- Banned
- #1
What a crazy, crazy world it is out there. I hate lawyers so much too.
Warning: Read this at your own risk
July 27, 2003
BY ZAY N. SMITH SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST Advertisement
BY ZAY N. SMITH Sun-Times Columnist
Hey! Look out! Thanks for the warning. No. I'm against warnings, if you really want to know.
What do you mean?
Too many warnings. Warning signs and warning labels, all around us. The only warning I haven't seen is a warning to warn me that I'm about to be warned. Warn me if you ever see one of those.
DEPARTMENT OF DUH WARNING: REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING
*On a baby stroller: "Remove child before folding."
*On a bottle of chocolate milk: "After opening, keep upright."
*On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not try to stop chain with hands."
*On a pudding packet: "Product will be hot after heating."
*On a steam iron: "Never iron clothes that are being worn."
*On a camera: "This camera works only when there is film inside."
*On an air-conditioner: "Do not drop out of window."
*On a cold compress measuring 10 inches by 4.5 inches by 1.5 inches: "For external use only."
*On prescription sleeping pills: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
*On a fireplace lighter: "Do not use near fire."
*On the wheels of a wheelbarrow: "Not for highway use."
*On an underarm deodorant: "Do not spray in eyes."
*On a folding aluminum chair: "This product may also cause harm if eaten."
*On a toilet at a sports facility: "Unsafe for drinking."
*On an electric wood router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
*On a pair of shin guards: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
*On a plastic storage container: "Remove lid before use."
*On a propane blowtorch: "Never use while sleeping."
*On a compact disc player: "Do not use as a projectile in a catapult."
*On an artificial fireplace log: "Caution--Risk of Fire."
*On a camera: "When operating the selector dial with your eye to the viewfinder, care should be taken not to put your finger in your eye accidentally."
*On an inflatable kayak: "This item is not to be eaten or burned."
*On a Japanese car: "Don't drive standing up through the sunroof while you're closing it."
*On the bottom of a package of tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down."
WARNING: THIS PRODUCT NOT INTENDED FOR USE AS A DENTAL DRILL.
WARNING: DON'T DRIVE STANDING UP THROUGH THE SUNROOF WHILE YOU'RE CLOSING IT.
Something seems to have set you off.
It's right here in the paper. They're even bringing up a new Act of Congress again. The National Food Choking Prevention Act. More warning labels. Somebody needs to tell us that food can choke us?
Too many warnings, you say.
You could say that. I just bought one of those big car shades you spread across your windshield. It says: "Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place."
Good advice.
And the cartridge for my laser printer. "Do not eat toner."
Never a good idea.
And when I get out my cigarettes, the packs of which have been warning me for years, I light one of them with my lighter. You know what the warning label that came on my lighter said? "Do not ignite in face."
You really should stop smoking.
It's kind of insulting, all these warnings.
You'll have to take that up with Stella Liebeck.
I think I remember her. She was the McDonald's lady.
Stella Liebeck of Albuquerque, N.M. She won a lot of money in court because McDonald's failed to warn her specifically not to put a cup of hot coffee between her legs while at the wheel of a car. That was nearly 10 years ago. It has inspired many lawyers since then.
It is a good idea never to be near an inspired lawyer.
For instance, there was the family of a Canadian man who was killed when he started rocking a 925-pound Coke machine and it tipped over on him. The lawsuit said the machine should have carried a warning that if a person rocks a 925-pound Coke machine, it might tip over and kill him. Or the Pennsylvania man who let go of a stretched elastic cord on the hood of his coat, which then snapped back and hit him in the eye. He sued the maker of the coat because it failed to offer a warning that an elastic cord, when stretched and let go, will tend to snap back. Or the parents of a man killed when he sneaked into a pool containing a large killer whale at SeaWorld in Florida. They sued because the pool offered no warning that it is not a good idea to be in the same pool with a large killer whale. Or the man who leaned too close to the stage at a Canadian strip club and was kicked in the nose by a stripper who was swinging around a pole. He sued the strip club because it failed to warn patrons that if they leaned onto the stage, they might be kicked in the nose by the stripper swinging around a pole.
You imply that we will be seeing more and more warning signs.
Yes. The lawyers for the people who provide goods and services will make this so. It is what happens when one group of lawyers scares another group of lawyers.
Maybe lawyers ought to come with warning labels.
Then again, there is the California ski resort that posted all the right warning signs, including one that said: "Be Aware--Ski with Care."
That should do it.
A skier slammed into one of the signs. He sued the resort because he had not been sufficiently warned that there might be warning signs.
