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Really Bad Jokes

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Bulldog1954

Bulldog1954

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What do you call cheese thats jnot yours? Nacho cheese

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the p iss out of the undies

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him
 
Bulldog1954 said:
What do you call cheese thats jnot yours? Nacho cheese

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the p iss out of the undies

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him
Click to expand...

lol - no really i did - especially the undies one - i love jokes about undies - undies are already funny even before you do a joke about them
 
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

And of course, a favourite from my childhood (a few yonks ago):
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw Mr Green Pea over the fence.

No doubt many have heard some of these. I have more - want me to post?
 

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Ok, if you insist. ;)

Coon Dog, I have a similar one to yours:

Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.


A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.


Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


Two elephants walk off a cliff...
boom, boom!


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think it’s Colin.


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.


Two aerials meet on a rooftop – fall in love – get married.
The ceremony was crap but the Reception was brilliant.


A man walked into the doctor’s, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places."
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."


Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
 
Is there something wrong with me? I'm sitting here dying with laughter. :D :D :D
 
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexic Association.

Surprising how many people don't get that.


Q. What does Jack the Ripper have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
A. The same middle name.


Q. Why do elephants have big ears?
A. Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

As I walked into my local pub I stood in a pile of a dog poo & fell over. About a minute later a bloke walked in & also stood in the dog poo & fell over. I approached him & said, 'I just did that' & he belted me!
 
A long one, but stick with me, it's a good one.

Johnny & Mary are playing in the sandpit at school when Sammy approaches & asks to play. Johnny & Mary tell Sammy to pi$$ of he's black & they don't want to play with a black kid.

The teacher sees Johnny smiling after lunch & asks why he's so happy, Johnny replies, 'Well Miss. at lunchtime me & Mary played in the sandpit & we built sand castles & it was fun.' The teacher says that's a lovely story & if Johnny can spell sand he can go home early. Johnny stands & says s-a-n-d. The teacher says, 'Very good Johnny, see you tomorrow.'

She then sees Mary smiling & why she's so happy, Mary replies, 'Well Miss. at lunchtime me & Johnny played in the sandpit & we built sand castles & it was fun.' The teacher says that's a lovely story & if Mary can spell pit she can go home early. Mary stands & says p-i-t. The teacher says, 'Very good Mary, see you tomorrow.'

Then she sees Sammy crying his eyes out & asks what the matter is. Sammy blubbered, 'Well Miss. at lunchtime Johnny & Mary were playing in the sandpit & they were building sand castles. It looked like so much fun but they wouldn't let me play with them coz' I'm black.'

The teacher was taken aback & said to Sammy, 'That sounds like racial prejudice to me Sammy, & if you can spell that you can go home early.'
 
This one should actually be in a thread called "Really good jokes" because it is my favourite and I tell it all the time.

A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says "Do you have any grapes?". The bartenders says "No, sorry, we dont have any grapes" and the duck walks out.

The next day the duck walks into the bar again, walks up to the bartender and says "Do you have any grapes?". The bartenders says "No, sorry - we still dont have any grapes!" and the duck walks out.

On the third day the duck walks into the bar again, walks up to the bartender and says "Do you have any grapes?". The bartender is getting annoyed now, and says "No, we dont, we dont have any grapes! Stop coming in here asking if we have grapes". The duck walks out.

The next day the duck walks into the bar again, walks up to the bartender again and says "Do you have any grapes?". The bartender is furious, says "Right, thats it. We dont have any grapes and if you come in here again I am going to nail your feet to the floor do you understand?" The duck walks out.

The next day the duck walks into the bar again! Walks right up to the bartender and says "Do you have any nails?" Confused, the bartenders says "No". The duck says "Do you have any grapes?".
 
A bloke is driving around and picks a prostitue in his panel van. They go to a secluded spot and have sex which in his opinion is the worst sex he has ever had. The prostitute tells him that it will cost him $200 for what just happened. The bloke tells her that he's not paying and she gets angry. She jumps out the car and rips off the antanae from the hood and jumps back into the back of the car. She pulls his pants back down and starts flogging his manhood with the antanae. When she is finished she takes her money out of his wallet and leaves him lying in agony. A week later he goes to the doctor and shows him what has happened and the doctor tells him that it is the worst case of van aerial desease he has ever seen.
 

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One looks at the other and says "dam!"
 
Couple of shockers to start off with

What do you call a camel with no humps - Humphrey

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

Must admit though that one of my favourites is the old "Buffalo Theory"

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers. For some reason though, my Mrs doesn't see the logic?
 
Most of these are quite good.

A few to warm you up.

What do you call a Zoo with no animals? A sh*tzu

Why did a blonde bring a ladder with her to a bar? Because she was told that "drinks are on the house"

Here's a few you can try at home tonight. The more you make it sound like a real story and not a joke, the more effective they are.

1.

You: You don't happen to have today's newspaper do you?
Them: They answer yes or no, and might also ask why.
You: I've been wondering what today's main story in the paper will be. Whether it is still the Ben Cousins story, or the disaster in the Burnley Tunnel. Or even about the actress who was murdered.
Them: Which actress was murdered?
You: You know, that chick from Legally Blonde, Reese what's her name? Reese Wither...
Them: Witherspoon?
You: Nah, Witherknife.

2.

I received a phone call from my sister-in-law to be last night. She sounded so excited and wanted me to come around to her place so she could show me her dress that she bought for the wedding.

I wasn't doing anything and was actually bored so I drove around to her place to discover she was home alone, wearing her wedding dress.

After a few minutes she informed me that she didn't want me to come over to look at her wedding dress, but to let me know that she has had strong feelings for me for a couple of years and she wanted to spend a romantic night with me before I got married to her sister.

I was shocked and didn't know what to do or say. She told me if I was interested to meet her up stairs.

She began walking slowly up stairs with her head still turned at me giving me a sexy look. When she got to the top of the stair case, I quickly ran out of the house without any hesitation and bolted towards my car. Before I could open my car door, I was greeted by my future father-in-law, who said to me, "congratulations, son, you have past our test. Welcome to the family."

So the whole thing was a bloody set up, the dirty bastard.

So, yeah, the morale of the story is to always leave your condoms in your car.
 

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From the same site as the parots one:

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
 
As you can see I have no life. TG footy starts next weekend. :o

Q What do modern artists eat for breakfast?
A Surreal
 

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