Crows Footy Finals Knockout Competition.

[Damp Squarie]

COMPETITION RULES:

1.Select one winning team and winning margin* in the first finals round and you advance to next round.

2. Except; if your selection loses, then you are eliminated.

3. Or; if your selection wins but your winning margin* is the most inaccurate out of those entering the competition, you are also eliminated.

4. Make it to the Grand Final and pick the winning team and closest margin. and you will take all.


5. Each person must have a different margin.



The cost to join this elite competition is

1.You must be a Crows Supporter.
2.You need to post a half decent joke in this thread to consider yourself entered.

First Prize

Stunt Coordinator for the Orgy of the Century between dyertribe, Blues_Girl, MarksGirl-kbcrowgirl and fitzys_eyes.

Second Prize

You get to be the Props person for the above event.

Third Prize

You dip out.

Whos in?


apart from dyertribe

 

[Damp Squarie]

On a tour of South Australia, the Pope took a couple of days off his
> Itinerary to visit the wild west coast near Smoky Bay on an impromptu
> sightseeing trip.
>
> His 4X4 Pope mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an
> enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what
> it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the
> surf, a hapless man wearing a Teal, White and Black football jersey,
> struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot
> shark.
>
> At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Crows tops roared
> into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim
> and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The
> other two reached out and pulled the bloke from the sea
> and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
>
> They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along
> with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
> heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he
> summoned them to the beach.
>
> Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue
> and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard
> that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia
> but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
> I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal
> harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
>
> He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
>
> As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
>
> "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact
> with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
>
> "Well,"the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*#k all about shark hunting.
> How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

Consider me in!

 

[tribey]

Originally posted by topjars
First Prize

Stunt Coordinator for the Orgy of the Century between dyertribe, Blues_Girl, MarksGirl-kbcrowgirl and fitzys_eyes.

lol

 

[Stiffy_18]

Originally posted by topjars
Stunt Coordinator for the Orgy of the Century between dyertribe, Blues_Girl, MarksGirl-kbcrowgirl and fitzys_eyes.

How could you possibly not enter a competition that gives a once ina lifetime opportunity.

Stiffy_18 goes in search of a half decent joke

 

[MarksGirl-kbcrowgirl]

First Prize

Stunt Coordinator for the Orgy of the Century between dyertribe, Blues_Girl, MarksGirl-kbcrowgirl and fitzys_eyes.

Second Prize

You get to be the Props person for the above event.



PMSL...................I think Maccas_no_1 (Marty) is keen on this one, I look forward to his joke! I suspect he could give us tips......has he been down this road before???

k
xx

 

[tribey]

Just call me Dirk Diggler...

ACTION!

 

[MarksGirl-kbcrowgirl]

Originally posted by dyertribe
Just call me Dirk Diggler...

ACTION!

then you can call me Candy Downs

k
xx

 

[fitzy's_eyes]

Even though I am already a part of the orgy I still wanna join the comp!

I just need a joke!!!!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

 

[maccas_no1]

LOL @ Alli very good joke Alli

Um well I guess I'd better come up with a good joke hey

No Kristie no orgy experience

 

[Jars458]

Count me in. This orgy could be a pay per view event

We could raise the extra $50 K to give Macca outside of the cap.


Two flies were playing soccer in a saucer

One said to the other "I am bored of this "

The other said "Don't worry, we are playing in the Cup tomorrow"

 

[maccas_no1]

Why did the boy fall off the swing??????????????






































He Had No Arms

 

[Kane McGoodwin]

TJ, I'm not sure whether the last 2 jokes qualify as "half-decent".

I'll post my joke later, but here are some naughy limericks.

There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
'Cause when you rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!

There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a *** for Tat.

 

[macca23]

A ringside seat for me at the orgy please!!


"Two aliens"
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What
a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his d*ck around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!!

 

[macca23]

And just so I can bring my video camera

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get **** too.

 

[raboyle]

Originally posted by Kane McGoodwin
TJ, I'm not sure whether the last 2 jokes qualify as "half-decent".

I'll post my joke later, but here are some naughy limericks.

There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
'Cause when you rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!

There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a *** for Tat.

There once was a girl from Dundee
Who got r*ped by an ape in a tree
The result was most horrid...
All co*k and no forehead...
Three balls just between you and me!

There once was a woman from Sydney
Who could take it right up to the kidney
Til a man from Quebec... stuffed it up to her neck...
Now he had a big one now didn't he?

There once was a bloke from Longport
Whose d$#k was exceedingly short
When he hopped into bed...
His wife said 'Now Ned...'
'This isn't a prick, it's a wart!'

Heh heh... wait, what was first prize?!

 

[sapaul]

Count me in if this qualifies as at least 'half decent'



On the subject of drugs in tennis, the Williams sisters were recently discussing this in the warm-up room before a doubles match.

"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids" whispered Serena.

