Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

[philreich]

A young couple are out on a date, and getting on rather well with each other. After dinner, they go for a walk, and come to the window of a jewellery shop. The girl sees a gorgeous looking diamond ring, and says, “Oh darling – that ring would look awfully good on my finger.” So the guy pulls a brick out of his pocket, throws it through the window, picks up the ring and places it on her finger. She’s absolutely thrilled, and gives him a big hug.

Soon after, they pass by the window of an expensive clothes shop. The girl sees an expensive looking mink coat, and says, “Oh darling – that would look awfully good on me, to go with my diamond ring.” So the guy pulls out another brick, throws it through the window, picks up the mink coat, and places it over her shoulders. She’s brimming with excitement, and gives him another hug and a passionate kiss.

Then they come to an expensive car yard, and the girl sees a luxurious Rolls Royce – no doubt with a price tag to match. She says to her man, “Oh darling: I can just picture us at the drive in, both of us sitting in the back seat of that beautiful car.” He looks tenderly into her eyes, and says, “You stupid woman ; do you think I’m made of bricks?”

 

[Damp Squarie]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.

Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

 

[Damp Squarie]

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW . There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, they turned you down.

 

[worbod]

How do you find out how heavy one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

 

[Double the Fist]

My wife has been telling her friends that I don't respect her privacy.....



.... at least thats what it says in her Diary!

 

[Double the Fist]

What has My mobile and Carlton got in common?

THey both start 0 and 4

 

[Wayne Dwop]

Nobody knows how the fire at Notre Dame started but Quasimodo has a hunch.

 

[Billy ray]

If your dad doesn’t have a beard you have RCD.

If your dad doesn’t have a beard you have two dads.

Both of these variations work.

Not a pearler but wasn’t sure where to post

 

[Damp Squarie]

Oldie but a Goodie

A London Solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.

"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner.

The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

The Solicitor looked down in horror.

Spoiler

"F***ing hell !" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex ????"

 

[spenze]

My granddad was surrounded by his family when he died.

Such was the manpower needed to hold the pillow over his face.

 

[spenze]

They say good friends make the best lovers.

And, in my experience, excellent guide dogs.

 

[spenze]

I said to my mate, "My mother-in-law was due to visit so I cut off my dog's tail."

"Ha ha," he said. "So she wouldn't see any signs of welcome?"

"No, because I ran out of my anti psychotic medication."

 

[spenze]

I couldn't believe when my severely obese wife said to me, "Oh darling, you must be so embarrassed to always be out and be seen with me, and people thinking you're married to someone as fat as I am !"

"No, not really," I replied, "People usually just think that I'm your carer."

 

[Damp Squarie]

A large Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

An ABC reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars.I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replied, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter.'

The ABC journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

Spoiler

‘SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.’

That pretty much sums up the ABCs media's approach to the news these days.

 

[worbod]

I recently watched a soccer game between two teams of ballet dancers. The score was two-two.

 

[spenze]

I recently watched a soccer game between two teams of ballet dancers. The score was two-two.

Unsure of whether a pearler or just a good dad joke

 

[Wayne Dwop]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Then they kick him in the ice hole.”



You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It’s so easy to fool OLD People !!

 

[Generalissimo]

The Chinese are some of the most resourceful people in the world. Did you know they devised an entire writing system from bogans' tattoos?

 

[Nebula1971]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.

Best call was from the guy who called his wife “Harvey Norman .....”
Why? asked the host

To which the caller replied, absolutely no interest for 48 months..

 

[STFU Donnie]

When my time comes, I hope I go peacefully in my sleep just like my Grandad.

Spoiler

Rather than screaming in terror like his passengers.

 

[twotooto]

Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila.

I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago.”​

 

[Damp Squarie]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

Spoiler

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

[spenze]

Call a woman beautiful a million times and she will never remember

Call her fat just once and she will never forget

That's because Elephants never forget

 

[Generalissimo]

What do a pregnant teenager and the fetus have in common?

Both are thinking, "Oh shit, Mum's gonna kill me."

 

[worbod]

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi.