a one-off, I would be happy to run your recent match through the system and see how many Tarky_Stars it pops out if you would like?

Glad to see you here!

 

[Hate]

SEASON 31, ROUND 03 TARKY_STARS REPORT

​

Dear Readers,

Another week has gone and we have been witness to yet another garbage performance by our good man.

We must say, we are running out of ideas of ways that we can call Tarkyn_24 shit. This is our ninth edition. In all honesty, we did not think it would take the self-professed greatest of all time this long to knock over 1,000 goals. All was well at the start of the season when we decided to make an editorial direction change and focus on Tarkyn_24 reaching 1,000 HitOuts instead of goals, but as it turns out, the first 3 rounds of this 31st Sweet F.A Season have proved that he is just as rubbish at getting HitOuts as he is at kicking goals.

So, after a brain storming session we collectively decided that for being a campaigner and not playing Tarkyn_24 at Full Forward we would just rip-off our dear friend, Moderator, fact-checker, and very nice bloke manangatang and his brilliant media threads. We could have wrapped up this thread this week if not for mangers. The Mount Buller Dummies current Full Forward, Proper Gander put on an absolute clinic against opposition Art Vandelay_, kicking 7 goals. Imagine if that was Tarkyn_24. It might have been 70 goals. But no, let's play Tarkyn_24 in a spot is he is even worse in.

Proper Gander's last THREE (3) games:
16 Goals

Tarkyn_24's last SIXTEEN (16) Games:
26 Goals

COME. ON. ******

****** not actually any filtered swearing or NSFW content. The printer is just having some difficulties after it was kicked off the table.

So we present to you, an absolute rip-off of the brilliant thread: manangatang's Diary. Please contact Ned_Flanders to get in touch with his lawyer Rudy if you have any problems with our clear breach of copyright.

HEAD WRITERS DIARY:

Monday 22, 2021

9 AM - We just got new coffee in the office. I really enjoyed it.
11 AM - Stats just arrived, they look good so far. Tigerturbulance got 18 HitOuts. It must have been a good week for the Rucks.
1 PM - Just found out the Mount Buller Demons got a win over the Las Vegas Bears.
1:04 PM - Diary, I write you from the toilet stall. I am so mad and angry right now. I feel so broken. Tarkyn_24 got 4 HitOuts and 0 Goals. Have to go back to other work now, hope they don't notice I have been crying.
2 PM - Just started writing the Round 03 report, struggling for ideas. Oh, diary, what will I write?
3 PM - Just took a stroll around the office grounds. Lovely trees and the lake is looking rather calm. I fed the birds.
4 PM - Almost home time. Have not done much work today, it looks like the report may be a little late. No ideas coming to mind.

Tuesday 23, 2021

9 AM - Been at work an hour. Still no report.
9:30 AM - Why does Tarkyn_24 suck so much? I definitely do not get paid enough for this.
1 PM - Tried to eat lunch, could not keep it down I was so sick after thinking about how poor Tarkyn_24 has been recently.
2 PM - Want to quit... Hate my job writing these reports. Why can he not just be... good? He once was. I have lots of ideas about that. They are all stashed. He has maybe had like one good week. Hope you are having a better day, diary.
3 PM - Have just delegated the report, feel much better now.

I hope you enjoy the pain you are inflicting manangatang and Tarkyn_24 on our team!

TARKY_STARS AWARDED:
(+0)

The committee of one has decided that this (Round 03) performance is worthy of Zero Tarky_Stars.
​

No Headless, we will not be awarding one star per HitOut. Maybe knee cap the opposition for your friend so he can get a few HitOuts.

WHERE TARKYN_24 IS AT:

It is a miracle. It moved. Well, the one on the right moved a fraction. You probably can not tell.

 

[Headless]

Slow progress is progress.

Well done Tarkyn_24 - I'm really proud of your performances.

 

[Hate]

Slow progress is progress.

That sure is a way of looking at things...

Good job, Tarkyn_24. We are all proud of you!

 

[Headless]

Does anybody else think that Headless will be the first to kick 1,000 goals?

 

[serial_thrilla]

SEASON 31, ROUND 03 TARKY_STARS REPORT

​

Dear Readers,

Another week has gone and we have been witness to yet another garbage performance by our good man.