"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.

"Well" , started Serena embarrassingly , "I've started to grow hair on parts of my body that have never had hair before!". "

Sh^t....like where?" asked Venus.

" Like all over my balls!" replied Serena.

 

[napsyd]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this very breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady said breathlessly, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other's in your oatmeal."

 

[Damp Squarie]

Originally posted by Kane McGoodwin
TJ, I'm not sure whether the last 2 jokes qualify as "half-decent".

Sorry maccas_no1... but You'll have to do better than that
I said half decent not terrible

So far contestants jostling for "pole"position include

topjars
fitzy's_eyes
Jars 458
Kane McGoodwin
macca23
raboyle
sapaul
napsyd
stiffy_18

 

[macca23]

And another so that we can take close-ups with the video

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't
smell and are silent."
The doctor says,
"I see, take these pills and come back to see me
next week."
The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent... ...stink terribly."
The doctor says,
"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

[lozstar]

I found this one on my computer, I think it's been seen a billion times before, but it's pretty funny! (well i think so!)

Mark Williams, coach of Port Power, decided in '99 when he heard that Malcolm Blight was leaving, to go to Malcolm and ask what his secret was about winning two premierships.

He trotted up to Blighty and said "Blighty, what is your secret? Would you share it with me?"
"Why not?" was the great one's answer. "I'll show you what I do. It's not the physical toughness that wins premierships, it's the mental toughness. I'll just call Nige. Nige!"
"Yes boss".
"C'mon over." Nigel Smart comes over.
"Now Nige. If you father had a son and it wasn't your brother, who would he be."
"Why me of course," said Nigel.
"Thanks Nige. See Mark, that's what you do."
"Wow, thanks for that," said Mark.

Off down to Alberton went Mark, all fired up. He called Gavin Wanganeen and over came Gavin. "I want you to answer a question for me Gav. If your father had a son and he wasn't your brother, who would he be?"
"Gee, that's a bit tough coach. Can I have a bit of time to think about it?"
Off went Gavin. He called Peter Burgoyne over - "Hey Pete. I've got a question for you. If your father had a son and he wasn't your brother, who would he be?"
Peter Burgoyne looked at Gavin as though he was thick and answered, "Why me of course."
"Oh yeah" thought Gavin. Back he went to Mark Williams. "I've got the answer coach. If my father had a son and he wasn't my brother, he'd be Peter Burgoyne!"
Mark Williams looked at him hard and long and shook his head. "Don't be stupid Gavin, if you're father had a son an d he wasn't your brother, he'd be Nigel Smart!"

 

[lozstar]

Port Adelaide have recruited a new centre half forward while in Central Australia after watching this Afghan refugee continually jumping trying to escape one of Ruddock's hotel chains.

After a bit of sweet talking Williams gets this Afghan's visa passed & they bring him down to Alberton Oval. On his first day at training, Williams picked up a footy and said:

"Ball. Then he pointed at the goal and said: "Goal." Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said: "Kick. Understand? Kick, ball, goal. GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!"

The Afghan recruit was a little puzzled by this and summoned up the courage to say: "Excuse me, Mr. Williams, but I speak very good English.

Williams replied, "Sit down, son. I'm talking to Tredrea!"

 

[lozstar]

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"

 

[Stiffy_18]

Hopefully this qualifies as a half decent joke.


A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:
"Red.............Cherry"
"Yellow..........Lemon"
"Green...........Lime"
"Orange.........Orange"
Finally, the professor gave them all a honey flavored Lifesaver.
After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mom may sometimes call your daddy." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled "Everybody spitthem out....they're assholes!!!"

 

[Stiffy_18]

Here is another one just in case I have fallen short

Geography of men and women
>
>
> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
>
> Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
> wild,
> naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
>
> Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open
> to
> trade especially for someone with cash.
>
> Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and
> convinced
> of her own beauty.
>
> Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
> warm and desirable place to visit.
>
> Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted
> by
> past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
>
> Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
> unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
>
> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and
> all
> conquering past but alas, no future.
>
> After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it
> is,
> but no one wants to go there.
>
>
> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
>
> Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

 

[Stiffy_18]

Here is another one


> > A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating
> > >up.
> > >But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want
you
> > >to
> > >hold me."
> > >The guy says "WHAT??"
> > >The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a
> > >woman.
> > >Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might
as
> > >well deal with it.
> > >So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.
> > >He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
> > >She can't decide. He tells her to take all three of them.
> > >Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each,
> > >then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of
> > >diamond earrings. The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy
> > >has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis
> > >bracelet.
> > >He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it
> > >then let's get it. " The woman is jumping up and down so excited she
> > >cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to
> > >go, lets go to the cash register."
> > >The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all
> > >this stuff now." The woman's face goes blank.
> > >He continues - "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a
> > >while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to
> > >explode. The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my
> > >financial needs as a Man".
> > >