Lame jokes

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As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
 
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
 

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A poor man needs a job so he goes to a church and ask the priest for a job. He gets the job to ring the bell every afternoon, since it was afternoon already the man runs up the stairs and trips at the top and hits the bell with his head. Every afternoon he did this until one day he ran up the stairs, tripped and missed the bell and fell to his death, flat face to the ground. A woman finds him and stares at his dead body. The priest rushes out to see what happened to the man and he asked the woman, "Do you know this man?" she said, "No, but his face sure does ring a bell."
 

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Bomber32 said:
Q: What happened to the wooden car with the wooden wheels and a wooden engine?

A: It wooden go.
Click to expand...

Q What happened to the wooden car with a steel motor and steel wheels?

A IT STEEL WOODEN GO!!
 
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and is having sex?
Still no f***ing idea
 
Bomber32 said:
A poor man needs a job so he goes to a church and ask the priest for a job. He gets the job to ring the bell every afternoon, since it was afternoon already the man runs up the stairs and trips at the top and hits the bell with his head. Every afternoon he did this until one day he ran up the stairs, tripped and missed the bell and fell to his death, flat face to the ground. A woman finds him and stares at his dead body. The priest rushes out to see what happened to the man and he asked the woman, "Do you know this man?" she said, "No, but his face sure does ring a bell."
Click to expand...

In a strange coincidence (or lucky, cause it makes this joke possible) he was replaced by his twin brother, and a similar thing happened whereby he would trip and ring the bell with his head everytime, until he too missed, and plummetted to his death. The same woman finds the body and the priest again asks "Do you know this man?". She says "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy"
 
a good "knock knock" to give to your friends.

YOU: hey mate i've got a good knock knock joke...

MATE: yeah

YOU: yeah, you start it

at this point, without realising, they should start the "knock knock" process. Upon replying the who's there, they will be slighly dumbfounded or confused....
 
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to
make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile
of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella
that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda
finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself
a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna
fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now… He storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese gent…

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Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,



'SUPPLIES!!!!':eek:
 
A woman was travelling along a deserted backroad at night when her car broke down. It was cold and rainy, she was all alone, but she saw a light in the distance and dashed toward it, hoping to find a telephone (in the days before cell phones). She knocked on the door of the huge house, and it creaked eerily on its hinges as it slowly fell open. There was no one there. She stepped inside, calling out, "Hello? Anyone home?" but there was no answer. The door closed behind her with a shudder. To her right was a beautifully appointed room with a roaring fire in the fireplace and a big comfy chair. She sat down and warmed herself, placing her coat and shoes near the fire to dry out. Before long, she fell asleep.

She was awakened by a loud ringing sound, and noticed a telephone on a table across the room that she didn't remember seeing before. It rang and rang, and no one came to answer it, so she picked it up, hoping the caller could help her find someone to fix her car. "Hello, who is this?" she asked. A voice intoned, "The viper comes at midnight." Then she heard a click and a dial tone. She hung up, then tried to make a call. The line seemed dead.

"I'll wait until morning, then see if I can get help." She fell asleep again, only to be awakened by the phone ringing. "Hello, who is this? I need help! My car has broken down!" But the same voice intoned, "The viper comes at midnight!" and the phone went dead again.

Unnerved, the woman sat back down by the fire. She looked at her watch: 11:45pm. She couldn't sleep, so she wandered through the house looking for a book or anything that might take her mind off her predicament. Suddenly, there was a loud pounding at the front door. Terrified, the woman hid, but the pounding only got more persistent. Finally, she had to see who was there--maybe it was just the owner coming home late and missing his keys. She called through the door, "Who is it?" And a voice replied...

"I'm da viper, come to vipe de vindows!"
 
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