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Fred and Harry, two very elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch people walking their dogs and discuss current events and world problems. One day Harry didn't show up.

Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Harry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried, but since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Harry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, Fred thought the worst and figured he had seen the last of Harry, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold! --there sat Harry!

Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Harry, where have you been, what in hell happened to you?"

Harry replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail???" cried Fred. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Harry said, "you know Sally, that cute little red-headed waitress at the coffee shop where I go for lunch sometimes?"

"Yeah," said Fred, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and I was arrested;" Harry replied, "and, at 92 years of age, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty!"

“And you were sent to jail” exclaimed Fred.

Harry slowly shook his head and said, "The bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
 
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No, I guess not ..... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."
 

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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In Uni I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I’m looking for a girl with big ****
 
Woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having hearing problems.

The vet says "Its because it has so much hair in it's ears. Once a month, get some Nair and spread it in it's ears, it'll keep the hair growth down."

Sure enough the woman goes to the pharmacy to get some Nair, and whilst she's trying to find it the assistant comes over and helps her.

"Here you go madam, it's here. And remember, if you are using it on your legs don't wear tights for a couple of days as it can bond them to your skin"

"Oh no" says the woman, "I'm not using it on my legs."

"I see," says the assistant "in that case don't use your deodorant for a few days as it can irritate your under arms"

The woman glares at the assistant with a weary look and says "If you must know, it's for my Schnauzer"

Ahh the assistant says "In that case don't ride a bike for a week"
 
Werewolf: Knock, knock.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Who’s there?
Werewolf: Ahh.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Ahh who?
Werewolf:
:notes:
Werewolves of London!
:notes:
 
Wallaby said:
Werewolf: Knock, knock.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Who’s there?
Werewolf: Ahh.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Ahh who?
Werewolf:
:notes:
Werewolves of London!
:notes:
Click to expand...

Did you know that the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only a whim away, a whim away.
 
I was down in Ballan in the country doing some housminding. The neighbour who lived 200m away came over and said he was having a party on Saturday, and asked if I wanted to come.
I said yeah what sort of party is it?
He said ,you know a bit a drinking, a bit of fornicating and a bit of fighting.
I said ok ,what time shall I get there?
He said anytime is good, it's just the two of us.
 
Guy gets 3 wishes from a genie. Genie warns him that his worst enemy would receive double what he got. Guy agrees.

Guy wishes for a billion dollars. Genie says granted, but your worst enemy now has 2 billion dollars.

Guy wishes for contact details of 12 hot girls who will be at his sexual desire. Genie says granted, but your enemy now has 24 hot girls.

Guy thinks desperately hard for a while and eventually starts grinning.
Then tells genie,
Make one of my testicles disappear.
 
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him.
First one said "You ever had a hug?"
He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on.
The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?"
He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on.
Third said "You ever been fu@ked?"
He said "No" as his eyes lit up... she said "You will be soon the tides coming in."
 

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Concussion test said:
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him.
First one said "You ever had a hug?"
He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on.
The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?"
He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on.
Third said "You ever been fu@ked?"
He said "No" as his eyes lit up... she said "You will be soon the tides coming in."
Click to expand...
Was his name Bob?
 
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Boat club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all astonished.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
 
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

"But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
 
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