arupist
Premium Platinum
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work. She just grunted and hung up. I thinks she still regrets letting me name our twins.
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arupist
Premium Platinum
There were two women who were complete strangers. They lived in different cities, they had never met, and had no friends or acquaintances in common. However, they had e-mail addresses that were nearly identical - just off by one letter.
The husband of the first woman (Mrs. Smith) had just left on a business trip to Florida. After Mr. Smith had finished his business, Mrs. Smith was going to take a flight down and meet him a few days later.
The second woman (Mrs. Jones) was still grieving for her husband who had died a week earlier.
Mr. Smith arrives in Florida and checks into his hotel. He gets on his laptop and writes his wife an e-mail to let her know he’s arrived safely. He carelessly mistypes the e-mail address, sending the message to Mrs. Jones.
Mrs. Jones sits at her computer and starts reading her e-mails. Her daughter, in another room, hears her mother scream and runs in to find Mrs. Jones has fainted. Looking at the screen, she sees an open e-mail that reads:
My Darling Wife,
I just arrived here and have settled in. I am eagerly looking forward to your arrival on Wednesday.
Your loving husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here.
The husband of the first woman (Mrs. Smith) had just left on a business trip to Florida. After Mr. Smith had finished his business, Mrs. Smith was going to take a flight down and meet him a few days later.
The second woman (Mrs. Jones) was still grieving for her husband who had died a week earlier.
Mr. Smith arrives in Florida and checks into his hotel. He gets on his laptop and writes his wife an e-mail to let her know he’s arrived safely. He carelessly mistypes the e-mail address, sending the message to Mrs. Jones.
Mrs. Jones sits at her computer and starts reading her e-mails. Her daughter, in another room, hears her mother scream and runs in to find Mrs. Jones has fainted. Looking at the screen, she sees an open e-mail that reads:
My Darling Wife,
I just arrived here and have settled in. I am eagerly looking forward to your arrival on Wednesday.
Your loving husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here.
arupist
Premium Platinum
Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'
arupist
Premium Platinum
My wife is always going on about how painful having a baby is and we men wouldn't have a clue.
Getting a little annoyed, I replied "Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby".
This offended the missus and asked how the hell would I know?
I replied:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
Getting a little annoyed, I replied "Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby".
This offended the missus and asked how the hell would I know?
I replied:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
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phlogiston
Club Legend
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- Hawthorn
A post in the random discussion thread about parrots and bad words made me think of this joke.
A guy buys a parrot, brings it home from the pet shop, and tries to teach it to speak. He starts off with, "Hello, Polly."
The parrot replies, "Oh, f*** off."
The guy is a bit astonished by this, and tries again, "Hello Polly."
The parrot says, "Get f****d. I'm not telling you again."
This goes on for a while, and the guy gets increasingly frustrated with this swearing parrot. He rings the pet shop where he bought it to complain, but the owner of the pet shop says, "Sorry mate, strictly no refunds."
The guy tries a different tack, and says to the parrot, "Look, I just want a parrot that talks politely, Why do you have to be so rude?"
The parrot says, "Oh, shove it up your arse."
Things escalate and after another 20 minutes of this kind of back and forth, the guy grabs the parrot in a rage and opens the freezer door and shoves the parrot in there and shuts the door. The parrot goes absolute nuts, swearing it's head off, and threatening to kill the bloke.
All of a sudden, the parrot goes quiet. After about 30 seconds there's a gentle tapping of the parrot's beak on the inside of the freezer door, and the parrot says, "I'm truly sorry. Can you let me out please?"
The guy is suspicious, but opens the door and the parrot quietly hops out of the freezer. It sits on the kitchen bench and says, "I'd like to formally apologise and can assure you that no swear words or rude attitude will come from my beak again."
The guy is completely nonplussed and says, "OK, apology accepted. Let's move on."
The parrot leans forward and whispers, "Just tell me: what did the chicken do?"
A guy buys a parrot, brings it home from the pet shop, and tries to teach it to speak. He starts off with, "Hello, Polly."
