Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Best and Worst jokes ever heard...
- Thread starter Marc Shmurf 3
- Start date
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My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?"
"That's my new girlfriend." I replied.
"Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet."
"That's my new girlfriend." I replied.
"Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet."
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
As I stared at the stripper, I gently massaged my junk.
"Get out of my hardware store," said the manager.
"Get out of my hardware store," said the manager.
My sister gave me her mate's number, saying that if I texted her I could get a date.
So I texted: "Hi, Sarah gave me your number. My name's Jim. Would you like to come out for a drink sometime?"
She texted back: "OMG! I neva fort ud txt! Yes id like tht!"
So I texted back: "Sorry, better forget it. Sarah didn't tell me you were a *******."
So I texted: "Hi, Sarah gave me your number. My name's Jim. Would you like to come out for a drink sometime?"
She texted back: "OMG! I neva fort ud txt! Yes id like tht!"
So I texted back: "Sorry, better forget it. Sarah didn't tell me you were a *******."
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks". I said, "Don't mention it".
He said, "Thanks". I said, "Don't mention it".
RedmanWasHere
Rarely in kitchens at parties.
- Aug 23, 2010
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Paddy & Mic are at the top of the cliff, Paddy says to Mic "Are you ready Mic"
Mic relies "yep, lets do it" at which point he opens his hands, where he has a budgie taped to each one.
He jumps off the cliff and plummets straight to the bottom.
When Paddy finally reach's him, he is twisted and broken and just barely alive.
"Mic, Mic are you alright mate"? Paddy asks quite concerned for his mate.
"I'm OK, but * this budgie jumping"
Mic relies "yep, lets do it" at which point he opens his hands, where he has a budgie taped to each one.
He jumps off the cliff and plummets straight to the bottom.
When Paddy finally reach's him, he is twisted and broken and just barely alive.
"Mic, Mic are you alright mate"? Paddy asks quite concerned for his mate.
"I'm OK, but * this budgie jumping"
You got to hand it to blind prostitutes.
"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
Chinese authorities are struggling to find the missing Malaysian plane.
Has anyone suggested that they open their eyes properly?
Has anyone suggested that they open their eyes properly?
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat. I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.
RedmanWasHere
Rarely in kitchens at parties.
- Aug 23, 2010
- 26,879
- 29,611
- AFL Club
- Essendon
- Other Teams
- Exers, Gryffindor, Rich+Ess AFLW, Tassie
Oh that's just wong.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses stuck up his arse.
The doctor described his condition as stable.
The doctor described his condition as stable.
I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"
Depends on what you mean by "active".
There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.
Depends on what you mean by "active".
There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.
Is it just me, or was music better when ugly people were allowed to make it?
Not really a joke. 
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink" I said to a bloke at the bar.
"Really?" he replied, "so what can you tell about me?"
"You're a campaigner" I said.
"What makes you say that?" he asked.
I said, "that's my beer you're drinking."
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink" I said to a bloke at the bar.
"Really?" he replied, "so what can you tell about me?"
"You're a campaigner" I said.
"What makes you say that?" he asked.
I said, "that's my beer you're drinking."
My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.
To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.
To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.
Oranges can be either male or female.
The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.
The females are bitter for no apparent reason.
The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.
The females are bitter for no apparent reason.
BlueBelle
Chief Bluebagger
pr0n stars?You're obviously fraternising with the wrong girls!
BlueBelle
Chief Bluebagger
Oh, thought you were talking about women squirting in the eye... my bad...If that's his style, but not what I meant!
