- Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone!
- A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
- A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said, 'I haven't seen you in a long time'.
The man replied, 'I know, I've been ill'.
So, little Johnny Howard goes into a doctor's surgery one day.
And he's got this frog on his head... a regular, garden-variety green tree frog.
The doctor, quite taken aback by this, says "So what appears to be the problem?"
And the frog says: "Oh I dunno, I just woke up this morning and found this great big lump on my arse!"
Two fat guys are sitting at the bar in a pub, and one says to the other: "Your round". The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
- If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days....
None of these are even mildly funny