The parrot replies, "Oh, f*** off."
The guy is a bit astonished by this, and tries again, "Hello Polly."
The parrot says, "Get f****d. I'm not telling you again."
This goes on for a while, and the guy gets increasingly frustrated with this swearing parrot. He rings the pet shop where he bought it to complain, but the owner of the pet shop says, "Sorry mate, strictly no refunds."
The guy tries a different tack, and says to the parrot, "Look, I just want a parrot that talks politely, Why do you have to be so rude?"
The parrot says, "Oh, shove it up your arse."
Things escalate and after another 20 minutes of this kind of back and forth, the guy grabs the parrot in a rage and opens the freezer door and shoves the parrot in there and shuts the door. The parrot goes absolute nuts, swearing it's head off, and threatening to kill the bloke.
All of a sudden, the parrot goes quiet. After about 30 seconds there's a gentle tapping of the parrot's beak on the inside of the freezer door, and the parrot says, "I'm truly sorry. Can you let me out please?"
The guy is suspicious, but opens the door and the parrot quietly hops out of the freezer. It sits on the kitchen bench and says, "I'd like to formally apologise and can assure you that no swear words or rude attitude will come from my beak again."
The guy is completely nonplussed and says, "OK, apology accepted. Let's move on."
The parrot leans forward and whispers, "Just tell me: what did the chicken do?"
arupist
Premium Platinum
Hello?”
“Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving either.”
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”
“Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving either.”
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”
arupist
Premium Platinum
A farmer decided his aging rooster was too old to service his growing count of hens. The new rooster pranced around like he was king of the castle and started giving the old rooster a hard time. The old rooster finally conceded the current situation could go on no longer. He approached the young rooster with resignation in his voice and said: "This coop is not big enough for both of us and one of us has to go."
The young rooster eyes sparkled and his feathers ruffled. The old rooster went on to say: "How about we have a race and the winner stays, the loser leaves?"
The young rooster chuckled and eagerly agreed, not thinking for a moment he would lose. Then the old rooster added: "You know, I am pretty old now and I think it is only fair you give me a 5 second start."
The young rooster, in his abundant confidence, nodded.
The old rooster took off as fast as he could manage. Five seconds later the young rooster took off in pursuit and quickly started to make up ground. Moments later, when the young rooster had almost caught up, they rounded the side of the hen house and a loud bang sounded and blew the head off the young rooster.
The farmer lowered his shotgun, shook his head in disgust and lamented : "That is the third gay rooster I have put in there this week."
The young rooster eyes sparkled and his feathers ruffled. The old rooster went on to say: "How about we have a race and the winner stays, the loser leaves?"
The young rooster chuckled and eagerly agreed, not thinking for a moment he would lose. Then the old rooster added: "You know, I am pretty old now and I think it is only fair you give me a 5 second start."
The young rooster, in his abundant confidence, nodded.
The old rooster took off as fast as he could manage. Five seconds later the young rooster took off in pursuit and quickly started to make up ground. Moments later, when the young rooster had almost caught up, they rounded the side of the hen house and a loud bang sounded and blew the head off the young rooster.
The farmer lowered his shotgun, shook his head in disgust and lamented : "That is the third gay rooster I have put in there this week."
arupist
Premium Platinum
A nun was taking a quiet bath when she head a knock on the door. In a panic, she asked "who's there?"
A voice answered "It's the blind man."
Relaxing, the nun responded "OK, I guess you can come in."
The man walks in, glances her way and says "Nice t!ts. Where do you want the blinds?"
A voice answered "It's the blind man."
Relaxing, the nun responded "OK, I guess you can come in."
The man walks in, glances her way and says "Nice t!ts. Where do you want the blinds?"
arupist
Premium Platinum
I went to the doctor for a prostate examination last week. After the examination, the doctor left the room, passing a nurse who was on her way in. The nurse had an odd look on her face, then turned to me and said: "who the hell was that?"