Lame jokes

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carltonblue said:
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and is having sex?
Still no f***ing idea
Click to expand...
lol :D

The last time I head that joke I laughed right off my dinosaur

an oldie but a goodie :D!
 
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, oi I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 

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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,

'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had f*** all', he says, 'F-*-*-* A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got f*** all for breakfast'.
 
Disappointed with my Avatar DVD. I've watched the film twice & still can't work out which one's 'Blue Ray'.
 
Whats the only difference between an orange and a dolphin?

They both live underwater, except for the orange.
 
A blonde walks up to a counter and says to the attendant "I would like one hamburger and two orders of fries."

The attendant stares at her for a moment "Mam...this is a library..."

The blonde looks around and notices that it was in fact a library, then quietly whispers "I'd like one hamburger and two orders of fries please."
 
The local council organises a School poetry contest. Schools are given a word and have to prepare a poem that includes that word and half an hour later one student recites the poem. Only two schools enter: City Grammar and Suburban Tech. To their surprise they are given the word "Timbuktu".

John Brabner-Smythe for Grammar stands up and presents
Far away in a distant land
Walkng across the burning sand
Marching in convoy two by two
Destination Timbuktu

Chiko for Tech says
Me and me bruvver Tm a-hunting we did go
And we comes upon three pretty maidens sitting in a row
And cos them was three and we was two
I buck one and Timbuktu
 
At a Melbourne Storm meeting today one of the players asked Coach Bellamy..."How the bloody hell are we supposed to play the rest of the year for no points?
Bellamy replies... "Dunno..... I'll ring up Neil Craig and ask him":thumbsdown:

I must admit... I had to chuckle
 
topjars said:
At a Melbourne Storm meeting today one of the players asked Coach Bellamy..."How the bloody hell are we supposed to play the rest of the year for no points?
Bellamy replies... "Dunno..... I'll ring up Neil Craig and ask him":thumbsdown:

I must admit... I had to chuckle
Click to expand...
:thumbsu:
 
[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica]There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." [/FONT][/FONT]
 

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Preacher . . To His Congregation

"Anyone with needs to be prayed for, can come forward to the altar!"

Rangi got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked:

"Rangi, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Rangi replied: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher put one finger in Rangi's ear, and he placed the other hand on top of Rangi's head and prayed and prayed and prayed for Rangi.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

"Rangi, how is your hearing now?"

Rangi replied, "I dunno Reverend . . it's not until next Wednesday.":rolleyes:
 
A blonde​
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was whipper-snippering her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat,
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to Woolworths!
Why Woolworths?
​
Woolworths is the largest retailer in Australia!
 
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