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Dwayne ' shit commentator ' Russell - PART 2 in 3d
- Thread starter September_Glory
- Start date
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Gaffanator
All Australian
I don't know if you guys heard tonight:
It was Adelaide's last few hours of the year.
The Eagles are going to play Collingwood next week.
Geelong beat Collingwood last night.
It's party time!!!!!
It was Adelaide's last few hours of the year.
The Eagles are going to play Collingwood next week.
Geelong beat Collingwood last night.
It's party time!!!!!
You forgot the 54 mentions of 'This is Adelaide's worst season ever!' and 'Can they get the margin to over 100 points!?' quickly followed by the muted 'well, the margin is no longer 100 points'.
The "shorts it" mystery grows and grows.
Scott Thompson got a Dwayne-o "shorts it" in the second qtr tonight as he kicked the ball almost 40m to Kurt Tippett.
Scott Thompson got a Dwayne-o "shorts it" in the second qtr tonight as he kicked the ball almost 40m to Kurt Tippett.
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Can't remember what quarter it was, probably third, Crows down by about 50 points, Adelaide kick a goal, "This could kick-start an Adelaide revival!!!!" Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
NO RED MEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[/drunk]
[/drunk]
KeithBlight
Senior List
Part Four, “Upstairs, downstairs” or “The elephant in the room”
Did I say Gerard Whateley’s polite congratulations were interrupted by a hellish, blood-curdling scream? Sorry, what I meant to say was, "Gerard Whateley's polite congratulations were interrupted by a knock at the door."
Bruce opens the door and is greeted by the imposing figure of former Collingwood ruckman Damian Monkhorst. He is dressed in his plumber’s overalls, and is carrying a toolbox in his left hand and a shifter in his right.
Bruce: Damian thanks for coming. I’m sorry to get you out at such short notice, but as you can see, the leak upstairs is becoming a bit of a problem.
He points to a watermark on the ceiling, caused by a leaking pipe somewhere in the upstairs bathroom. It is now starting to form drips on the ceiling, one of which lands on Billy Brownless’s head.
Bruce: You get the feeling that if something isn’t done soon there could be a nasty acciden, couldn't there?.
Monkhorst: Yeah, that’s a big problem Bruce. No doubt it’ll be pretty expensive to fix. I’d better...
Another knock at the door stops Monky mid-sentence. Andy Maher has arrived, despite his obvious lack of an invite.
Maher: Hoi you blokes. Andy Maher’s not been good enough to join us, but here he is anyway!
He comes inside.
Maher: Hey Bruce, what’s Tony Shaw doing outside, loying on the ground with a replica Olympic torch and three bumps on his head?
Bruce: Don’t you mean two bumps?
Monkhorst: Ehheh. No, three bumps, Bruce. He got up and started telling me how good he was winning the Norm Smith in 1990, so I gave him a little tickle with me shifter.
BT: (Chuckling) Are you sure it wasn’t your Monky wrench?
Monkhorst: Shifter, dipstick. Don’t you know the difference?
Bruce: Hey Andy, you did try to help Shawy up, didn’t you?
Maher: Yeah, of course oi did, Bruce. But he was actually very unkoynd.
Malcolm: That’s understandable.
Bruce: Really Andy? What did he say?
Maher: Well, obviously he was suffering quoyt seriously from concussion... but he called me Andy Maher-shmallow, then said I talk stupid, I look like Milhouse and I suck up to Chris Judd .
Tim Gossage: Finally Tony Shaw starts talking sense!
Robert Walls: Not that there’s anything wrong with sucking up to Chris Judd!
Tim Watson: Go Shawy! And to think we treat concussion like it’s a bad thing!
Bruce: Er... Anyway... about the plumbing... Damian I’ll let you get on with what you’ve got to do. The bathroom’s upstairs, second door on the left.
Monkhorst gets busy in the upstairs bathroom, while there’s something of a commotion in the one downstairs. But as Bruce heads off to investigate, Huddo stops him in his tracks, looking quite agitated.
Huddo: Bruce, do you know what happened to the bowl of lolly teeth that was here before? I was enjoying those; they were really getting my sugar levels up.
Rex Hunt: Yeah, I know where they are, Huddo. I went to grab a handful but the bowl was empty. No sooner could I say, “Yibbidy yibbida, that’s all folks,” when I saw someone with a big bag over his head make off with them that-a way! (Points toward the bathroom.)
Meanwhile in the bathroom a crowd had gathered around a forlorn, masked figure huddled in the corner.
Dermott: Mate, why is your head so big?
Matthew Lloyd: Are you an elephant or something?
Huddo: Stealing lolly teeth – he's an animal alright!
