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THE SLAMMYS
The Marmaduke Award
FOR: The biggest dog in the League, the guy making lots of coin but not worth a friggin' cent.
WINNER: Tom Gugliotta
Anyone remember when Tom Gugliotta was one of the true forces in the NBA, a guy that could change a game every time he touched a ball? Well, that's probably because there never was a time like that. Still, the brilliant salary cap geniuses in Phoenix lavished Googs with a $58 million deal just before the '99-00 season. Since signing that deal, Googs has averaged 13.7, 6.3, 6.5 4.8, 2.3 and 3.8 points per game. Phoenix traded his contract to Utah this season, and despite Utah's best pleas, Googs had to go along with it. He has experienced something of a rebirth in Salt Lake City, posting a season-high 8 points (I'm not kidding!) three times. His contract ends this summer, so this award will be up for grabs next season. All you sorry big men – get out there and get a huge deal!
The Allan Houston Award
FOR: The alleged superstar who puts up decent numbers but doesn't justify his pay and rarely come up big when it counts.
WINNER: Shareef Abdur-Rahim
I hate to do this to my main man and former high school teammate, because it isn't necessarily his fault that he's getting this. But either way, there's no reason a guy making $13 million this year and $14 million next year should be coming off the bench and playing about ten minutes per night. And he's still never made the playoffs.
The LVP Award
FOR: The allegedly important player whose absence least affected his team.
WINNER: Allen Iverson
Oh, AI. With the Sixers out of contention to contend, AI came down with a knee injury, which the rest of the Sixers found out about by reading the paper. He traveled with the team briefly, even eating nachos on the bench in Detroit. But by the end, he wasn't even bothering to show up for home games. And then a funny thing happened: While Allen missed the last 33 games, the Sixers put a run together and nearly made the playoffs. Turned out the Answer left us only with more questions.
The Glue Guy Award
FOR: The guy who needs to be taken out to pasture and turned into Elmer's.
WINNER: Dikembe Mutombo
As we wrote last season, the best thing about this collective bargaining agreement is that the old guys that can't play cost too much to keep around, so if you're old, you better be able to contribute (like you, Kevin Willis). Incredibly, Deke was a creaker two seasons ago when he joined the Sixers for a playoff run. Since then he went to the Finals with the Nets, got cut, started for the Knicks, got benched for the Knicks, and, in the last week or two, started getting minutes once again. How long will he stick around? Who knows! The one thing Deke continues to teach us, however, is that you can't teach size.
The R. Kelly Award
FOR: The young player that needs some love
WINNER: Chris Bosh
While we in the lower 48 were sleeping, CB4 quietly turned in a strong rookie season, starting 63 games and playing 75, averaging 11.5 points per game and 7.4 rebounds per game, plus 1.4 blocks per, despite being outsized most night by beefier players. Dude is going to be a beast. (Note: Marquis Daniels was a strong contender for this honor, but he only played the last two months of the season. Maybe next year, if he can be consistent throughout the season.)
The Fight Club Award
FOR: The best fight of the season
WINNER: Gary Payton and Speedy Claxton
OK, maybe it wasn't really a fight, but when a player tries to scrap in a parking lot with a 70-year-old coach, that's gangsta. But Payton's best fisticuffs this season came against the Warriors, when he and Speedy got tangled up after a foul. GP elbowed Speedy in the chest, the two ended up pressed up on the scorer's table, and Gary tried to take a bite out of Speedy's ear. You can take the man out of Oakland, but you can't take Oakland out of the man.
The Brown Mic Award
FOR: The worst national NBA announcer.
WINNER: Kevin Harlan
Ohhhh! Harlan is back, and he hits it right between the eyes! The surprise performance of Tim Hardaway last season, especially the way he kept putting the UTEP-Two Step on the ESPN cameras, temporarily wrested the award away from Harlan, but he came roaring back this season, screaming at the slightest of plays, injecting his trademark false enthusiasm into places it didn't need to be, and just generally being annoying. It's scary to think about how close to perfection they are over there at TNT. Maybe they keep Harlan around to ground themselves.
The Charles Oakley Lifetime Achievement Award
FOR: The player who night in and night out tries to prove that he's utterly, completely insane.
WINNER: Gilbert Arenas
The World's Most Famous Arenas has had an exciting career. This summer he singed a big deal with the Wizards and guaranteed they'd make the playoffs. That didn't happen. He got yanked from the starting line-up three different times this season, once for missing a flight and once for getting stuck in traffic and arriving late. And then there's my favorite instance, when he was late because he was playing pool in the player's lounge. Of course, he once got fined for showing up late to practice because he was doing a phone interview with SLAM. At least he's got his priorities in order.
