None of these are even mildly funny
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- Thread starter Damp Squarie
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None of these are even mildly funny
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- #277
Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my **** on the curtains and she still screaming."
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my **** on the curtains and she still screaming."
Wonaeamirri33
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'Tis strange that you seem to be singling EVERY ONE of my postings on this thread out, whilst failing to actually come up with anything humorous yourself, amigo.
No doubt I should expect the same such sniping next time- much easier than actually coming up with a real contribution of your own...
- Dec 21, 2005
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I don't think they are bad jokes but I wouldn't say pearlers. Would definetely be right at home in the Lame Jokes thread.
I didn't mind the man walking into the doctor and two guys sitting at the bar. I still don't get the frog joke
EDIT: Just got the frog joke. Wasn't missing much.
'Tis strange that you seem to be singling EVERY ONE of my postings on this thread out, whilst failing to actually come up with anything humorous yourself, amigo.
No doubt I should expect the same such sniping next time- much easier than actually coming up with a real contribution of your own...
That was my first post in this thread about your ridiculously crap jokes. Hardly pearlers, hell they are nearly too lame for the lame jokes thread! Stick to bay 13 champ.
Wonaeamirri33
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Dear me... the troll runs deep in you by the look of things
Why not come up with something yourself instead of running others down?
Trying to be an "enforcer" for the joke board, now that's what I call lame...
Why not come up with something yourself instead of running others down?
Trying to be an "enforcer" for the joke board, now that's what I call lame...
Murphy2Judd
Senior List
For your sake, shut the **** up.Dear me... the troll runs deep in you by the look of things
Why not come up with something yourself instead of running others down?
Trying to be an "enforcer" for the joke board, now that's what I call lame...
Wonaeamirri33
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Is it just my imagination, or was the purpose of this thread to come up with jokes of some type?
PS- Yes, obviously it specifies a certain level of joke, but - also just as obviously - none of these potshots at me seem to fall into that category.
Looking forward to seeing what connoisseurs such as Lionheart might produce...
PPS- NOTHING produced yet, it would seem! Would think that with him being far more capable in this area than I am, he'd have some real corkers in the locker there...
PS- Yes, obviously it specifies a certain level of joke, but - also just as obviously - none of these potshots at me seem to fall into that category.
Looking forward to seeing what connoisseurs such as Lionheart might produce...
PPS- NOTHING produced yet, it would seem! Would think that with him being far more capable in this area than I am, he'd have some real corkers in the locker there...
- Sep 28, 2007
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Is it just my imagination, or was the purpose of this thread to come up with jokes of some type?
thread title would suggest something a little more specific than just a joke of some type.
since you are just cutting and pasting old jokes, perhaps choose some that are funny to read.
yours really do rely on being told by a funny person with good timing. in written form from you, they just dont do anything.
It seems I am not the only one who thinks this.
Apology accepted.
Apology accepted.
Ochre
Stop the Steal!
that means he still has posted the same number of pearlers as you
Wonaeamirri33
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s**t Coxy, that's the funniest post I've seen on this thread so far... what pearl of humour will you come up with next
PS- Please, someone post an actual joke here so the thread can go back onto its original track...
- Sep 28, 2007
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A man was sick and tired of living in the city so he moved to the most remote area he could find, which happened to be in Alaska. There wasn’t a town within 200kms and his nearest neighbour was about 100kms away. He loved the solitude and for 6 months only saw people when he made his trips into town for supplies. One day he got a knock on his door, and when he answered, he found his “neighbour”.
“Howdy” his neighbour said. “Just thought I’d pop by to invite you to a party I’m having next weekend”.
The guy thought about it and decided that it was probably about time he did socialise again so he accepted the invitation.
“I should warn you though,” says his neighbour, “there will be a lot of drinking there.”
“That’s fine with me. I’ve had a fair few drinks in my time.”
The neighbour replies “Well there will probably be a fair bit of fighting too”
The first guy thinks to himself that although he isn’t really a fighter, he can look after himself, so he says he is still in.
“Oh, 1 more thing” the neighbour continues “there will be a lot of wild sex too.”
Now the first guy starts thinking that it has been a while since he had any company, so he wouldn’t stay away from the party just for that reason.
“Just before you go, is there a dress standard or theme I should know about?” The first guy asks.
“Don’t matter much what you wear,” his neighbour replies “it’s only going to be you and me there.”
“Howdy” his neighbour said. “Just thought I’d pop by to invite you to a party I’m having next weekend”.
The guy thought about it and decided that it was probably about time he did socialise again so he accepted the invitation.
“I should warn you though,” says his neighbour, “there will be a lot of drinking there.”
“That’s fine with me. I’ve had a fair few drinks in my time.”
