Media MATEFLON 3000000000000000000

[JoshWoodenSpoon]

The mighty 'Tef. A paradoxical mosaic of a man somehow full of pomp and self-promotion, and yet equally veiled in mystery. A name only heard in whispers, unless you count the court orders, house raids, coach sprays, 1AM infomertials for DIY pill-presses, international labour tribunals, stolen property auctions, and number 1 hits by mammoth K-Pop bands. Me? I didn't encounter him for my first four months at the Bears except on gameday. Then one morning I saw him in the buff, climbing powerlines out of the third storey of a Vegas mansion with only a sock grit between his teeth. That's just good qooty.


This week in commemoration, we put together some pieces of this beautiful, derranged puzzle.


THE AUTHOR CANNOT CERTIFY TRUTH TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING AND AS SUCH LEGAL AUTHORITIES ARE TO TREAT ALL SUBMISSIONS AS WORKS OF FICTION

Matera92, in a display of unparalleled narcissism, once commissioned a team of artists to sculpt a mountain in his likeness, complete with an intricate system of flowing fountains that mimicked his every gesture. This ostentatious monument became a pilgrimage site for his devout admirers, who believed that gazing upon the Matera shaped mountain would bless them with prosperity and unyielding self confidence.

It turns out that Matera is not only the name of multiple legends who have donned the mighty blue and gold, but is also a beautiful hidden gem of a city in Italy. Born in his namesake Matera, and separated from his twin brother @Art Vandelay_ at birth, @Matera92 moved to the Vegas at a young age with his adopted Blue & Gold family and led a life that shimmered with opulence and charm. A law abiding cop by day, he embraced the city's indulgent lifestyle at night, revelling in the thrill of gambling and other debauchery whilst being Pawly Represented by Barely Legal on the sidelines .

When I think of @Matera92 I think of old-school Vegas. Private jets, penthouses and knifing Jim before my time. More importantly, he taught me everything I needed to know about rigging his namesake BnF award to ensure Gero never wins . He has been the wise head and voice of reason over multiple eras at the Bears. Stalwart and legend are two words that are thrown around lightly but neither does Matera justice . He is truly all-class and like a 300 year old wine that only gets better with age. Congratulations Matera, and here's to 300 more
#Matera4Mobbs

As for Matera, well everyone knows about the sexy fireman calendar shoot but only a few lucky people got to see him, hose in hand. There are times when we wouldn't even know he was a famed qootier such is his league legacy but at least he has his good looks.

Ok so I've known this bloke Matera or @Matera92 or whatever the f*** his name is since I joined the Bears about 7 years back and he's an alright bloke I spose.
Can't really pick a fault with him. Seems to put up with @Art Vandelay_ quite well and not a bad goal kicker too. There was that time he was having a mountain bike race across the golden gate with Art. His bike hit a pothole halfway along and he flipped over the handlebars and ate s**t like a total champ. Art was so busy pissing himself at Materas misfortune that he didn't see a big lorry coming and ended up having to dive over the edge of the GGB and into the drink, bike, clothing and all.
Matera always seems to have the last laugh during challenging moments and is a pretty decent laid back bloke.
Congrats on your 300th mate, and here's to 300 more!

Yours Truly
The Jazmiester

One little known fact about Matera92 is that he is more pompous than the royal family. He had been through multiple butlers due to his demanding nature until he came across the perfect candidate in Art Vandelay_. Art will do anything for Matera92 and frequently does. Matera92 will only have home made bread and freshly squeezed juice, so it's 4am wake up each morning for Art. More ridiculous requests include ironing his shoe laces daily. And lets not mention Matera's insistance on taking his own toilet seat wherever he goes, to be sterilised after every use. Poor Art, you can't make this stuff up!!

Mother*er don't push me, I swear to dog I'll cut you and your mate Teflon.

What can we say about Matera92.

Well he singlehandedly keeps Bearly Legal in business and puts their grandkids through school defending the endless claims for child support for his bastard kids. So many little slack jawed morons running around.