As the accusations fly and the commotion intensifies, Stephen Quartermaine reaches down and rips the bag off the offender’s head, causing a spluttering, barely intelligible response...
Man: I am not ... an elephant! I am not an animal!! I am Dan ... Lonergan!!!
The crowd falls silent, in pity at the pathetic man before them. A set of lolly teeth has been carefully positioned between his top gum and upper lip in a sad attempt to enhance his looks.
Rob Waters: Gee we’re sorry Dan. We thought you were the ... infamous ... lolly thief of ... (Tries to make up a story, but remembers that’s Caroline Wilson’s job.)
Caro: Schooschup Rob, you’re juscht embarrasching yourschelf.
Bruce: Well, folks, there’s nothing more to see here, let’s all...
Suddenly there’s an almighty crash, and the crowd rush back to the dining room to find, amid a pile of debris, Damian Monkhorst has fallen through the ceiling and landed right on top of Billy Brownless.
Bruce: Monky, Monky are you ok?
Monkhorst: Oooohh aaaghhh.
BT: Lucky Billy was there to break his fall.
Dennis: Yes, he hit the fat git!
Monkhorst is shaken but appears uninjured, but of greater concern is the state of Billy Brownless, lying face down in the remains of un-eaten pizzas (not his own), with a huge ex-ruckman on his back.
Bruce: Billy. Billy... are you still with us?
Billy remains unmoved, and Michael Christian, seizing the opportunity for a Dwayne-ism says;
“Bring out the body bags, this one’s dead!”
Chrisso ducks as Mark McLure’s right boot is flung at his head. As the boot sails past Chrisso, the front door opens and the boot strikes Tony Shaw between the eyes.
Several guests roll Shaw outside into the garden bed and lock the door, then attention returns to the possibly deceased Bill Brownless.
Dennis: First things first, we really need to get Damian off Billy’s back.
He crouches down beside Monkhorst and awaits assistance.
Gerard Whateley: You’re correct, Dennis. Unfortunately I’m not cut out for this kind of strenuous activity. You know... brains, not brawn.
Glenn Jackovich: You’ve really gotta lift your work rate ... er ... Geoffrey.
Gerard: Pleasssssssse.It’s Gerard.
Stan Alves: Geoffrey! Haha! That’ll learn ya for always calling me Stan “Elves”.
Dennis: Sorry to interrupt, but any help here?
Alves: My back’s gone, Dennis.
Lloyd: Hammy.
Huddo: Low sugar levels.
Roger Wills: Alzheimer’s.
Peter Walsh: TOURETTE’S SYNDROME!
Caro: Oh, for goodnesch schakes...
Dennis: We are going to need someone very strong and masculine...
From among the guests a manly voice is heard.
Voice: Ok Dennis, make some room.
Dennis: Thanks Kelli.
Kelli Underwood bends down and helps Dennis lift Monkhorst off Brownless. He groggily stands upright, rubbing plaster dust from his eyes. Luke Darcy surveys the massive hole in the ceiling and confronts Monkhorst.
Darcy: Monky, you call yourself a professional, but I’ve gotta say I really don’t love the way you go about it.
Monkhorst: Get nicked, douchebag. Who arksed your opinion?
He takes a swing at Darcy, who takes a swing back.
Dennis: The rucks go at it!
Meanwhile back to Billy...
Jackovich: Anyone here know CPA?
Dermott: If you’re meaning CPR, Jacko, fat chance anyone will volunteer after what Billy’s eaten!
Seeing Monkhorst is now off Brownless, Gerard Healy bends down to Billy’s ear and yells,
“THE MONKY’S OFF THE BACK, BILLY!!!”
With that Billy’s eyes open and a smile spreads across his face. He rolls onto his back, his face smeared with five flavours of pizza, a portion of Subway foot long, and litres of frothy. He thrusts both fists in the air... and drops his guts.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Did I say Gerard Whateley’s polite congratulations were interrupted by a hellish, blood-curdling scream? Sorry, what I meant to say was, "Gerard Whateley's polite congratulations were interrupted by a knock at the door."
Bruce opens the door and is greeted by the imposing figure of former Collingwood ruckman Damian Monkhorst. He is dressed in his plumber’s overalls, and is carrying a toolbox in his left hand and a shifter in his right.
Bruce: Damian thanks for coming. I’m sorry to get you out at such short notice, but as you can see, the leak upstairs is becoming a bit of a problem.
He points to a watermark on the ceiling, caused by a leaking pipe somewhere in the upstairs bathroom. It is now starting to form drips on the ceiling, one of which lands on Billy Brownless’s head.
