IllBeTheJudge
Premiership Player
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,396
- Reaction score
- 1,587
- Location
- Insert witty location here
- AFL Club
- St Kilda
- Other Teams
- New Orleans Saints, Sth Dragons
Let's try not to take this too seriously, eh? 
(PS. this is something I normally do for my tipping comp subscribers ... thought I might whack it in here as well though)
It's with a fair amount of writers' block (read, laziness) that I submit this weeks' match reports. I'm probably also putting apostrophes in the wrong places, but tha'ts life.
Having been away most of the weekend with almost the only match available to me to be seen live being the Dees and Crows, it's difficult to feel motivated to write anything positive. Fortunately that's why I have other scribes to assist me. Perhaps after reading their work I shall feel more inspired to put single finger tapping to keyboard ...
Tigers v Kangaroos
After suffering from the toughest first five rounds in the history of AFL, Tanned Tangers Tezza's Tigers were faced with the impossible task of taking on a fast failing Northern Kangaroos/North Melbourne/Lost Boys/I feel like chicken tonight at the former phone dome. Come to think of it, is it any wonder that some of the North's kiddies got up to a little poultry mischief when their coach has the surname of LAID ley. I figure Ley must have been the name of the chicken. Alas, I digress as it could have been Dean. Mind you there seems to be a poultry theme as one of King Carey's other nicknames, apart from you adulterous b@stard that shagged my wife in the dunny was Duck. Alas I have really digressed. Hmmmm what's that fluff...oh never mind.
To the match!!! The lead up to this one had all the hype of a women's auxillary scone baking competition with more interest on the Tiggies board meeting on Tuesday night than the actual game at hand. After many hours of deliberation and a case put forward by Tangers, the Tigers bored (and no that is not a typo), relented and simply to get the sodding twit out of the boardroom (and no that is not a typo either) before underbelly came on, decided to back Tezz until at least the mid year break. This had two outcomes. 1. it meant that the players could concentrate on something that they hadn't done so for the entire year...play footy and 2. gave Kevin Sheedy enough time to touch up his resume and buy a messiah suit in preparation for his return.
You may have guessed by now from reading this report that I did not watch this match. Then again, who did? I did however get to see the highlights. This consisted of 3 seconds of my life that I will never get back and apart from seeing Boomer Harvey's elbow dislocated from 37 different camera angles including jacksie cam, it looked as though it was another pretty inept display from the Tigers. Just happened that North were more inept. Which isn't really surprising considering that to be any more inept, they would be called Fremantle. Or Richmond. Or perhaps Tivendale. A couple of positives for the Tiges came out of this game. 1. They managed to win without two over-the-hill, over rated, egotistical dim wits (Brown and Cousins) and 2. By injuring Richo it meant that he was unable to miss any goals. Or behinds. Or just generally miss kick. So in the end, the Tigers triumphed and in the age old tradition, showed that week is a long time in footy. Tiggies by more than they probably should have.
Ben Cousins injury update: Ben was progressing well until he made a mid recovery trip to Mexico. it appears that as a result of this trip, Ben has contracted what appears to be flu like symptoms, apparently from a cold that he received when coming into contact with some ice. In Mexico. Or perhaps it was rice. Couldn't really tell as he was in a bit of a fluster as he had apparently lost his shirt. Come to think of it, he'd lost his shoes as well. Never mind, we'll find him another pair. Should be back in a few weeks and we will seek to trade him at the end of the season for something a little more reliable, such as a British Lleyland Rover SD1. You know the one with the flukey Lucas electrics...... Perhaps not an entirely accurate transcript from a possible interview with Richmond's high performance llama.