The J.R. Rider Memorial Award
FOR: The player most committed to chemical warfare.
WINNER: Damon Stoudamire
It's hard to top Rasheed, who once had a cop ask him, "Do you have marijuana in the car?" Sheed's response: "No, we smoked it all up." Damon gets the award this year for his work over the summer, when he set off metal detectors at an Arizona airport after attempting to carry marijuana through a metal detector. That shouldn't be a problem, unless, like Damon, you wrap the pot in tin foil. We're also glad that he recently passed a drug test on a challenge from a sports writer, a test that he took while his coach, Mo Cheeks, watched. What was he, high?
The Rockafella Award
FOR: The team of the year.
WINNER: Minnesota Timberwolves
I know it can be tough to like a team whose biggest fan is Craig Kilborn, but the Timberwolves finished this year with the best record in the best conference, won 58 games, and most importantly, played hard every night. Every time I watched them play I was impressed with their hustle on offense and defense, and I think they're going to win a playoff series this year. Once they get to the second round, well, we'll see about that...
The Enron Award
FOR: The worst owners in the League.
WINNER: Phoenix Suns (Jerry Colangelo)
It's not so much that the Suns blew up their team in the middle of the season and suddenly decided that they didn't need to be competitive. What got me was that they claimed they were doing it in an effort to clear money to make big moves this summer and next summer, to make the team stronger in the long run. When I suggested that perhaps they were looking to sell the franchise, I got shouted down on phxsuns.net, and ESPN's Insider even co-signed for the Colangelos that they were just trying to get better. And then the Colangelos announced they were going to sell the team. So they went from having a young, exciting team to having...well, at least they're young!
The Tuna Award
FOR: The best coach of the year.
WINNER: Jerry Sloan
We've been through this many times here on The Links, so you know where I stand. No one did more with less talent, and many coaches did less with more talent. It's not even close.
The Tark in San Antonio Award
FOR: The worst coach of the year.
WINNER: Scott Skiles
With so many horrible NBA teams this year, it's tough to single any one guy out. But the Bulls brought in Skiles with the express job of firing up these guys that wouldn't perform for Bill Cartwright. Under Big Bill, they'd been 4-10. Under Skiles they went 19-49. See the big difference there?
The Homie Award
FOR: The best American rookie.
WINNER: Carmelo Anthony
All season long, I've been one of LeBron James' biggest supporters. But with the season over, and Denver in the playoffs and Cleveland not in the playoffs, I have to go with Melo. I'm not saying LeBron sucks, and I think in the long run LeBron will be the better all-around player. You can say Denver had better players around Carmelo, but I'd say they played against better teams every night. And as bad as the Eastern Conference was, I just feel the Cavs should have made the playoffs this season. They didn't. Denver did. Carmelo gets the hardware.
The Passport Award
FOR: The best new foreign player.
WINNER: Boris Diaw
I know it's because he was on a terrible team, but Diaw got the most court time of any foreign rookie, and I was consistently impressed by his versatility. He refused to shoot, though that started changing toward the end of the season, and he was far and away the best passer on the Hawks. I like his game and I think he's going to be tough down the road.
The Chilling List Award
FOR: The player who has spent the most time on the bench this season.
WINNER: Darko Milicic
Hey, where's Darko? Oh, he's way down there on the end of bench. Welcome to the NBA!
The Master Lock Award
FOR: The best defensive player in the L.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER: Ron Artest
We've enjoyed following the antics of Ron Ron the Rottweiler for years here on The Links. The best story, of course, is how he applied for a part-time job at Circuit City his rookie year in Chicago so he could get the employee discount. But now he's settled down, stopped collecting technical fouls and is just locking people down on defense. Ben Wallace is a great interior defender, but he's also mostly a help-side defender. Ron Ron does it all.
The Tiffani Thiessen Award
FOR: The new player on a team that made the most impact.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER: Sam Cassell
"The T-Wolves needed someone to push them over the top..." That was how I started last year's paragraph giving the award to Troy Hudson. But with T-Hud hurt all season, Sam-I-Am stepped in and posted the highest scoring numbers (19.8 ppg) of his career, stretched out other team's defenses, and didn't miss a 16-foot jump shot all season long. And he looks like Gollum.
The Big SLAMMY
FOR: The Most Valuable Player in the League -- in the sense of the guy no team would ever trade away.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER: Kevin Garnett
I've long argued that Shaquille O'Neal deserves the NBA's MVP every season, simply because he's undefendable, which makes him more valuable than any other player in the NBA. But with guys like Iverson and T-Mac on the trading block, and with Shaq finding himself with the ball less and less, KG gets it this year. 24 ppg, 14 rpg, 5 apg, 1.5 spg, 2.2 bpg...what more can I say?