Bruce: You get the feeling that if something isn’t done soon there could be a nasty acciden, couldn't there?.
Monkhorst: Yeah, that’s a big problem Bruce. No doubt it’ll be pretty expensive to fix. I’d better...
Another knock at the door stops Monky mid-sentence. Andy Maher has arrived, despite his obvious lack of an invite.
Maher: Hoi you blokes. Andy Maher’s not been good enough to join us, but here he is anyway!
He comes inside.
Maher: Hey Bruce, what’s Tony Shaw doing outside, loying on the ground with a replica Olympic torch and three bumps on his head?
Bruce: Don’t you mean two bumps?
Monkhorst: Ehheh. No, three bumps, Bruce. He got up and started telling me how good he was winning the Norm Smith in 1990, so I gave him a little tickle with me shifter.
BT: (Chuckling) Are you sure it wasn’t your Monky wrench?
Monkhorst: Shifter, dipstick. Don’t you know the difference?
Bruce: Hey Andy, you did try to help Shawy up, didn’t you?
Maher: Yeah, of course oi did, Bruce. But he was actually very unkoynd.
Malcolm: That’s understandable.
Bruce: Really Andy? What did he say?
Maher: Well, obviously he was suffering quoyt seriously from concussion... but he called me Andy Maher-shmallow, then said I talk stupid, I look like Milhouse and I suck up to Chris Judd .
Tim Gossage: Finally Tony Shaw starts talking sense!
Robert Walls: Not that there’s anything wrong with sucking up to Chris Judd!
Tim Watson: Go Shawy! And to think we treat concussion like it’s a bad thing!
Bruce: Er... Anyway... about the plumbing... Damian I’ll let you get on with what you’ve got to do. The bathroom’s upstairs, second door on the left.
Monkhorst gets busy in the upstairs bathroom, while there’s something of a commotion in the one downstairs. But as Bruce heads off to investigate, Huddo stops him in his tracks, looking quite agitated.
Huddo: Bruce, do you know what happened to the bowl of lolly teeth that was here before? I was enjoying those; they were really getting my sugar levels up.
Rex Hunt: Yeah, I know where they are, Huddo. I went to grab a handful but the bowl was empty. No sooner could I say, “Yibbidy yibbida, that’s all folks,” when I saw someone with a big bag over his head make off with them that-a way! (Points toward the bathroom.)
Meanwhile in the bathroom a crowd had gathered around a forlorn, masked figure huddled in the corner.
Dermott: Mate, why is your head so big?
Matthew Lloyd: Are you an elephant or something?
Huddo: Stealing lolly teeth – he's an animal alright!
As the accusations fly and the commotion intensifies, Stephen Quartermaine reaches down and rips the bag off the offender’s head, causing a spluttering, barely intelligible response...
Man: I am not ... an elephant! I am not an animal!! I am Dan ... Lonergan!!!
The crowd falls silent, in pity at the pathetic man before them. A set of lolly teeth has been carefully positioned between his top gum and upper lip in a sad attempt to enhance his looks.
Rob Waters: Gee we’re sorry Dan. We thought you were the ... infamous ... lolly thief of ... (Tries to make up a story, but remembers that’s Caroline Wilson’s job.)
Caro: Schooschup Rob, you’re juscht embarrasching yourschelf.
Bruce: Well, folks, there’s nothing more to see here, let’s all...
Suddenly there’s an almighty crash, and the crowd rush back to the dining room to find, amid a pile of debris, Damian Monkhorst has fallen through the ceiling and landed right on top of Billy Brownless.
Bruce: Monky, Monky are you ok?
Monkhorst: Oooohh aaaghhh.
BT: Lucky Billy was there to break his fall.
Dennis: Yes, he hit the fat git!
Monkhorst is shaken but appears uninjured, but of greater concern is the state of Billy Brownless, lying face down in the remains of un-eaten pizzas (not his own), with a huge ex-ruckman on his back.
Bruce: Billy. Billy... are you still with us?
Billy remains unmoved, and Michael Christian, seizing the opportunity for a Dwayne-ism says;
“Bring out the body bags, this one’s dead!”
Chrisso ducks as Mark McLure’s right boot is flung at his head. As the boot sails past Chrisso, the front door opens and the boot strikes Tony Shaw between the eyes.
Several guests roll Shaw outside into the garden bed and lock the door, then attention returns to the possibly deceased Bill Brownless.
Dennis: First things first, we really need to get Damian off Billy’s back.
He crouches down beside Monkhorst and awaits assistance.
Gerard Whateley: You’re correct, Dennis. Unfortunately I’m not cut out for this kind of strenuous activity. You know... brains, not brawn.