Admin's note: I can't really just let that be the one and only match report of the week could I? Here are some highlights of selected other matches throughout the round
Port v St Kilda
Port Adelaide in Adelaide was going to be the first real test for the Saints, not to be confused with the first real test that was Adelaide at AAMI or the match they play this week against the Dogs, being their first real test. Having the wood over St Kilda is not historically something to be powering about - I wanted to say crowing about, but that made no sense - and yet without some really punsy uniforms to inspire the team to greatness, nor the rabid cheers of a crowd of psycho killers (why is everyone in Adelaide called Dexter?), nor the aid of a stiff-ish breeze could see the Power be competitive against a St Kilda side that has inexplicably found some grit this season. It probably got caught under the nails as the team started tearing down the stands at Moorabbin, or perhaps they sat down and got stuck to something in the pokies room. Teams this year against the Saints look like a bunch of pimply rangas with glasses, Roman sandals with socks on and a Star Trek t-shirt - they simply cannot score.
To be fair, it wasn't as though St Kilda played with any great fluency or skill in the first quarter especially, yet still managed 6 goals. A couple of soft 50m penalty decisions saw the Power put their one and only goal of the half on the board. It was game over by this stage, and the main interest left in the game was to see whether Rooey could outscore the opposition on his own for the second week in a row.
This is not the kind of game the Power brokers (booya!) were hoping for being on the Friday night "big stage" and all, with less dough in the coffers than the NSW State Government. Their performance was nothing less than insipid. The big dopey looking bloke up forward, who has managed to look less intelligent than Lloydy, was Dawsoned, and had little effect. Lenny Hayes had his first standout game of the season. I thought Geary was terrific, and could have a breakout year. Just a pimple breakout of course, as he's still more or less a teenager. Gilbo still looking the goods as well.
First real test for St Kilda, should they beat the Dogs this week, will be against Collingwood the week after.
Saints by 66
Essendon v Collingwood
The two teams still manage to put on a cracker of a game on Anzac Day, year after year. Most of the time. After losing David Hille to a season ending knee injury (I'm glad I had booted him from my Dream Team the week before) it was left to Paddy Ryder, the man who has played a total of .873 good games in his life to take control of the ruck. Josh Fraser was cleared inspired by Port Adelaide's performance from the night before. Grant Thomas during the week has labeled him soft and essentially a poor ruckman, and GT knows what a good ruckman looks like. Throughout is coaching time at the Saints, he only had to look at every other team to see what quality ruckmen were.
This game see-sawed throughout the day with flashes of brilliance from Leon Davis, Dane Swan and Brett Stanton, who is finally making a mark on the game. With 6 minutes to go the Pies had managed to get out to a sizable lead, only to see it disappear and eventually be overrun when Zaharakis got pushed off his kick, and straightened him up.
The reigning 100 metre glare champion in Mick Malthouse has had plenty of practise this week. Can't wait for him to face off with Mark Harvey.
Bumbers by 5
Hawthorn v West Coast & Fremantle v Sydney
Put your hand up if you saw either of these games? Liars
West Coast could have pinched this one, hitting the front in the last quarter, but they're not a good team. Somehow the Hawks got up.
Pavlich increased his trade worth by beating the Swans. There might have been other performers, but you can bet Tarrant wasn't one of them, and to be honest I can barely think of any other members of the team.
Geelong v Brisbane
I started watching this but it soon became apparent that the Lions were going to be slaughtered by their tougher bodied and ferocious feline foes. I got so bored that I googled Google. I got a surprisingly high number of results. Probably not a googol's worth, but a lot.
One thing I would be worried about if I was a Cats fan, is the showing of arrogance, particularly by Cam Mooney. Let's face it, if he wasn't in the side, you'd almost like Geelong.
Gablett only got 42 touches this time, so possibly only 1 vote.
Cats got the cream, well and truly
Dogs v Blues
The Blues will finish in the top 4 and get the next 7 premierships, including this season's. Back to back to back to back to back to back to back. That's just how good they are. West Coast showed that you could win premierships without a forward or back line to speak of, which is exactly how the Blues are going to model their team. Get on board Carlton fans, start talking up your chances, do everything you can to spruke just how damn fantastic this bunch is. There will be no fall, no fall what-so-ever. I must say that Kruezer dud take a speccy. I didn't really mean to say dud. Ackland isn't on the list anymore is he?