You know, I was just looking at my tube of toothpaste this morning. There's a poison warning label on it.
Something to think about.
And I just read a story the other day about researchers who found that mother's milk can contain toxins.
I saw that one, too.
All we have to do is figure out where to put the warning labels.
But don't be too quick to condemn. Some warnings can be useful.
You mean, like on medicine bottles? If I take a popular anti-depressant, I should be warned that its possible side effects include rashes, headaches, tremors, dizziness, weakness, insomnia, nervousness, fatigue, sweating, cramps, nausea, diarrhea, weight loss, yawning, frequent urination, chills, ringing in the ears, confusion, paranoia, constipation, hiccups, inflamed gums, weight gain, a swollen tongue, an irregular heartbeat, jaundice and twitching?
Not a pretty picture.
I can get pretty glum just thinking about anti-depressants.
But you see the point. There are things we don't know. There are things that don't occur to us. And that's why we need warnings. You were talking about the National Food Choking Prevention Act. Quick. How do you feed a hot dog to a small child?
Easy. I've seen moms do it. You slice it into coin-sized pieces.
A major choking hazard. Small children have died from eating hot dogs that way. That is why Congress is looking at the Food Choking Prevention Act again. It would put warnings on some candies, popcorn and hot dogs, all of which can choke in ways we might not suspect.
By the way, how do you feed a hot dog to a small child?
It is recommended that you slice the entire hot dog lengthwise in quarters and then cut off individual bites. And have you ever seen those plastic buckets that hold four or five gallons?
Right. There's another keeper. I saw a warning once on a bucket of cat litter: "Children can fall into this bucket and drown." Yeah. Right.
As many as 50 small children drown in them every year. They fall in headfirst and can't tip back out.
Really. All right. Maybe you have a point. Then again, I got on an airline and was handed a bag of peanuts. There was a warning on the bag of peanuts. It said: "Warning: Contains nuts."
You may have a point, too.
Well. See you around.
No. With all the inspired lawyers out there, you will have to do better than that.
What do you mean?
See you (this statement is offered without representation or warranty as to the effects or repercussions thereof upon any and all persons who might elect to "see around" the party as represented herein and with the understanding that any persons taking such actions without such representation or warranty do so with the express understanding that they have agreed to and indemnify and hold the party offering the statement harmless from the effects thereof) around.
Not if I see you first.
Is that a warning?
Warning: Read this at your own risk
July 27, 2003
BY ZAY N. SMITH SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST Advertisement
BY ZAY N. SMITH Sun-Times Columnist
Hey! Look out! Thanks for the warning. No. I'm against warnings, if you really want to know.
What do you mean?
Too many warnings. Warning signs and warning labels, all around us. The only warning I haven't seen is a warning to warn me that I'm about to be warned. Warn me if you ever see one of those.
DEPARTMENT OF DUH WARNING: REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING
*On a baby stroller: "Remove child before folding."
*On a bottle of chocolate milk: "After opening, keep upright."
*On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not try to stop chain with hands."
*On a pudding packet: "Product will be hot after heating."
*On a steam iron: "Never iron clothes that are being worn."
*On a camera: "This camera works only when there is film inside."
*On an air-conditioner: "Do not drop out of window."
*On a cold compress measuring 10 inches by 4.5 inches by 1.5 inches: "For external use only."
*On prescription sleeping pills: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
*On a fireplace lighter: "Do not use near fire."
*On the wheels of a wheelbarrow: "Not for highway use."
*On an underarm deodorant: "Do not spray in eyes."
*On a folding aluminum chair: "This product may also cause harm if eaten."
*On a toilet at a sports facility: "Unsafe for drinking."
*On an electric wood router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
*On a pair of shin guards: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
*On a plastic storage container: "Remove lid before use."
*On a propane blowtorch: "Never use while sleeping."
*On a compact disc player: "Do not use as a projectile in a catapult."
*On an artificial fireplace log: "Caution--Risk of Fire."
*On a camera: "When operating the selector dial with your eye to the viewfinder, care should be taken not to put your finger in your eye accidentally."
*On an inflatable kayak: "This item is not to be eaten or burned."
*On a Japanese car: "Don't drive standing up through the sunroof while you're closing it."
*On the bottom of a package of tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down."
WARNING: THIS PRODUCT NOT INTENDED FOR USE AS A DENTAL DRILL.
WARNING: DON'T DRIVE STANDING UP THROUGH THE SUNROOF WHILE YOU'RE CLOSING IT.
Something seems to have set you off.
It's right here in the paper. They're even bringing up a new Act of Congress again. The National Food Choking Prevention Act. More warning labels. Somebody needs to tell us that food can choke us?