The neighbour replies “Well there will probably be a fair bit of fighting too”
The first guy thinks to himself that although he isn’t really a fighter, he can look after himself, so he says he is still in.
“Oh, 1 more thing” the neighbour continues “there will be a lot of wild sex too.”
Now the first guy starts thinking that it has been a while since he had any company, so he wouldn’t stay away from the party just for that reason.
“Just before you go, is there a dress standard or theme I should know about?” The first guy asks.
“Don’t matter much what you wear,” his neighbour replies “it’s only going to be you and me there.”
A man is doing 160km/h down the Calder Freeway when he notices flashing blue lights from behind and a copper signalling him to pull over.
The man pulls over and the copper says " if you can give me a bloody good excuse for travelling that fast , then I'll let you go".
The man says to the copper"Well my wife left me last week"
The copper says "You call that a good excuse?"
The man then says 'Well she left me for a policeman and I thought he was bringing her back !"
The man pulls over and the copper says " if you can give me a bloody good excuse for travelling that fast , then I'll let you go".
The man says to the copper"Well my wife left me last week"
The copper says "You call that a good excuse?"
The man then says 'Well she left me for a policeman and I thought he was bringing her back !"
A half jewish / half sicillian boy goes to his mum and says mum am i mostly sicillian or mostly jewish , the mother replies your my son and thats all that counts , why do you ask . The boy says theres a boy down the road selling his bike for $50 , now i dont no whether to go haggle like a good jewish boy , or stab the c*nt and take it .
I was in the airport the other day , and my mate started sniffing the air. " I said whats up with you " . He said "i can smell c*nt ". " I said its me i've just paid $15 for a cup of coffee and a cheese roll "
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused . The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench . Two of the black men had black ****'s , the one seated in the middle had a pink **** . The curator of the gallery realised the confused couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assistance . he went on and on for nearly half an hour , explaining it depicted the sexual emasculations of African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society , in fact he pointed out , some serious critics believe that the pink **** reflects the cutural and social oppression expressed by homosexual men in a contemporary society . After the curator left a scotsman approached the couple and said=
"would you like to know what that painting is really about "??
The couple said "how would you claim to know more about that painting than the curator of the gallery"
"Because i'm the guy that painted it" he replied "in fact there's no African-American representation at all . Their just 3 scottish coal-miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch .
"would you like to know what that painting is really about "??
The couple said "how would you claim to know more about that painting than the curator of the gallery"
"Because i'm the guy that painted it" he replied "in fact there's no African-American representation at all . Their just 3 scottish coal-miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch .
It was time for father john's saturday night bath and the young nun , sister magdelene ,had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed .
Sister magdalene was also instructed notto look at father john's nakedness if she could help it , do whatever he told her to do and pray .
The next morning the old nun asked sister magdalene how the saturday night bath had gone .
"Oh sister" said the young nun dreamily "ive been saved"
"Saved ?? and how did that come about ??" asked the old nun
"Well when father john was in the tub , he asked me to wash him , and while i was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the lord keeps the key to heaven."
"Did he now ??" said the old nun evenly .
Sister magdalene continued , "And father john said that if the key to heaven fit my lock , the portals of heaven would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then father john guided his key to heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact ." Said the old nun even more evenly
"At first it hurt terribly , but father john said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of god would soon swell my heart with ecstasy . And it did , it felt so good being saved "
" The wicked old sod," said the old nun . "He told me it was Gabriel's horn , and i've been blowing it for forty years "!!!!!!
Sister magdalene was also instructed notto look at father john's nakedness if she could help it , do whatever he told her to do and pray .
The next morning the old nun asked sister magdalene how the saturday night bath had gone .
"Oh sister" said the young nun dreamily "ive been saved"
"Saved ?? and how did that come about ??" asked the old nun
"Well when father john was in the tub , he asked me to wash him , and while i was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the lord keeps the key to heaven."
"Did he now ??" said the old nun evenly .
Sister magdalene continued , "And father john said that if the key to heaven fit my lock , the portals of heaven would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then father john guided his key to heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact ." Said the old nun even more evenly
"At first it hurt terribly , but father john said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of god would soon swell my heart with ecstasy . And it did , it felt so good being saved "
" The wicked old sod," said the old nun . "He told me it was Gabriel's horn , and i've been blowing it for forty years "!!!!!!
Little boy says to his mum "whats that ?", while his mum is sitting in the bath , she realises he is pointing in between her legs = so she says "thats where daddy hit me with an axe" . The little boy said "f*ck me he's hit you right in the c*nt"
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s**t.'
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- #297
Lame Pearler
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.' How are
you grandpa?' he asks.