The Marmaduke Award
FOR: The biggest dog in the League, the guy making lots of coin but not worth a friggin' cent.
WINNER: Tom Gugliotta
Anyone remember when Tom Gugliotta was one of the true forces in the NBA, a guy that could change a game every time he touched a ball? Well, that's probably because there never was a time like that. Still, the brilliant salary cap geniuses in Phoenix lavished Googs with a $58 million deal just before the '99-00 season. Since signing that deal, Googs has averaged 13.7, 6.3, 6.5 4.8, 2.3 and 3.8 points per game. Phoenix traded his contract to Utah this season, and despite Utah's best pleas, Googs had to go along with it. He has experienced something of a rebirth in Salt Lake City, posting a season-high 8 points (I'm not kidding!) three times. His contract ends this summer, so this award will be up for grabs next season. All you sorry big men – get out there and get a huge deal!
The Allan Houston Award
FOR: The alleged superstar who puts up decent numbers but doesn't justify his pay and rarely come up big when it counts.
WINNER: Shareef Abdur-Rahim
I hate to do this to my main man and former high school teammate, because it isn't necessarily his fault that he's getting this. But either way, there's no reason a guy making $13 million this year and $14 million next year should be coming off the bench and playing about ten minutes per night. And he's still never made the playoffs.
The LVP Award
FOR: The allegedly important player whose absence least affected his team.
WINNER: Allen Iverson
Oh, AI. With the Sixers out of contention to contend, AI came down with a knee injury, which the rest of the Sixers found out about by reading the paper. He traveled with the team briefly, even eating nachos on the bench in Detroit. But by the end, he wasn't even bothering to show up for home games. And then a funny thing happened: While Allen missed the last 33 games, the Sixers put a run together and nearly made the playoffs. Turned out the Answer left us only with more questions.
The Glue Guy Award
FOR: The guy who needs to be taken out to pasture and turned into Elmer's.
WINNER: Dikembe Mutombo
As we wrote last season, the best thing about this collective bargaining agreement is that the old guys that can't play cost too much to keep around, so if you're old, you better be able to contribute (like you, Kevin Willis). Incredibly, Deke was a creaker two seasons ago when he joined the Sixers for a playoff run. Since then he went to the Finals with the Nets, got cut, started for the Knicks, got benched for the Knicks, and, in the last week or two, started getting minutes once again. How long will he stick around? Who knows! The one thing Deke continues to teach us, however, is that you can't teach size.
The R. Kelly Award
FOR: The young player that needs some love
WINNER: Chris Bosh
While we in the lower 48 were sleeping, CB4 quietly turned in a strong rookie season, starting 63 games and playing 75, averaging 11.5 points per game and 7.4 rebounds per game, plus 1.4 blocks per, despite being outsized most night by beefier players. Dude is going to be a beast. (Note: Marquis Daniels was a strong contender for this honor, but he only played the last two months of the season. Maybe next year, if he can be consistent throughout the season.)
The Fight Club Award
FOR: The best fight of the season
WINNER: Gary Payton and Speedy Claxton
OK, maybe it wasn't really a fight, but when a player tries to scrap in a parking lot with a 70-year-old coach, that's gangsta. But Payton's best fisticuffs this season came against the Warriors, when he and Speedy got tangled up after a foul. GP elbowed Speedy in the chest, the two ended up pressed up on the scorer's table, and Gary tried to take a bite out of Speedy's ear. You can take the man out of Oakland, but you can't take Oakland out of the man.
The Brown Mic Award
FOR: The worst national NBA announcer.
WINNER: Kevin Harlan
Ohhhh! Harlan is back, and he hits it right between the eyes! The surprise performance of Tim Hardaway last season, especially the way he kept putting the UTEP-Two Step on the ESPN cameras, temporarily wrested the award away from Harlan, but he came roaring back this season, screaming at the slightest of plays, injecting his trademark false enthusiasm into places it didn't need to be, and just generally being annoying. It's scary to think about how close to perfection they are over there at TNT. Maybe they keep Harlan around to ground themselves.
The Charles Oakley Lifetime Achievement Award
FOR: The player who night in and night out tries to prove that he's utterly, completely insane.
WINNER: Gilbert Arenas
The World's Most Famous Arenas has had an exciting career. This summer he singed a big deal with the Wizards and guaranteed they'd make the playoffs. That didn't happen. He got yanked from the starting line-up three different times this season, once for missing a flight and once for getting stuck in traffic and arriving late. And then there's my favorite instance, when he was late because he was playing pool in the player's lounge. Of course, he once got fined for showing up late to practice because he was doing a phone interview with SLAM. At least he's got his priorities in order.
