Lame Jokes Part 2

[Double the Fist]

Poor guy. Very Rough luck.

Certainly no picnic.....



I'll show myself out.

 

[worbod]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The Judge says, "First offender?"
The woman says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

 

[Wallaby]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The Judge says, "First offender?"
The woman says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

Apparently, the fight started when he asked which guitars he needed to complete his collection, and she said 'Less, Paul'.

 

[Gavin Excell]

I'm trying to get a new job in the moisturiser industry, so I'm going to apply daily.

Just on the skin care amd cosmetics industry, did you ever hear what happened to Helena Rubenstein?

Max Factor

 

[GreyCrow]

Apparently, the fight started when he asked which guitars he needed to complete his collection, and she said 'Less, Paul'.

Apparently she was so confused as to which one to use she shrugged her shoulders and said to herself ' Pick one''

 

[wally funk]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The Judge says, "First offender?"
The woman says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

This is one of my favourite jokes

 

[00Stinger]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.

Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said,

"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.

I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,

why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I've just spoken to the collector of the world's largest helium balloons.

I can't speak highly enough of him.

 

[Wallaby]

I didn't catch that last joke - it went way over my head.

 

[DroopStDanny]

First time I made love to my wife she said "Your organ's not exactly big, is it?"

I told her I never expected to be playing it in a friggin cathedral.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

You know what I think of those large concrete blocks in Melbourne's CBD.

They're absolutely bollards.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

If Robin Hood visited Melbourne, would he've stolen from the Richmond and given it to the Poormond?

 

[DroopStDanny]

Just bought a wig on Ebay for $2.
Small price to toupee I reckon.

 

[worbod]

I can't wait to see Monty Python's new film about salty water: The Life of Brine.

 

[GreyCrow]

I can't wait to see Monty Python's new film about salty water: The Life of Brine.

Will it feature the Ministry of Silly Auks?

 

[Wallaby]

I just finished a 20-year study into the lifecycle and habits of the kookaburra.

It's been an enormous amount of work, but there were lots of laughs along the way.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A man goes into Dymocks bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy..."

 

[GreyCrow]

Now that SSM is in Margaret can marry Tina and make it officially Margaret Court Arena

 

[Wallaby]

Sunday morning, in bed, reading the papers with tea & toast, the wife is perusing the sensational tabloids about some mistress/sex scandal. She turns to me and says:
"I hope I never find out you're having an affair."

"Me too." I replied.








I tell you what, the WiFi in intensive care is rubbish........................

 

[worbod]

What happened to the grape when he was stepped on?

He let out a little wine.

 

[Wallaby]

Just been for an eye test and I am absolutely shocked to find out that I am colour blind...

It came completely out of the green.

 

[worbod]

My friend David lost his ID. So now I call him Dav.

 

[worbod]

I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in two years' time. It's not as though I have 2020 vision.

 

[Wallaby]

I've just had a phone call from the Russian bride mail order service. They've run out of Russians but have sent an alternative nationality.

Apparently my Czech is in the post...

 

[Xtreme]

I'm so clumsy............... always dropping a good joke!