Blues by 43
Melbourne v Adelaide
Let's not go there
Crows won, leave it at that
(PS. this is something I normally do for my tipping comp subscribers ... thought I might whack it in here as well though)It's with a fair amount of writers' block (read, laziness) that I submit this weeks' match reports. I'm probably also putting apostrophes in the wrong places, but tha'ts life.
Having been away most of the weekend with almost the only match available to me to be seen live being the Dees and Crows, it's difficult to feel motivated to write anything positive. Fortunately that's why I have other scribes to assist me. Perhaps after reading their work I shall feel more inspired to put single finger tapping to keyboard ...
Tigers v Kangaroos
After suffering from the toughest first five rounds in the history of AFL, Tanned Tangers Tezza's Tigers were faced with the impossible task of taking on a fast failing Northern Kangaroos/North Melbourne/Lost Boys/I feel like chicken tonight at the former phone dome. Come to think of it, is it any wonder that some of the North's kiddies got up to a little poultry mischief when their coach has the surname of LAID ley. I figure Ley must have been the name of the chicken. Alas, I digress as it could have been Dean. Mind you there seems to be a poultry theme as one of King Carey's other nicknames, apart from you adulterous b@stard that shagged my wife in the dunny was Duck. Alas I have really digressed. Hmmmm what's that fluff...oh never mind.
To the match!!! The lead up to this one had all the hype of a women's auxillary scone baking competition with more interest on the Tiggies board meeting on Tuesday night than the actual game at hand. After many hours of deliberation and a case put forward by Tangers, the Tigers bored (and no that is not a typo), relented and simply to get the sodding twit out of the boardroom (and no that is not a typo either) before underbelly came on, decided to back Tezz until at least the mid year break. This had two outcomes. 1. it meant that the players could concentrate on something that they hadn't done so for the entire year...play footy and 2. gave Kevin Sheedy enough time to touch up his resume and buy a messiah suit in preparation for his return.
You may have guessed by now from reading this report that I did not watch this match. Then again, who did? I did however get to see the highlights. This consisted of 3 seconds of my life that I will never get back and apart from seeing Boomer Harvey's elbow dislocated from 37 different camera angles including jacksie cam, it looked as though it was another pretty inept display from the Tigers. Just happened that North were more inept. Which isn't really surprising considering that to be any more inept, they would be called Fremantle. Or Richmond. Or perhaps Tivendale. A couple of positives for the Tiges came out of this game. 1. They managed to win without two over-the-hill, over rated, egotistical dim wits (Brown and Cousins) and 2. By injuring Richo it meant that he was unable to miss any goals. Or behinds. Or just generally miss kick. So in the end, the Tigers triumphed and in the age old tradition, showed that week is a long time in footy. Tiggies by more than they probably should have.
Ben Cousins injury update: Ben was progressing well until he made a mid recovery trip to Mexico. it appears that as a result of this trip, Ben has contracted what appears to be flu like symptoms, apparently from a cold that he received when coming into contact with some ice. In Mexico. Or perhaps it was rice. Couldn't really tell as he was in a bit of a fluster as he had apparently lost his shirt. Come to think of it, he'd lost his shoes as well. Never mind, we'll find him another pair. Should be back in a few weeks and we will seek to trade him at the end of the season for something a little more reliable, such as a British Lleyland Rover SD1. You know the one with the flukey Lucas electrics...... Perhaps not an entirely accurate transcript from a possible interview with Richmond's high performance llama.
Admin's note: I can't really just let that be the one and only match report of the week could I? Here are some highlights of selected other matches throughout the round
Port v St Kilda
Port Adelaide in Adelaide was going to be the first real test for the Saints, not to be confused with the first real test that was Adelaide at AAMI or the match they play this week against the Dogs, being their first real test. Having the wood over St Kilda is not historically something to be powering about - I wanted to say crowing about, but that made no sense - and yet without some really punsy uniforms to inspire the team to greatness, nor the rabid cheers of a crowd of psycho killers (why is everyone in Adelaide called Dexter?), nor the aid of a stiff-ish breeze could see the Power be competitive against a St Kilda side that has inexplicably found some grit this season. It probably got caught under the nails as the team started tearing down the stands at Moorabbin, or perhaps they sat down and got stuck to something in the pokies room. Teams this year against the Saints look like a bunch of pimply rangas with glasses, Roman sandals with socks on and a Star Trek t-shirt - they simply cannot score.
