Curly5
Premiership Player
... but here's a bunch of jokes anyway.
"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself and a brilliant conversationalist is one that talks to you about yourself".
Lisa Kirk
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking,
and then I thought, what good would that do?" -Ronnie Shakes
So, the owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
and the clerk goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." and the owner goes "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" and the clerk goes
"Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Some men in a truck drove into a timber yard. One walked into the office and said "We need some two-by-fours. The salesman said "You mean four-by-twos, don't you?" The man said "I'll go
check" and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said "Yeah, I meant four-by-twos."
"All right" said the salesman "How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said "I'd better check". After a while he returned to the office and said "A long time. We gonna build a house."
Grafitti seen in the ladies' toilet at a Sydney art college some years ago ..
"Say it with flowers. Send him a triffid!"
Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. He decides that to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he will cast the roles to the great action heroes of today.
He calls Sly Stallone, Arnie Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play: "Well," says Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I sure would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve no end if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis, "I'll play him."
"Well, I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid!" Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asks, "So who do you wanna be, Arnold?"
So Arnold replies...
..
....
....
"I'll be Bach."
"A Tassie policeman pulls over a pickup truck and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
Education: the path from ****y ignorance to miserable
uncertainty.
---Mark Twain
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the first day, the company foreman asked the first crew team leader how many poles they had put into the ground. he answered 14. "14 eh?' not bad, not bad at all."
Then he asked the second team how many they had managed to put in. "four"came the answer.
"Four?" the foreman exclaimed. "the other team put in 14 and you put in only 4.
"Yes'" replied the leader. "BUT did you see how much they left sticking up out of the ground?"
From Debbie. Unlike Australia, milk is still delivered to your home in many parts of New Zealand. a great tradition.
Real Notes to British Milkmen......
Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I'vebeen carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "What kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a stinking liar."
"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself and a brilliant conversationalist is one that talks to you about yourself".
Lisa Kirk
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking,
and then I thought, what good would that do?" -Ronnie Shakes
So, the owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
and the clerk goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." and the owner goes "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" and the clerk goes
"Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Some men in a truck drove into a timber yard. One walked into the office and said "We need some two-by-fours. The salesman said "You mean four-by-twos, don't you?" The man said "I'll go
check" and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said "Yeah, I meant four-by-twos."
"All right" said the salesman "How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said "I'd better check". After a while he returned to the office and said "A long time. We gonna build a house."
Grafitti seen in the ladies' toilet at a Sydney art college some years ago ..
"Say it with flowers. Send him a triffid!"
Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. He decides that to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he will cast the roles to the great action heroes of today.
He calls Sly Stallone, Arnie Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play: "Well," says Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I sure would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve no end if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis, "I'll play him."
"Well, I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid!" Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asks, "So who do you wanna be, Arnold?"
So Arnold replies...
..
....
....
"I'll be Bach."
"A Tassie policeman pulls over a pickup truck and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
Education: the path from ****y ignorance to miserable
uncertainty.
---Mark Twain
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the first day, the company foreman asked the first crew team leader how many poles they had put into the ground. he answered 14. "14 eh?' not bad, not bad at all."
Then he asked the second team how many they had managed to put in. "four"came the answer.
"Four?" the foreman exclaimed. "the other team put in 14 and you put in only 4.
"Yes'" replied the leader. "BUT did you see how much they left sticking up out of the ground?"
From Debbie. Unlike Australia, milk is still delivered to your home in many parts of New Zealand. a great tradition.
Real Notes to British Milkmen......
Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I'vebeen carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "What kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a stinking liar."