We must say, we are running out of ideas of ways that we can call Tarkyn_24 sh*t. This is our ninth edition. In all honesty, we did not think it would take the self-professed greatest of all time this long to knock over 1,000 goals. All was well at the start of the season when we decided to make an editorial direction change and focus on Tarkyn_24 reaching 1,000 HitOuts instead of goals, but as it turns out, the first 3 rounds of this 31st Sweet F.A Season have proved that he is just as rubbish at getting HitOuts as he is at kicking goals.

So, after a brain storming session we collectively decided that for being a campaigner and not playing Tarkyn_24 at Full Forward we would just rip-off our dear friend, Moderator, fact-checker, and very nice bloke manangatang and his brilliant media threads. We could have wrapped up this thread this week if not for mangers. The Mount Buller Dummies current Full Forward, Proper Gander put on an absolute clinic against opposition Art Vandelay_, kicking 7 goals. Imagine if that was Tarkyn_24. It might have been 70 goals. But no, let's play Tarkyn_24 in a spot is he is even worse in.

Proper Gander's last THREE (3) games:
16 Goals

Tarkyn_24's last SIXTEEN (16) Games:
26 Goals

COME. ON. ******

****** not actually any filtered swearing or NSFW content. The printer is just having some difficulties after it was kicked off the table.

So we present to you, an absolute rip-off of the brilliant thread: manangatang's Diary. Please contact Ned_Flanders to get in touch with his lawyer Rudy if you have any problems with our clear breach of copyright.

HEAD WRITERS DIARY:

Monday 22, 2021

9 AM - We just got new coffee in the office. I really enjoyed it.
11 AM - Stats just arrived, they look good so far. Tigerturbulance got 18 HitOuts. It must have been a good week for the Rucks.
1 PM - Just found out the Mount Buller Demons got a win over the Las Vegas Bears.
1:04 PM - Diary, I write you from the toilet stall. I am so mad and angry right now. I feel so broken. Tarkyn_24 got 4 HitOuts and 0 Goals. Have to go back to other work now, hope they don't notice I have been crying.
2 PM - Just started writing the Round 03 report, struggling for ideas. Oh, diary, what will I write?
3 PM - Just took a stroll around the office grounds. Lovely trees and the lake is looking rather calm. I fed the birds.
4 PM - Almost home time. Have not done much work today, it looks like the report may be a little late. No ideas coming to mind.

Tuesday 23, 2021

9 AM - Been at work an hour. Still no report.
9:30 AM - Why does Tarkyn_24 suck so much? I definitely do not get paid enough for this.
1 PM - Tried to eat lunch, could not keep it down I was so sick after thinking about how poor Tarkyn_24 has been recently.
2 PM - Want to quit... Hate my job writing these reports. Why can he not just be... good? He once was. I have lots of ideas about that. They are all stashed. He has maybe had like one good week. Hope you are having a better day, diary.
3 PM - Have just delegated the report, feel much better now.

I hope you enjoy the pain you are inflicting manangatang and Tarkyn_24 on our team!

TARKY_STARS AWARDED:
(+0)

The committee of one has decided that this (Round 03) performance is worthy of Zero Tarky_Stars.
​

No Headless, we will not be awarding one star per HitOut. Maybe knee cap the opposition for your friend so he can get a few HitOuts.

WHERE TARKYN_24 IS AT:

It is a miracle. It moved. Well, the one on the right moved a fraction. You probably can not tell.

0 Tarkystars? You must have been feeling generous this morning, Hate.

 

[Hate]

0 Tarkystars? You must have been feeling generous this morning, Hate.

It is amazing how breathing exercises can calm one down...

 

[Tarkyn_24]

There is a lot of negativity here but without my four hitouts we probably don’t win that game.

 

[Agent93]

another garbage performance by our good man.

Maybe this is the new normal? Maybe Tarky is not a star and we've been worshipping a false idol and should go back to glorifying YOTC?

 

[Hate]

Maybe this is the new normal? Maybe Tarky is not a star and we've been worshipping a false idol and should go back to glorifying YOTC?

Stop fearmongering!

 

[Grand Uncle Horace]

Does anybody else think that Headless will be the first to kick 1,000 goals?

You would be if I was FB on the Oppo team every week.

 

[Headless]

You would be if I was FB on the Oppo team every week.

Can we arrange?

 

[Grand Uncle Horace]

Can we arrange?

Nope. I am all aboard the Tarky Stars train. In an effort to find some form for Tarks, I reckon Mang and Cadsky / haydo will collude and put Tarks at FF and me at FB when the Dees and Wonders play.