Too many warnings, you say.
You could say that. I just bought one of those big car shades you spread across your windshield. It says: "Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place."
Good advice.
And the cartridge for my laser printer. "Do not eat toner."
Never a good idea.
And when I get out my cigarettes, the packs of which have been warning me for years, I light one of them with my lighter. You know what the warning label that came on my lighter said? "Do not ignite in face."
You really should stop smoking.
It's kind of insulting, all these warnings.
You'll have to take that up with Stella Liebeck.
I think I remember her. She was the McDonald's lady.
Stella Liebeck of Albuquerque, N.M. She won a lot of money in court because McDonald's failed to warn her specifically not to put a cup of hot coffee between her legs while at the wheel of a car. That was nearly 10 years ago. It has inspired many lawyers since then.
It is a good idea never to be near an inspired lawyer.
For instance, there was the family of a Canadian man who was killed when he started rocking a 925-pound Coke machine and it tipped over on him. The lawsuit said the machine should have carried a warning that if a person rocks a 925-pound Coke machine, it might tip over and kill him. Or the Pennsylvania man who let go of a stretched elastic cord on the hood of his coat, which then snapped back and hit him in the eye. He sued the maker of the coat because it failed to offer a warning that an elastic cord, when stretched and let go, will tend to snap back. Or the parents of a man killed when he sneaked into a pool containing a large killer whale at SeaWorld in Florida. They sued because the pool offered no warning that it is not a good idea to be in the same pool with a large killer whale. Or the man who leaned too close to the stage at a Canadian strip club and was kicked in the nose by a stripper who was swinging around a pole. He sued the strip club because it failed to warn patrons that if they leaned onto the stage, they might be kicked in the nose by the stripper swinging around a pole.
You imply that we will be seeing more and more warning signs.
Yes. The lawyers for the people who provide goods and services will make this so. It is what happens when one group of lawyers scares another group of lawyers.
Maybe lawyers ought to come with warning labels.
Then again, there is the California ski resort that posted all the right warning signs, including one that said: "Be Aware--Ski with Care."
That should do it.
A skier slammed into one of the signs. He sued the resort because he had not been sufficiently warned that there might be warning signs.
You know, I was just looking at my tube of toothpaste this morning. There's a poison warning label on it.
Something to think about.
And I just read a story the other day about researchers who found that mother's milk can contain toxins.
I saw that one, too.
All we have to do is figure out where to put the warning labels.
But don't be too quick to condemn. Some warnings can be useful.
You mean, like on medicine bottles? If I take a popular anti-depressant, I should be warned that its possible side effects include rashes, headaches, tremors, dizziness, weakness, insomnia, nervousness, fatigue, sweating, cramps, nausea, diarrhea, weight loss, yawning, frequent urination, chills, ringing in the ears, confusion, paranoia, constipation, hiccups, inflamed gums, weight gain, a swollen tongue, an irregular heartbeat, jaundice and twitching?
Not a pretty picture.
I can get pretty glum just thinking about anti-depressants.
But you see the point. There are things we don't know. There are things that don't occur to us. And that's why we need warnings. You were talking about the National Food Choking Prevention Act. Quick. How do you feed a hot dog to a small child?
Easy. I've seen moms do it. You slice it into coin-sized pieces.
A major choking hazard. Small children have died from eating hot dogs that way. That is why Congress is looking at the Food Choking Prevention Act again. It would put warnings on some candies, popcorn and hot dogs, all of which can choke in ways we might not suspect.
By the way, how do you feed a hot dog to a small child?
It is recommended that you slice the entire hot dog lengthwise in quarters and then cut off individual bites. And have you ever seen those plastic buckets that hold four or five gallons?
Right. There's another keeper. I saw a warning once on a bucket of cat litter: "Children can fall into this bucket and drown." Yeah. Right.
As many as 50 small children drown in them every year. They fall in headfirst and can't tip back out.
Really. All right. Maybe you have a point. Then again, I got on an airline and was handed a bag of peanuts. There was a warning on the bag of peanuts. It said: "Warning: Contains nuts."
You may have a point, too.
Well. See you around.
No. With all the inspired lawyers out there, you will have to do better than that.
What do you mean?
See you (this statement is offered without representation or warranty as to the effects or repercussions thereof upon any and all persons who might elect to "see around" the party as represented herein and with the understanding that any persons taking such actions without such representation or warranty do so with the express understanding that they have agreed to and indemnify and hold the party offering the statement harmless from the effects thereof) around.
Not if I see you first.
Is that a warning?