We thank him for his selfless service as mule importing our special product from Colombia. Far too suspiciously good at applying anal lube though.

Fat @tony has nothing on Mateflon when it comes to strong arming and bribing his way to success. For a man bested by me in virtually every SFA position, and he’s presently giving a masterful impression of the worst full forward… Well he certainly has amassed a collection of accolades. Somehow.

Enjoy 300 Matera. Maybe this will be your first good game.

"As every Bears rookie will tell you, when you touch down in Vegas you will be greeted by a handsome chauffeur who will usher you to a Rolls Royce limousine. Upon taking your seat in the back, the chauffeur will hand you an itinerary of the places he will be taking you. It reads as follows

• Interactive tour of the local tent city.

When you arrive at your destination the chauffeur will wind your window down. "See that flog sleeping under the cardboard? Spit on him" he says. Well, when in Rome.

You spit on the unfortunate fellow with great vigour. He turns around to see who has just assaulted his peace and thats when you notice he is wearing a premiership medal. It's clearly coated in the mans own filth but you can make out one word. "Gero".

Strange, but you pay it no mind. That's when the chauffeur tells you to turn the itinerary over. On the back is the qooty CV of a player you have most definitely heard of before. Matera. You've seen this man plastered all over the strip in various advertisements, most of which are related to sex toys, but you appreciate his hustle.

You look up at the chauffeur. He looks back at you and peels off a fake moustache, revealing an even more magnificent, real moustache underneath. That's when you realise, you've been in the presence of a living legend this whole time. He might actually be the closest thing to a God that walks this earthly realm.

You spend the next 5 minutes speechless. By the time you build up the courage to say anything he has parked out the front of a blood bank. "Get out and stock up" he says.

You exit the limo and he peels out. That's the last time Matera will ever speak to you again.

Though the experience was brief, the impact on you is profound and your pockets are filled to the brim with blood bags. You will never find out why he requested you procure them nor will you ever find a buyer for them.

Congratulations Matera.

It was S18 when a young Matera92 stumbled into the league, a fresh faced, doe eyed young man. Beaming with excitement. He marveled at the possibilities the SFA could provide and was already thinking of the legacy he would leave behind. As the seasons wore on he claimed more and more recognition, the adulation of his peers. Some within the bears (specifically art Vanderlay) would call him a campaigner of the highest order for leaving the bears for the east side dorks for 8 games briefly in S26 before slithering back mid season like a snake and should therefore not be recognised as a true 300 game champion.
But most would agree he is one of the greatest the club as ever seen and loved by both masters and servants alike. In RL he is also a high achiever and considers most people to be sub-human.
In conclusion, Matera92 has done it all and has nothing to prove to you plebs.
Congrats Matera92 you are a credit to yourself.

*Please note this letter was published to the opinion page of the Las Vegas Daily under the pseudonym Not_Matera92

My favourite memory of spending time with @Matera92 was on a post-season trip to Canada. For some reason, and I have no idea how this happened, Matera’s Mum ended up going with us. We were at Whistler in the height of summer and it was hot. Like record-breaking hot. Anyways, we were catching gondolas up the mountain and drew straws to see who’d be travelling with Matera and his Mum. I think @Muddiemoose and @tony might have been the unlucky ones, but I can’t really remember. And to be honest I didn’t care. I had about 5 grams of coke and we were hellbent on smashing it all in the other gondola on the trip up the hill. Man, did we have a blast. And seeing the forlorn expression on M92’s face as he looked back at us made it even sweeter. Oh yeah (smiles dreamily)…that’s definitely my favourite M92 memory.

What can I say about Matera? Not much really. My first memory of Matera is when he shut the changeroom door on me as I was being introduced following my signing with the Bears, I distinctly recall being told, we've already got enough w***ers thanks.
One thing about Matera is ou can always rely on words of encouragement during matches and training, he never left any doubt what would happen if you made another mistake.
I do remember being momentarily in Materas good books after slipping in the Urinal and pissing on @Art Vandelay_ , all I could hear through the howls of laughter was, 'at least he doesnt just smell like s**t now', I'll always remember that nod of acknowledgement.
Congrats Matera on the great accomplishment , I promise we will all try to play well !

