The e-mail laughs thread...

[greennick]

Thought it may be a good idea to post some of the many laughs we get from e-mails.

Got this one today. I wonder if it is genuine, seems a bit "done before" if you know what I mean.

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

 

[Miguel Sanchez]

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and no
longer resides here."


The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.


The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."



The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President
and no longer resides here."


The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.


The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U..S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."


The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"



The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."


The Marine grinned, snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

 

[greennick]

That's pretty good, I haven't seen that

 

[DivideandMultiply]

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Sounds kinda sensible to me...

Best answer for a question ever.

 

[Ochre]

i got two footy ones



Do you find grand final time stressful?
Does the cost of expensive grand final tickets cause you concern?
Do you fly into a panic trying to organise interstate travel and accommodation at short notice for the grand final?
Are you driven to despair by the complicated process of grand final ticket ordering systems?
Does the shortage of grand final tickets and the likelihood that competing club members will miss out get you down?
Don't panic.
Don't despair.
A solution is at hand......

.....

.....

SUPPORT FREMANTLE INSTEAD.

No need for expensive grand final travel and accommodation.
No grand final ticket angst.

Give Grand Final stress the heave-ho.
Support Freo. No flags, no worries.



and the other one is Tasmanias VFL jumper

 

[greennick]

LITTLE JOHNNIE STRIKES AGAIN


Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working families', if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families' ) asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, That would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*ckin' accident either!'

 

[greennick]

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

 

[beatlesmith]

mass lulz on both greenick.
Great stuff.

I've got a bad taste joke;

Q:What do hiroshima and tehran have in common?

A: Nothing............yet

 

[greennick]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed
her period for two months.



Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.



The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.



Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to
you? I want to know!'



The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.



Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps
out of the Mercedes and enters the house.



He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells
them:



Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my
actions.



I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.



Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.



If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank
account.



If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.



Finally, for
causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to
offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to
be at your disposal at any time.



However, if there
is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'



At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a
hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...



'You root her again.'

 

[RoJo Junior]

Epic lolz

 

[cat21]

Please - keep them coming - my work email filters these