Just jokes ...

[bubblegoose]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,

• Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets
• Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo
• Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three
• Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow
• Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."

"But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[Armitage2Riewoldt]

I lulled.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

That made me giggle.

There are 2 men standing by a cliff. The 1st man runs, jumps of the cliff then soars back onto the cliff next to the 2nd man.
The 2nd man is truly amazed and asks: "My God, how on Earth did you manage to do that?"

The 1st man replies: "Well, the wind from the sea is bringing warm updrafts to the cliff. These are strong enough to support your body, allowing you to float back."

Amazed at the revelation, the 2nd man runs of the cliff and plummets to his death.

A 3rd man then says to the 1st man: "Bloody hell Superman, you really are cruel when your drunk."

kekeke

 

[bubblegoose]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which Human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm Going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, Who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and! Said, 'The Body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the Pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and Continued... 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

 

[Squizz]

The following is from a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Answer :

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

[Squizz]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 40 kg due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed? Yeah right!" he thought to himself.

But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10 kgs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 25 kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge muscular no-neck guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

 

[Squizz]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Sure - the guy who won did. So I gave him back his two dollars.'

Chuck subsequently had a successful career in the banking sector using the same concept (sub-prime mortgages instead of dead donkeys).

 

[Squizz]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. As a final word on nutrition and health :
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

CONCLUSION:

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[HoldenMCaulfield]

A nun, a beautiful lady, a St Kilda supporter and a Collingwood supporter share a compartment during a long train ride.

After a while, they enter into a tunnel without lights. Suddenly they hear a loud 'slap' and once they leave the tunnel, the Collingwood supporter sports a swollen red cheek.

The nun thinks : That Collingwood supporter indecently approached the lady and she gave him the smack that he deserves.

The lady thinks : Stupid Collingwood supporter, tried to make a pass at me, got the nun instead and she hit him, of course.

The Collingwood supporter thinks : That's not fair - that St Kilda supporter touched the lady and then ducked so she got me instead.

The St Kilda supporter thinks : I can't wait for the next tunnel to belt that Collingwood supporter again.

 

[Squizz]

That should be on the StK v Coll Thread

 

[HoldenMCaulfield]

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

 

[CHBench]

couldn't think of anywhere else to put it..clicky.

The BIGGEST bigfooty board meltdown since Geelong choked in the Grand Final.
Loves it. Reality.

*Technically constitues as a joke, because the CFC is a pathetic, rolling joke.

 

[Armitage2Riewoldt]

Lol at least they're accepting it, and not blaming everything under the sun but themselves.

 

[CHBench]

True. Same cant be said about Richmond.
Still fun to watch.

 

[bubblegoose]

http://www.google.com.au/intl/en/gball/

 

[bubblegoose]

This isn't funny, this is actually very sad.

Justice in Melbourne


(AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the centre of an Melbourne courtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Richmond Football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone this year.

 

[geometryofdivinity]

fair dink

the ex missus was driving through paddington this morning , with the young kids in the car ... she was pulling up to one of those t junctions ... looking for access

she's sitting there , waiting for space to move into , and a soft greyish coloured rubber dildo hit the bonnet and bounced onto the windscreen before getting lodged ontop of the passenger side wiperblade arm

everyone jumped and freaked because of the noise , but really it was ok .... just reality shattering

sheli , finally thinking a bit ...and trying to protect the kids innocence , says ... wow , look at that poor insect


and from the back seat , my boy chirps ... yea mum , whats amazing , is that he could fly at all !
... with a cok that big

 

[geometryofdivinity]

ok then .

i see i've endeared myself to the local population with 'that effort'
. lol

alright

this is not so much a joke , but more about 'the australian way'

where are the boundaries ?

be brave young geo ... so here goes ....




One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour
are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, New South Wales, Australia,
was asked on a local live radio talk show,
just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:
'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car
battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger
will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'
'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'

 

[HoldenMCaulfield]

I believe that Australia has the largest camel population in the world ?

 

[geometryofdivinity]

but are we shagging em ?

 

[HoldenMCaulfield]

Ah, I just learned that we have the largest population of feral camels.

We also have the largest population of Collingwood supporters (feral, too, but less teeth, dumber and kissing Stephanie).

Now, I wouldn't shag either.

 

[StFly]

Ah, I just learned that we have the largest population of feral camels.

We also have the largest population of Collingwood supporters (feral, too, but less teeth, dumber and kissing Stephanie).

Now, I wouldn't shag either.

Now now, I'm sure there are individuals like the Kiwis who find camels very attractive, no need to go demeaning them in comparison with the ferals.

 

[geometryofdivinity]

i was just reading the other day , about the quaint habit of leaving a pair of gumboots by the gate to each paddock you drive past over there.

helping u too enjoy the view at the same time i've heard , as you participate in the national sport of Sheep Strangling....or SS by acronym

very friendly place i've heard.

i wonder how sturdy their camel sized wellies are?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwWXhEXZglY

 

[geometryofdivinity]

oh wow
i'm an apprentice already .

what comes next ?

 

[the emergency]

I hear that a Viagra company is planning on becoming Carlton's major sponsor this year...
it is believed it is on account of that it has been an entire year since they told us they were coming.......

aaaand the usual glut of Collingwood jokes that everyones heard by now...

 

[Squizz]

While I'm telling jokes (see junk post thread) :

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels.
​

Her mum was a little worried and said "Susie, you should say "no!" to the boys - they probably only want to look at your knickers".​

Susie said "I know they do - but that's why I hide them in my bag!!!"
​

​