In the neon-drenched oasis of Las Vegas, where reality often blurs with the surreal, one qooty player's career unfolded like a wild ride through a desert storm. Meet @Matera92, a former professional curler turned extreme poker player turned qooty player, whose story defies all conventional sports narratives.

Matera92's journey began when he stumbled into a curling rink while trying to escape a particularly aggressive Elvis impersonator on the Strip. Little did he know that his uncanny ability to predict the trajectory of a curling stone would lead him to instant fame. Dubbed the "Curling Clairvoyant," Matera92's shots were so eerily precise that he led his team, the "Las Vegas Rock 'n' Curlers," to a series of improbable victories.

But as luck would have it, one fateful night at a celebrity poker tournament, Matera92 found himself inadvertently bluffing his way into a pot worth more than the GDP of a small country. His curling clairvoyance seemed to extend to the cards, as he rode a wave of improbable hands to victory. In a shocking twist, he left the curling world behind to become a professional poker player.

Embracing his new persona as "Lucky Strike," Matera92's poker prowess knew no bounds. He developed a reputation for making outrageous bets that somehow panned out every time. Ruour had it that his lucky streak was so potent, casinos in Vegas started insurance policies against his wins. He became the darling of the high-stakes scene, with spectators and fellow players alike watching in awe as he pulled royal flushes seemingly out of thin air.

Matera92's fame reached its peak when he faced off against a supercomputer in a high-stakes game of Texas Hold'em. The world held its breath as he coolly outbluffed the machine, reading its digital "tells" and leaving the computer algorithms in a virtual tailspin. The event was dubbed "The Digital Showdown" and became an international sensation, cementing Matera92's place in the annals of Las Vegas lore.

However, Matera92's career was not without its share of absurd controversies. He once wagered his prized curling broom – a sentimental relic from his earlier life – in a poker game and ended up winning a vintage Cadillac filled with gold coins instead. He used the coins to build a mini-curling rink in the back of the Cadillac, where he would practice his shots between poker hands.

As his fame grew, so did the myths surrounding him. Whispers spread that he was part leprechaun, part mathematical genius, and part mirage that only appeared when the desert moon was full. Matera "Lucky Strike" 92's career in Las Vegas remained an enigmatic blend of skill, luck, and sheer audacity, forever etching his name into the city's extravagant tapestry.

None of this has anything to do with his qooty career, which has now spanned 299 games, a premiership and an eternal feud wth @Art Vandelay_. I just thought it was a cool story.

Flog, ball hog, notoriously extravagant tipper but always gone by the time the bill actually arrives.

Always has been, always will be... Kissed on the Dick by the Sim.

Debuted at CHF in S18 kicking 1 goal 7, picked up 38 ineffective disposals in another game and carried to a flag by Ding, Gero and the rest of the dead Mexican domestic help disposal unit that was the Valhalla Bears in S23.

Pantskyle is still my captain... Quiv my FF and Brahj my ruckman...

But at least he's not Demon Jim - so congrats on that big fella...

Oh and the 300 games... mighty achievement by a legend of the club

Matera92, what can I say? The dynamic duo and part of the best wing pair the Bears (and possibly the SFA?) have ever seen

The man who accounts for 99% of Columbia's GDP, and most of his legendary off field exploits have been redacted due to NDA's.

Above all though has been amazing team mate for those lucky enough to pull on the same jumper as him, and has very much been the heart and soul of this club (even though he sold his many years ago).

Congrats to Matera92 on joining the 300 club

Ahh Matera91? 92? 93? who knows?
Here's a story I remember fondly of Matera.
There was one time when old mate and I went to Thailand for an end-of-season trip. This was after Brahj and I went there for the week after we were both suspended. I blame everyone but myself for that.
He was young, exuberant and wide-eyed at all the sights there was to see.
Our first stop was at a ping pong tournament. It wasn't quite what he expected but I think to this day he treasures that catch he took when a pingpong ball went awry.
I think this was also the place where he developed a bit of hate for me.
We went to the local "fun" house where I hooked him up with 3 lovely girls? They weren't quite what he was looking for but still had a great time. He however had a sour look when he came out from his room.