 

[Hate]

SEASON 31, ROUND 04 TARKY_STARS REPORT

​

Dear Readers,


Round 04 saw the Mount Buller Demons pinch a 9-point victory over the Dragons FFC and it was all down to the terrific efforts of your favourite players favourite player, Tarkyn_24. We will get to that a bit later in the thread, but for now there are more pressing matters. We had exactly zero private messages requesting this to be included in this weeks article, but we are at the bottom of the barrel for ideas so we are going to go with it and you will have to put up with it, just like how we have to put up with Tarkyn_24 taking his sweet bloody time.

RESIDENT SHIT-STIRER DISMISSES LEAGUE LEGEND
​

As the new month rolled around, podcast giant Tigerturbulance on Monday, 1, 2021 released his latest effort of Turbo's Torch, with guest and fellow 'Ruck', Barrybran. The podcast, we are told brings in immense revenue and is listened to by many ones of Sweet F.A fans and seen by just Metalcrusher who pays 7 ClarkeMonies for access to the video version of the podcast on The Turbo's Torch Qatreon page. However, you would have needed a good ear to spot the appalling comments made by Tigerturbulance.

Here is the transcription:
Tigerturbulance: Now, Gumbies Ruck. Gumbies Ruuuck. You're a short ass, what are you doing in there?
Barrybran: Mate, I'm not short.
Tigerturbulance: Well, you're not that big either. Well, next to me you're short.
Barrybran: I'm not (got)? 245kg...

It is at this point that Turbo and guest Barrybran begin to speak on their fellow competition in the league.

Barrybran: Yeah the ruck is good. I was quite excited by the names at the start of the season. Um, Antonio BlueVein has dropped out a bit, so. ArdentEagle has been active, although a bit controversial. There is... Test Tickle's back in the Ruck.
Tigeturbulance: JackNah_8's still in there. Ant Bear's in the Ruck. Muddiemoose and Hate. See Hate...
Barrybran: Muddiemoose and Hate.
*Tigerturbulance: Unfortunately for everyone else, Hate really is sublime and the best Ruck to ever play the game.
Barrybran: Yeaaaah.
Tigerturbulance: GreyCrow. GreyCrow, the feathers have fallen out there.
Barrybran: Yep.

At this point Barrybran goes off on some tangent about the All-SFA, but really we just could not be bothered transcribing this part and the time on Turbo's Torch runs out and we have silence for the next ten or so minutes.

You are probably thinking it was a bit cruel of them to not even give our mate Tarkyn_24 a run, just as we thought on first listen. On replay, however, at the 25th minute of the podcast Turbo makes mention of Tarkyn_24 very briefly.

Tigerturbulance:

Tarkyn_24, that's a joke. (?)

Barrybran neglected to even respond to that slight jab at our league legend. Who do these two think they are? For starters, Turbo is sitting bottom of the ladder on 0 wins, 4 losses and Baz plays for the Gumbies FFC. Turbo was touched up and sent out of the Ruck for being horrid in his game against the Coney Island Warriors on the weekend, and Barrybran only managed to get one more HitOut than Tarkyn_24.

You can listen to Turbo's Torch in full here.

Lucky for the fans, we are in for an absolute spectacle this weekend as Tigerturbulance and Tarkyn_24 are set to go... "ONE on ONE with THE UNDERTAKER", per PhenomenalV1! Perhaps the cruel dismissal of the capabilities of Tarkyn_24 by Tigerturbulance on the podcast was just a way to get in to the head of his upcoming opposition before the match thread even began.

This is seriously must watch Qooty. Turbo. Tarkyn. Not much else, but those two are worth the cost of admission (which is free, by the way) alone. Will Tarkyn_24 force an apology out of Tigerturbulance on Sunday? Or will Turbo tell him to get stuffed?

It was a solid performance by his standards on Sunday from Tarkyn_24 as you can see from the table below. Hopefully the start of a decent run of form. He even managed to put one goal on his tally, excellent...

TARKY_STARS AWARDED:

(+3)

The committee of one has decided that this (Round 04) performance is worthy of THREE Tarky_Stars.
​

Good work on helping out your good friend this week, Headless.

WHERE TARKYN_24 IS AT:

It is a miracle. It moved. Well, the one on the right moved a fraction. You probably can not tell.

 

[Tarkyn_24]

It hurts that the “it’s a miracle” comment remains week on week

 

[Hate]

It hurts that the “it’s a miracle” comment remains week on week

When Hate gives you lemons, turn them in to 10 goals.

 

[Tarkyn_24]

When Hate gives you lemons, turn them in to 10 goals.

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