Setting the tone for tonite

[Beausgirl43]

I was emailed these today, enjoy!

. Whats the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist?
> >
> >
> > A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.
> >
> >
> > ________________________________________________________________________

> >
> >
> > Collingwood are bringing out a new bra! Plenty of support, soft and no
> > CUP!!!
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest
> >
> >
> > stamps?
> >
> >
> > They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People
> >
> >
> > couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Collingwood
> > jersey?
> >
> >
> > The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to
> >
> >
> > save his family from the embarrassment.
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says,
> >
> >
> > "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up
> >
> >
> > everything inside them is numbered."
> >
> >
> > The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything
> >
> >
> > inside them is in alphabetical order."
> >
> >
> > Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is
> >
> >
> > colour-coded."
> >
> >
> > The fourth one says, "I prefer Collingwood players. They're heartless,
> >
> >
> > spineless, gutless and their heads and bums are interchangeable."
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off
> >
> >
> > and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
> >
> >
> > He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"
> >
> >
> > "Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Nathan Buckley".
> >
> >
> > "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the
> >
> >
> > leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt ?"
> >
> >
> > "Well, he tried to escape through the park."
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > NOW THEY'RE JUST GETTING LOW!!
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you
> >
> >
> > never swerve to hit him?
> >
> >
> > A. It could be your bicycle.
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
> >
> >
> > A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to
> >
> >
> > their necks in sand?
> >
> >
> > A. Not enough sand.
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a
> >
> >
> > dead Collingwood fan on the road?
> >
> >
> > A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
> >
> >
> > Collingwood fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
> >
> >
> > A. Shoot the Collingwood fan - twice.
> >
> >
> > ============================
> >
> >
> > Q. How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
> >
> >
> > A. Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make
> >
> >
> > excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done his
> >
> >
> > job in the first place the light bulb would never have gone out.
> >
> >
> > =============================
> >
> >
> > Q. What's the difference between a female Collingwood fan and a
> >
> >
> > Pit bull?
> >
> >
> > A. Lipstick
> >
> >
> > =============================
> >
> >
> > Q. Santa Claus , the tooth fairy , an intelligent Collingwood
> >
> >
> > fan, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when
> >
> >
> > they simultaneously spot a $100.00 note. Who gets it?
> >
> >
> > A. The drunk, of course ; the other three are mythical creatures.
> >
> >
> > ==============================
> >
> >
> > Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a Collingwood Fan?
> >
> >
> > A. A Doberman.
> >
> >
> > ==============================
> >
> >
> > Q. What do Collingwood Fans use for birth control ?
> >
> >
> > A. Their personalities.
> >
> >
> > ==============================
> >
> >
> > Q. What is the difference between an Collingwood Fan and a
> >
> >
> > trampoline?
> >
> >
> > A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
> >
> >
> > ==============================
> >
> >
> > Q. What do you call 5000 dead Collingwood Fans at the bottom of
> >
> >
> > the ocean?
> >
> >
> > A. A good start.
> >
> >
> > ==============================
> >
> >
> > A Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his
> >
> >
> > Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out
> >
> >
> > walks St Peter in a St Kilda scarf. "Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm
> > sorry,no Collingwood fans in heaven."
> >
> >
> > "What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
> >
> >
> > "You heard. No Collingwood fans."
> >
> >
> > "But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood
supporter.
> > "Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
> >
> >
> > "Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the

> > starving children in Africa."
> >
> >
> > "Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"
> >
> >
> > "Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."
> > "Hmmm. Anything else?"
> >
> >
> > "Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."
> > "Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word
> >
> >
> > with the governor." Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He
> >
> >
> > looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and
> >
> >
> > he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now sod off."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Apparently Jason Cloke has been fined $6000 after the grand final.
> >
> >
> > It seems that is the standard fine for any spectator running onto the
> > playing arena.

 

[lioness]

Originally posted by Beausgirl43
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Nathan Buckley".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt ?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."

That was the only one I hadn't heard before and I'll admit, it gave me a laugh!

 

[Lions2k2]

have heard most of them but a good time to hear them again

 

[Grasshopper17]

Originally posted by Lions2k2
have heard most of them but a good time to hear them again

Agreed. Nice work BG.

 

[Stocka]

Obviously the 'tone' dial has been set to 'dull'.

 

[Monster Joe]

Originally posted by Beausgirl43
...
> > Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest
> > stamps?
> > They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People
> > couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
...

Heard most of them dozens of times before, but that's a new one. Pi$$er.

 

[Lensen]

Judith Lucy.

 

[SpecialBruce]

Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket?

Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can't play grasshopper!

 

[SpecialBruce]

Eddie MaGuire, Nathan Buckley and Mick Malthouse stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. Eddie has some budgies lined up on each arm, Nathan has parrots lined up on his arms and Mick has grasshoppers lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, Eddie said to Nathan.

"I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

Then Nathan replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

Mick replies, "What about me? I'm not keen on this grasshopping."