Just jokes ...

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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da" sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I’ll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what’s the use of fookin" one?"
 
"The Handicapper" and KF were on their way home after celebrating their 26th wedding anniversary, "the Handicapper" was thanking her fantastic husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh its not over yet" I replied.

Once back in the house I gave her a little black velvet box, which she opens in anticipation....and finds two little white pills in it.

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin", I reply.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA" I shout in glee.
 

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karmafree said:
"The Handicapper" and KF were on their way home after celebrating their 26th wedding anniversary, "the Handicapper" was thanking her fantastic husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh its not over yet" I replied.

Once back in the house I gave her a little black velvet box, which she opens in anticipation....and finds two little white pills in it.

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin", I reply.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA" I shout in glee.
Click to expand...

Clap clap clap.
 
karmafree said:
"The Handicapper" and KF were on their way home after celebrating their 26th wedding anniversary, "the Handicapper" was thanking her fantastic husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh its not over yet" I replied.

Once back in the house I gave her a little black velvet box, which she opens in anticipation....and finds two little white pills in it.

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin", I reply.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA" I shout in glee.
Click to expand...

Oh very nice stuff brother. I love it.
 
Given that the courts have determined that the word "@#$!" (along with @#%$!&^, *#%^, and @#$%^#&%@#$%) is perfectly acceptable in today's society, I thought this would be OK:



Please do not play this without headphones if you're at work!!!
 
What's the difference between a Melbourne supporter and a St.Kilda supporter?

A Melbourne supporter incites hatred when one of their players gets traded, the St.Kilda supporter just gracefully accepts that they are still in the league.
 
I was at the swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed, he blew his whistle so fking loud, I nearly fell in.
 

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Squizzy1970 said:
Given that the courts have determined that the word "@#$!" (along with @#%$!&^, *#%^, and @#$%^#&%@#$%) is perfectly acceptable in today's society, I thought this would be OK:



Please do not play this without headphones if you're at work!!!
Click to expand...


Did anyone ever find out if this was legit?
 
As SS has deprived itself of my offerings, you guys will have to suffer.

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn't quite know how to do it. He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So for three weeks, he'd load up all the pigs in the truck and take 'em to an isolated location where nobody would see him doing it. After three weeks, none of the pigs were pregnant, so he decided to forget about it for a morning. That morning, his wife happened to look out the window.
"Honey? What are you doing to those pigs?"
"What do you mean?" asked the farmer.
"One's honking the horn, and the others are rocking the back of the truck."
 
A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.
Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven''t heard any complaints."
 
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his
own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with
him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?
Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming... That was me."
 
There was a seminar being held which was all about things to do with the Spiritual World and the after life.
The host speaker walked on the stage and said
" Hello everybody, to get tonight started id like some audience participation . Who here has seen a ghost"?
About half of the crowd raised their arms.
"Very good" said the Speaker.
"Ok lets make it more interesting" he said." Who here has had physical contact with a ghost"?
About 10 people in the crowd raised their hand.
" Fantastic" exclaimed the Speaker. " now lets make it really interesting. Who here has had sex with a ghost"?
One man right up in the back row in the far corner raised his hand.
"Your Sir, right up the back there. Can you come down to the stage please" The speaker asked excitedly.
After he finally reached the stage the Speaker says " Sir, can you please share your experience about sex with a ghost".
The man looked a bit puzzled and said "Ghost? Oh sorry, i thought you said goat".
 
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?"

The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby. The Pakistani man stands up and shouts "What do you think you're doing?!"

And the Englishman said "Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."
 
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank."

Passenger: “Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There’s more He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife
 
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