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Dear Santos

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Dear Santos

After realising that Oasis are a pile of steaming sh*te and that the Beatles were really overrated, I'm now getting into that new leading edge sound called "punk". I hope you have heard of that type of music. On the advice of my good friend Shinboners, I went to my very first punk gig. However, I got beaten up something shocking. I don't understand why because I was wearing an Offspring t-shirt, a Blink 1-8-2 baseball cap, and I wrote Green Day RULZ on the back of my brand new leather jacket. Can you please help me and let me know what I'm doing wrong?

Jod23
(anarchy man!)
 
Originally posted by PeteLX
Dear Auntie Santos,

I'm in love with this chick (for four years) but she 'just wants to be friends'. How do I make her love me?

-Sleepless in Sunshine
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Dear Sleepless in Sunshine,

Get her really drunk, and pretend that you're a racing car driver. That always goes down a treat.
 
Originally posted by mandy5
Dear Santos

There are a dozen or so guys in love with me, but I "just want to be freinds". How do I stop them from falling in love with me?

- Restless in Richmond
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Dear Restless in Richmond,

Get them really drunk and tell them you're a firm believer that the minor premier is disadvantaged by the current finals system. That should work a treat.
 
Originally posted by Shinboners
Dear Santos

After realising that Oasis are a pile of steaming sh*te and that the Beatles were really overrated, I'm now getting into that new leading edge sound called "punk". I hope you have heard of that type of music. On the advice of my good friend Shinboners, I went to my very first punk gig. However, I got beaten up something shocking. I don't understand why because I was wearing an Offspring t-shirt, a Blink 1-8-2 baseball cap, and I wrote Green Day RULZ on the back of my brand new leather jacket. Can you please help me and let me know what I'm doing wrong?

Jod23
(anarchy man!)
Click to expand...

Dear Jod23,

Stop being a bloody sissy. Go back to the venue and wait outside for these punks to turn up again and then when nobody's looking, let all the air out their BMX tires.
 

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Originally posted by Squeak
Dear Santos,

I am in need of serious help. I have become attracted to a guy, and he doesn't play football! I am currently the laughing stock of my friends. What can I do to rectify this horrible situation?

Thanking you in advance

Spidey
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Dear Spidey (is that really your name?),

This is a toughie. My advice would be to forget about this pitiful excuse for a man and get back to footy training and find yourself a real bloke. Stay away from those non-footballer types who will never know the pleasures of picking up chicks who lean over the fence and yell out, 'Ricky, what about a ****?'

Now that's a real shiela.
 
Dear Santos,

I recently received an invite from Joh Bjeikle Petersen and co for me and my sidekick to move to his old farm in Kingaroy. I don't get it! Why would they request this?

Signed
The Mase (and Sideshow Hawkfan5)
 
Originally posted by Docker_Brat
Dear Santos,

I recently received an invite from Joh Bjeikle Petersen and co for me and my sidekick to move to his old farm in Kingaroy. I don't get it! Why would they request this?

Signed
The Mase (and Sideshow Hawkfan5)
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Hmm, we seem to be getting off topic here. Joh's old farm has become a little delapidated and perhaps he needs someone to stand in for the mechanical cow at insemination time?

Either that or it's something to do with peanuts?
 
Dear Santos,

Thankyou for your unvaluable advice! I'm off to buy a bottle of Stone's Ginger Wine right after work.

Another question for you, oh sage one:

What's the deal with all the peanut comments today? Is this a Suzi thing?

-Mr Boy
 
Originally posted by PeteLX
Dear Santos,

Thankyou for your unvaluable advice! I'm off to buy a bottle of Stone's Ginger Wine right after work.

Another question for you, oh sage one:

What's the deal with all the peanut comments today? Is this a Suzi thing?

-Mr Boy
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Dear Mr Boy,

Yes.
 
Dear Santos,

While reading your advice column, the tea I was drinking sprayed out of my mouth all over my computer monitor and keyboard. Given that my computer is now completely destroyed, how am I able to type this message and how are you able to read it?

Also, where do I send the bill for repairs?
 
Originally posted by madboy
Dear Santos,

While reading your advice column, the tea I was drinking sprayed out of my mouth all over my computer monitor and keyboard. Given that my computer is now completely destroyed, how am I able to type this message and how are you able to read it?

Also, where do I send the bill for repairs?
Click to expand...

Dear Madboy,

You drink tea? No wonder you can't get a girlfriend.

Send the bill to Bluey.
 
Dear Santos,

I have uncontrollable feelings of inadequacy and have the feeling that everyone else is conspiring against me and my football team. I foil their best laid plans with irrefutable statistics and then proceed to uses these stats to prove my point ie: stats show that the minor premier is disadvantaged in the current finals system.
I am a 26 y.o. male from Werribee. I am told by people I am a Danny Jacobs lookalike, and also that my chronic masterbating will not make me go blind.

How do I stop these feelings and become a functioning member of society once more.
I would prefer to remain anonomous so I have used Joffaboys nic and avatar (sorry Joff)

Regards

Don26 (not my real name)
 

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Originally posted by daicos4ever
Dear Santos,

I just got a new phone, but my phone book and message inbox is empty. It makes me feel really lonely. I feel like I have no friends. What can I do????
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Dear Daicos4ever,

I recommmend that you get really drunk and face up to the fact that you really don't have any friends. Chicks love drunk loners.
 
Originally posted by Joffaboy
Dear Santos,

I have uncontrollable feelings of inadequacy and have the feeling that everyone else is conspiring against me and my football team. I foil their best laid plans with irrefutable statistics and then proceed to uses these stats to prove my point ie: stats show that the minor premier is disadvantaged in the current finals system.
I am a 26 y.o. male from Werribee. I am told by people I am a Danny Jacobs lookalike, and also that my chronic masterbating will not make me go blind.

How do I stop these feelings and become a functioning member of society once more.
I would prefer to remain anomous so I have used Joffaboys nic and avatar (sorry Joff)

Regards

Don26 (not my real name)
Click to expand...

Dear Dan26 (not the first time I've heard from you today)

Hmmm, this is another toughie. I recommend that you get really drunk and pretend to women that you're actually a top bloke. The most important thing to remember is that statistics can be used by anyone to prove anything, 28% of all people know this so it must be true.
I suggest that you watch more Star Wars videos as they hold the key's to becoming a successfull member of society.
 

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Originally posted by M29
Dear Santos,
Where do babies come from?
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Dear M29,

Babies are god's gift to us to continue the human race........apart from that I think women have them or something.
 

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