'Feeling fine,' says the old man.
'What's the food like?'
'Terrific, wonderful menus.'
'And the nursing?'
'Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you.'
'What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?'
'No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock
they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet . And that's
it. I go out like a light.'
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes
off to question the nurse in charge.
'What are you people doing?' he says. 'I am told you are giving an
85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?'
'Oh, yes,' replied the nurse. 'Every night at 10 o'clock we give him
a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling
out of bed.'
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.' How are
you grandpa?' he asks.
'Feeling fine,' says the old man.
'What's the food like?'
'Terrific, wonderful menus.'
'And the nursing?'
'Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you.'
'What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?'
'No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock
they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet . And that's
it. I go out like a light.'
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes
off to question the nurse in charge.
'What are you people doing?' he says. 'I am told you are giving an
85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?'
'Oh, yes,' replied the nurse. 'Every night at 10 o'clock we give him
a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling
out of bed.'
There was an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Scotsman and a Cuban, all were out in the ocean, in a boat, fishing.
After about an hour of catching nothing the Cuban opened his bag, pulled out a massive Cuban cigar, lit it, took one drag, then threw it overboard, all the others looked in disbelief and asked, “why would you do that, they are worth a fortune”?
The Cuban replies, “where I come from there are millions of them”.
Another hour goes by, the Scotsman opens his bag, he pulls out a bottle of pure Scotch whiskey, opens the bottle, takes a sip, then throws the bottle overboard. “What did you do that for, they are worth a fortune” the others gasp.
“Where I come from, there are millions of them” replies the Scotsman.
An hour later the Aussie stood up and threw the Kiwi overboard.
After about an hour of catching nothing the Cuban opened his bag, pulled out a massive Cuban cigar, lit it, took one drag, then threw it overboard, all the others looked in disbelief and asked, “why would you do that, they are worth a fortune”?
The Cuban replies, “where I come from there are millions of them”.
Another hour goes by, the Scotsman opens his bag, he pulls out a bottle of pure Scotch whiskey, opens the bottle, takes a sip, then throws the bottle overboard. “What did you do that for, they are worth a fortune” the others gasp.
“Where I come from, there are millions of them” replies the Scotsman.
An hour later the Aussie stood up and threw the Kiwi overboard.
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- #299
Two mates Rick and Ned playing golf teed off, Ned went in the bush on the left, Rick in the bush on the right.
Ned found his ball in a field of butter-cups and hacked away to get his ball out when a female ghostly apparition appeared in front of him. She said she was mother nature and was appalled at the damage Ned had done and told him she was so mad that he would never again be allowed to have butter in any form in his life.
Before Ned could say anything she was gone. He was now very unhappy about this harsh judgement as he loved his butter on toast and bread.
He yelled out to Rick and asked him where he was.
Rick said, "I'm over here in the pussy-willows".
Ned said "Whatever you do Rick, do not swing your club".
Ned found his ball in a field of butter-cups and hacked away to get his ball out when a female ghostly apparition appeared in front of him. She said she was mother nature and was appalled at the damage Ned had done and told him she was so mad that he would never again be allowed to have butter in any form in his life.
Before Ned could say anything she was gone. He was now very unhappy about this harsh judgement as he loved his butter on toast and bread.
He yelled out to Rick and asked him where he was.
Rick said, "I'm over here in the pussy-willows".
Ned said "Whatever you do Rick, do not swing your club".
Football Pope
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- Sep 24, 2009
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A young couple decided to substitute the word sex for the words washing machine.
One day the Husband arrives home and says to the good wife...."I've had an absolute prick of a day, couldn't concentrate on my work.. My mind was clearly on putting the washing machine in different positions.. How about we go upstairs and give the old washing machine a good working over?."
The wife replied; "Not tonight Josephine, I've had a splitting headache all day..I'm off to bed to sleep it off."
Several hours later the wife wakes up and sees the husband getting ready for bed...She says to the Husband;
"Oh darling, I've just had the worst nightmares of all time I need comforting do you still feel like a bit of washing machine."
The husband says..."Well actually no dear, it was only a small load so I did it by hand!";
One day the Husband arrives home and says to the good wife...."I've had an absolute prick of a day, couldn't concentrate on my work.. My mind was clearly on putting the washing machine in different positions.. How about we go upstairs and give the old washing machine a good working over?."
The wife replied; "Not tonight Josephine, I've had a splitting headache all day..I'm off to bed to sleep it off."
Several hours later the wife wakes up and sees the husband getting ready for bed...She says to the Husband;
"Oh darling, I've just had the worst nightmares of all time I need comforting do you still feel like a bit of washing machine."
The husband says..."Well actually no dear, it was only a small load so I did it by hand!";