To be fair, it wasn't as though St Kilda played with any great fluency or skill in the first quarter especially, yet still managed 6 goals. A couple of soft 50m penalty decisions saw the Power put their one and only goal of the half on the board. It was game over by this stage, and the main interest left in the game was to see whether Rooey could outscore the opposition on his own for the second week in a row.
This is not the kind of game the Power brokers (booya!) were hoping for being on the Friday night "big stage" and all, with less dough in the coffers than the NSW State Government. Their performance was nothing less than insipid. The big dopey looking bloke up forward, who has managed to look less intelligent than Lloydy, was Dawsoned, and had little effect. Lenny Hayes had his first standout game of the season. I thought Geary was terrific, and could have a breakout year. Just a pimple breakout of course, as he's still more or less a teenager. Gilbo still looking the goods as well.
First real test for St Kilda, should they beat the Dogs this week, will be against Collingwood the week after.
Saints by 66
Essendon v Collingwood
The two teams still manage to put on a cracker of a game on Anzac Day, year after year. Most of the time. After losing David Hille to a season ending knee injury (I'm glad I had booted him from my Dream Team the week before) it was left to Paddy Ryder, the man who has played a total of .873 good games in his life to take control of the ruck. Josh Fraser was cleared inspired by Port Adelaide's performance from the night before. Grant Thomas during the week has labeled him soft and essentially a poor ruckman, and GT knows what a good ruckman looks like. Throughout is coaching time at the Saints, he only had to look at every other team to see what quality ruckmen were.
This game see-sawed throughout the day with flashes of brilliance from Leon Davis, Dane Swan and Brett Stanton, who is finally making a mark on the game. With 6 minutes to go the Pies had managed to get out to a sizable lead, only to see it disappear and eventually be overrun when Zaharakis got pushed off his kick, and straightened him up.
The reigning 100 metre glare champion in Mick Malthouse has had plenty of practise this week. Can't wait for him to face off with Mark Harvey.
Bumbers by 5
Hawthorn v West Coast & Fremantle v Sydney
Put your hand up if you saw either of these games? Liars
West Coast could have pinched this one, hitting the front in the last quarter, but they're not a good team. Somehow the Hawks got up.
Pavlich increased his trade worth by beating the Swans. There might have been other performers, but you can bet Tarrant wasn't one of them, and to be honest I can barely think of any other members of the team.
Geelong v Brisbane
I started watching this but it soon became apparent that the Lions were going to be slaughtered by their tougher bodied and ferocious feline foes. I got so bored that I googled Google. I got a surprisingly high number of results. Probably not a googol's worth, but a lot.
One thing I would be worried about if I was a Cats fan, is the showing of arrogance, particularly by Cam Mooney. Let's face it, if he wasn't in the side, you'd almost like Geelong.
Gablett only got 42 touches this time, so possibly only 1 vote.
Cats got the cream, well and truly
Dogs v Blues
The Blues will finish in the top 4 and get the next 7 premierships, including this season's. Back to back to back to back to back to back to back. That's just how good they are. West Coast showed that you could win premierships without a forward or back line to speak of, which is exactly how the Blues are going to model their team. Get on board Carlton fans, start talking up your chances, do everything you can to spruke just how damn fantastic this bunch is. There will be no fall, no fall what-so-ever. I must say that Kruezer dud take a speccy. I didn't really mean to say dud. Ackland isn't on the list anymore is he?
Blues by 43
Melbourne v Adelaide
Let's not go there
Crows won, leave it at that