Moving onto the last year I was captain at the Bears (* knows how long ago that was) he saw his chance, with brahj's interest waning and my awesome captaining ability declining ever so slightly, that he and Dingster would take a knife and try to paralyze me from the waist down. It was a close call however I sidestepped at the last second, by announcing I was stepping down as captain, and avoided a knife right into my spine. He and dingster would be co-captains for the next year. We won a flag, and then I moved on to better things.

Congrats on the 300 you backstabbing bitch. May you never get near 400.
Love Jim.

Wow crazy to think it's 300 games for the big dog Matera92, did I bring him into this league? If so I am sorry. If I didn't who cares. I have nothing but fond memories of M92, we've always gotten along and were certainly closer back in the day, I've said before those early Vegas days were all time best fun. I'd love to have some wild crazy stories to share but any would be old school Boys Club with memories better off dead. I can reveal one thing, Matera is in fact half horse, but it's weirdly done, one arm, a leg, two hooves, one breast and the back of the neck. Have a big one bud, enjoy the e-coke, e-hookers and e-stds, stay blessed.

Matera, Matera...Matera, where do I begin.

Young and naive, impressed by his tales of 5 goals from the wing (later discovered it was 1 goal in 5 games from the prime sim positions he gave himself every match), I was seduced into the SFA by his promises that "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"

Hard work, hard partying and success were his recruitment catch cries. We haven't tasted much success but "Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad". Whenever I get down about how long it has been since our SFA premiership, he's always quick to try and pick me up and remind me "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are". Completely arse about face but you have to admire the sentiment.

Sure, we've had our ups and downs, like the time I caught him bed with my wife but with a cheeky grin he told me "I'm Gonna Love Her for Both of Us", so you can only stay so mad at the fella. He even suggested I could jump in with them but "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)".

When the great man eventually retires, I'm expecting there will be "Not a Dry Eye in the House"

Congrats on 300 epic SFA games Meatloaf92! It's been an honour.

The line "the man, the myth, the legend" may seem cliché to some but when it comes to @Matera92 they almost seem hollow. When you are a rookie he is the guy who will take you under your wing and show you the ropes. As a more senior player he will help guide you to not only on-field success, but off-field success. As a member of the leadership group he is an outstanding resource to fall back on.

He has the strength of 1,000 ox. The charisma of 1,000 musicians. The body of a Greek God. The mind of a poet. The soul of a ginger.

This testimonial was paid for by M92 Incorporated.

It's time the truth came out. I've held this secret for far too long and just like the truth about JFK was locked away, a few chosen ones have had to carry this burden. @kane249 @Magruder and I helped cover it up and we accept any punishments for our role in this #scandal.

@Art Vandelay_ is the love child of @Matera92. Happy 300th mateflon.

 

[Gralin]

congrats on the milestone Matera92

 

[Millky95]

Easily the sexiest of all the Bears

This post was paid for by M92 Incorporated.

 

[Tandy]

Bloody hilarious

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Magruder is my spirit animal. Perfect summation

 

[MWPP]

My first interaction with Matera92 was on the eagles board years ago when he asked why I felt much better about playing Freo than Hawthorn in the 2015 finals series…

Both our footy and qooty teams have been through a lot of changes over that time

But Matera92 has been a constant

Congratulations

A special thank you JoshWoodenSpoon for putting together this excellent compilation. Some of these look like they were written by Grand Uncle Horace . And I thought I was bad enough for going from 1 paragraph to 2 haha

 

[JoshWoodenSpoon]

My first interaction with Matera92 was on the eagles board years ago when he asked why I felt much better about playing Freo than Hawthorn in the 2015 finals series…

Both our footy and qooty teams have been through a lot of changes over that time

But Matera92 has been a constant

Congratulations

A special thank you JoshWoodenSpoon for putting together this excellent compilation. Some of these look like they were written by Grand Uncle Horace . And I thought I was bad enough for going from 1 paragraph to 2 haha

Ups to sizeable tony for the images!