The J.R. Rider Memorial Award
FOR: The player most committed to chemical warfare.
WINNER: Damon Stoudamire
It's hard to top Rasheed, who once had a cop ask him, "Do you have marijuana in the car?" Sheed's response: "No, we smoked it all up." Damon gets the award this year for his work over the summer, when he set off metal detectors at an Arizona airport after attempting to carry marijuana through a metal detector. That shouldn't be a problem, unless, like Damon, you wrap the pot in tin foil. We're also glad that he recently passed a drug test on a challenge from a sports writer, a test that he took while his coach, Mo Cheeks, watched. What was he, high?
The Rockafella Award
FOR: The team of the year.
WINNER: Minnesota Timberwolves
I know it can be tough to like a team whose biggest fan is Craig Kilborn, but the Timberwolves finished this year with the best record in the best conference, won 58 games, and most importantly, played hard every night. Every time I watched them play I was impressed with their hustle on offense and defense, and I think they're going to win a playoff series this year. Once they get to the second round, well, we'll see about that...
The Enron Award
FOR: The worst owners in the League.
WINNER: Phoenix Suns (Jerry Colangelo)
It's not so much that the Suns blew up their team in the middle of the season and suddenly decided that they didn't need to be competitive. What got me was that they claimed they were doing it in an effort to clear money to make big moves this summer and next summer, to make the team stronger in the long run. When I suggested that perhaps they were looking to sell the franchise, I got shouted down on phxsuns.net, and ESPN's Insider even co-signed for the Colangelos that they were just trying to get better. And then the Colangelos announced they were going to sell the team. So they went from having a young, exciting team to having...well, at least they're young!
The Tuna Award
FOR: The best coach of the year.
WINNER: Jerry Sloan
We've been through this many times here on The Links, so you know where I stand. No one did more with less talent, and many coaches did less with more talent. It's not even close.
The Tark in San Antonio Award
FOR: The worst coach of the year.
WINNER: Scott Skiles
With so many horrible NBA teams this year, it's tough to single any one guy out. But the Bulls brought in Skiles with the express job of firing up these guys that wouldn't perform for Bill Cartwright. Under Big Bill, they'd been 4-10. Under Skiles they went 19-49. See the big difference there?
The Homie Award
FOR: The best American rookie.
WINNER: Carmelo Anthony
All season long, I've been one of LeBron James' biggest supporters. But with the season over, and Denver in the playoffs and Cleveland not in the playoffs, I have to go with Melo. I'm not saying LeBron sucks, and I think in the long run LeBron will be the better all-around player. You can say Denver had better players around Carmelo, but I'd say they played against better teams every night. And as bad as the Eastern Conference was, I just feel the Cavs should have made the playoffs this season. They didn't. Denver did. Carmelo gets the hardware.
The Passport Award
FOR: The best new foreign player.
WINNER: Boris Diaw
I know it's because he was on a terrible team, but Diaw got the most court time of any foreign rookie, and I was consistently impressed by his versatility. He refused to shoot, though that started changing toward the end of the season, and he was far and away the best passer on the Hawks. I like his game and I think he's going to be tough down the road.
The Chilling List Award
FOR: The player who has spent the most time on the bench this season.
WINNER: Darko Milicic
Hey, where's Darko? Oh, he's way down there on the end of bench. Welcome to the NBA!
The Master Lock Award
FOR: The best defensive player in the L.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER: Ron Artest
We've enjoyed following the antics of Ron Ron the Rottweiler for years here on The Links. The best story, of course, is how he applied for a part-time job at Circuit City his rookie year in Chicago so he could get the employee discount. But now he's settled down, stopped collecting technical fouls and is just locking people down on defense. Ben Wallace is a great interior defender, but he's also mostly a help-side defender. Ron Ron does it all.
The Tiffani Thiessen Award
FOR: The new player on a team that made the most impact.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER: Sam Cassell
"The T-Wolves needed someone to push them over the top..." That was how I started last year's paragraph giving the award to Troy Hudson. But with T-Hud hurt all season, Sam-I-Am stepped in and posted the highest scoring numbers (19.8 ppg) of his career, stretched out other team's defenses, and didn't miss a 16-foot jump shot all season long. And he looks like Gollum.
The Big SLAMMY
FOR: The Most Valuable Player in the League -- in the sense of the guy no team would ever trade away.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER: Kevin Garnett
I've long argued that Shaquille O'Neal deserves the NBA's MVP every season, simply because he's undefendable, which makes him more valuable than any other player in the NBA. But with guys like Iverson and T-Mac on the trading block, and with Shaq finding himself with the ball less and less, KG gets it this year. 24 ppg, 14 rpg, 5 apg, 1.5 spg, 2.2 bpg...what more can I say?