Glenn Jackovich: You’ve really gotta lift your work rate ... er ... Geoffrey.
Gerard: Pleasssssssse.It’s Gerard.
Stan Alves: Geoffrey! Haha! That’ll learn ya for always calling me Stan “Elves”.
Dennis: Sorry to interrupt, but any help here?
Alves: My back’s gone, Dennis.
Lloyd: Hammy.
Huddo: Low sugar levels.
Roger Wills: Alzheimer’s.
Peter Walsh: TOURETTE’S SYNDROME!
Caro: Oh, for goodnesch schakes...
Dennis: We are going to need someone very strong and masculine...
From among the guests a manly voice is heard.
Voice: Ok Dennis, make some room.
Dennis: Thanks Kelli.
Kelli Underwood bends down and helps Dennis lift Monkhorst off Brownless. He groggily stands upright, rubbing plaster dust from his eyes. Luke Darcy surveys the massive hole in the ceiling and confronts Monkhorst.
Darcy: Monky, you call yourself a professional, but I’ve gotta say I really don’t love the way you go about it.
Monkhorst: Get nicked, douchebag. Who arksed your opinion?
He takes a swing at Darcy, who takes a swing back.
Dennis: The rucks go at it!
Meanwhile back to Billy...
Jackovich: Anyone here know CPA?
Dermott: If you’re meaning CPR, Jacko, fat chance anyone will volunteer after what Billy’s eaten!
Seeing Monkhorst is now off Brownless, Gerard Healy bends down to Billy’s ear and yells,
“THE MONKY’S OFF THE BACK, BILLY!!!”
With that Billy’s eyes open and a smile spreads across his face. He rolls onto his back, his face smeared with five flavours of pizza, a portion of Subway foot long, and litres of frothy. He thrusts both fists in the air... and drops his guts.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Found a stream of the Lions Swans game with a guy commentating in Italian.
Make more sense to me than Derwayne ever has.
Make more sense to me than Derwayne ever has.
He was so painful last night (and Adelaide were so bad), I ended up switching over the Saints-Blues match.
I believe Foxtel need about 100,000 new subscribers to pay for their share of the new tv rights. There are probably a few reasons why this may not be achieved. I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest the presence of one D. Russell may well be one of those reasons.
Thats something you dont need Dan, a haircut, nah, im just kidding with ya - Glenn "I hate everyone but I dont really mean it" Mitchell (but he does)
Can someone please gouge out my eyes
Hawthorn United
Brownlow Medallist
Brian Taylor in typical look at me fashion stamps his opinion by simply yelling over the top of the other commentators. Edwards takes a mark and goes to handball forwards from exactly where he marked it. The ball is simply smothered by the Richmond player as every player would and should do yet BT screams for a 50 metre penalty. Then the replay is shown and he makes up a rule where apparently you can't even smother ball until the umpire has called play on.
This big headed moron doesn't add excite by simply yelling what is just crap commentary.
This big headed moron doesn't add excite by simply yelling what is just crap commentary.
^ awkward looking praying mantis
- Aug 6, 2010
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Wrong thread bro
- Banned
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Good post except the fact this isn't a BT hating thread.
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Surely he was taking the piss. Might not have been 54 times but it was close.
Gaffanator
All Australian
Also how many games did they win this year? I'm not quite sure but I seem to recall the number four being mentioned a few times last night.
Meh. I wasn't aware there was a BT bashing thread. This just came up in my subscriptions so I vented my disgust for the commentating fraternity.
What Dwayne needs is a good talking to by "Angry" Glenn Mitchell
He brings everyone down! but covers it up by saying its a joke on the air
and yep, Dwayne would come to blows with Glenn Mitchell with his verbal barbs, anyone does. It would be an awesome fist fight to witness
He brings everyone down! but covers it up by saying its a joke on the air
and yep, Dwayne would come to blows with Glenn Mitchell with his verbal barbs, anyone does. It would be an awesome fist fight to witness
Hawthorn United
Brownlow Medallist
I'm surprised no one at Foxtel hq has told him to drop the "that's as good as it gets" line.
If it's genuinely the best it'll be, wouldn't we all just switch off?
If it's genuinely the best it'll be, wouldn't we all just switch off?
Gaffanator
All Australian
What Dwayne needs is a good talking to by "Angry" Glenn Mitchell
He brings everyone down! but covers it up by saying its a joke on the air
and yep, Dwayne would come to blows with Glenn Mitchell with his verbal barbs, anyone does. It would be an awesome fist fight to witness
He was one of the main reasons I listened to the footy on ABC. His commentary for the cricket was always excellent, what a shame he's gone. It won't be quite the same this summer without him.
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