 

[Tonga Bob]

Congratulations Wally, you were always my favourite Matera.

 

[Matera92]

I appreciate the restraint and the downplaying of my impact on you all that's been shown.

I've always been a humble sort who's forever shunned the spotlight so it's nice to bask in a sliver of that adulation once in a while.

A very Heartfelt thanks to all who contributed.






































PS.


























Eat a bag of dicks Art Vandelay_ .

 

[Cap]

Well done Matera92 , legend of the Bears

 

[Test Tickle]

Easily the sexiest of all the Bears

This post was paid for by M92 Incorporated.

What am I bitch, chopped liver?

 

[Millky95]

What am I bitch, chopped liver?

Hey I just took the sponsorship

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Not enough is being made of this nugget.

'Debuted at CHF in S18 kicking 1 goal 7'.

Started as a talentless chump and 298 games later has not improved at all.

 

[Chat Pile]

Some of these look like they were written by @Grand Uncle Horace . And I thought I was bad enough for going from 1 paragraph to 2 haha

Yeah the Gumbies that contributed definitely had a bit of GUH in us.

That sounds bad.

 

[Braklet]

Congrats on your big thing, Matera92!

Oh, and on whatever milestone this is, wasn't clear from the OP.

 

[guero]

300 games! Congratulations amigo, incredible effort. I’m reluctant to use the superstar label. So I won’t.

 

[Dingster]

Mark the date - June 5 2016. In the newly formed Bears LG brahj out of nowhere unleashed Mateflon into a position of power onto the Sweet universe when he posted "So, Matera... Wanna be Co-Captain?"

Matera92 was very humble...



Thankfully kane249 put Mateflon back in his place - "So how does Matera92 get 45 touches and break a record, yet doesn't get any votes in the Mobbs medal for that game?" I think kayno new what he was doing there.

Grats on making 300. That you made it is a direct reflection on the quality of Bearly Legal.

 

[Matera92]

Mark the date - June 5 2016. In the newly formed Bears LG brahj out of nowhere unleashed Mateflon into a position of power onto the Sweet universe when he posted "So, Matera... Wanna be Co-Captain?"

Matera92 was very humble...

View attachment 1792123

Thankfully kane249 put Mateflon back in his place - "So how does Matera92 get 45 touches and break a record, yet doesn't get any votes in the Mobbs medal for that game?" I think kayno new what he was doing there.

Grats on making 300. That you made it is a direct reflection on the quality of Bearly Legal.

The trick is that by staying forever substance affected, I can never be considered legally competent and therefore not accountable for my actions.

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Dearest Teffy,

Your inspiration here.
That disagree, turn that sumbitch sideways cos I am about to shove it up your ass.

Regards,
Vegas’ preeminent forward.

 

[Matera92]

Dearest Teffy,

Your inspiration here.
That disagree, turn that sumbitch sideways cos I am about to shove it up your ass.

Regards,
Vegas’ preeminent forward.

To whom it may concern,

Ive kicked more goals than you with less time as a forward.

Also, you smell bad.

Absolutely no regard,

The Greatest One.

 

[Art Vandelay_]

To whom it may concern,

Ive kicked more goals than you with less time as a forward.

Also, you smell bad.

Absolutely no regard,

The Greatest One.

 

[Matera92]

Look it up.

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Look it up.

And just how much time as a forward you think I have flognuts?

1 year at FF and the 2-3 seasons as your better FP. That’s it.

 

[Wosh]

Lucky I posted in the badges thread hey Matera92 !

Congrats on the 300, you’re in the big time now and I can’t wait to dub thee Sir Mat on Sunday

 

[Matera92]

And just how much time as a forward you think I have flognuts?

1 year at FF and the 2-3 seasons as your better FP. That’s it.

You make a lot of noise for very little value.