mellowyellow
𝑅𝐹𝒞
Horrorscopes
I've seen your future...and it sucks!
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically, you don't give a **** about anyone. Most people hate you, but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a funeral and/or make a pass at the widow - an uncaring opportunistic bastard. Someone to whom you owe money to is likely to beat the **** out of you this month. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. You will either end your days bitter and alone, having been betrayed by everyone you ever trusted, or your wife will murder you for the insurance and shack up with your brother. This month you will make a new friend who has the potential to be your longed for soul mate. However, your wife will seduce him, and both of them will laugh their asses off at you - while he drinks your beer in your bed.
GEMINI (May 21- June 21)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply put, you're a manic-depressive schizophrenic. A real ****ing weirdo. The type of person who'd kill his/her own self to win a bet. This month, you are likely to be busy furthering a passionate carnal relationship with a latex sex toy. Either that, or your neighbors dog will develop a rabid fear of you and an aversion to the scent of Vaseline.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. In other words, an unscrupulous bastard who would sell his Mother's kidneys to make a few extra bucks. People generally detest you and they are absolutely correct in their estimation of you. The heavens suggest that you are likely to be murdered and your body disposed of in several trash cans. This will cause much joy and celebration in the lives of all who know you.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, a dumb **** without even the common sense of a carrot. You will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare. People don't really think it's funny receiving photocopies of your hairy ass, but you're the type of arseh*le who thinks it's hilarious. This is a good week to do yourself and everyone else a favor: hang yourself.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them, but you're prone to bull****ting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually homosexual and the majority of Virgo women are whores. This week is a good time to start that masturbating marathon you want to record on your web cam. An older loved one may be having problems and require your support. Therefore, you should avoid older loved one's for the remainder of this month.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you a doormat for every pathological ****-up on this side of the Missouri. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. This month a stranger will borrow your car and tell you straight out he has no intention of returning it. As usual, you are likely to smile and say, "You're welcome."
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However, those are your only good points. You have an insatiable curiosity and a strong desire to try new things, probably because your life is a **** hole in the middle of nowhere - a one-horse-town with no horse. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet or try bungee jumping with the cord tied around your neck. Your romance life is not looking good either. You should dump your girlfriend before she dumps you later in the month.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to be addicted to fetish pornography and import German sex toys. Purchasing that packet of condoms shows that you're foolishly optimistic about your chances of a romp in the sack this month. You seriously need to consider mail-ordering a bride from some impoverished country in Eastern Europe.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet, reflective type. A mean self-centered **** and a closet homosexual. Your best (and only) friend is probably your mother. It's a great month for adventure. The sky is the limit, so get ahead and do all the crazy things you always wanted to do. Of course, you won't enjoy any of it and all of your ambitions are likely to end in failure and bitter disillusionment, but don't let that stop you - it will give you plenty more things to brood 'reflectively' about.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. In short, you have no grasp of reality and live in a complete fantasy world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. This month is not a good time to start a new relationship. If you do, you are likely to have your first experience of transsexual sex while in a drugged condition. Watch out for the safety of your things if you are in public places. Avoid a double-crossing Libran.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are a cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch and an absolute pervert, at the very least, a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights. This is a good month to give your sister back her panties before she discovers the theft and confronts you about it in front of your friends.
I've seen your future...and it sucks!
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically, you don't give a **** about anyone. Most people hate you, but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a funeral and/or make a pass at the widow - an uncaring opportunistic bastard. Someone to whom you owe money to is likely to beat the **** out of you this month. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. You will either end your days bitter and alone, having been betrayed by everyone you ever trusted, or your wife will murder you for the insurance and shack up with your brother. This month you will make a new friend who has the potential to be your longed for soul mate. However, your wife will seduce him, and both of them will laugh their asses off at you - while he drinks your beer in your bed.
GEMINI (May 21- June 21)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply put, you're a manic-depressive schizophrenic. A real ****ing weirdo. The type of person who'd kill his/her own self to win a bet. This month, you are likely to be busy furthering a passionate carnal relationship with a latex sex toy. Either that, or your neighbors dog will develop a rabid fear of you and an aversion to the scent of Vaseline.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. In other words, an unscrupulous bastard who would sell his Mother's kidneys to make a few extra bucks. People generally detest you and they are absolutely correct in their estimation of you. The heavens suggest that you are likely to be murdered and your body disposed of in several trash cans. This will cause much joy and celebration in the lives of all who know you.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, a dumb **** without even the common sense of a carrot. You will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare. People don't really think it's funny receiving photocopies of your hairy ass, but you're the type of arseh*le who thinks it's hilarious. This is a good week to do yourself and everyone else a favor: hang yourself.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them, but you're prone to bull****ting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually homosexual and the majority of Virgo women are whores. This week is a good time to start that masturbating marathon you want to record on your web cam. An older loved one may be having problems and require your support. Therefore, you should avoid older loved one's for the remainder of this month.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you a doormat for every pathological ****-up on this side of the Missouri. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. This month a stranger will borrow your car and tell you straight out he has no intention of returning it. As usual, you are likely to smile and say, "You're welcome."
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However, those are your only good points. You have an insatiable curiosity and a strong desire to try new things, probably because your life is a **** hole in the middle of nowhere - a one-horse-town with no horse. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet or try bungee jumping with the cord tied around your neck. Your romance life is not looking good either. You should dump your girlfriend before she dumps you later in the month.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to be addicted to fetish pornography and import German sex toys. Purchasing that packet of condoms shows that you're foolishly optimistic about your chances of a romp in the sack this month. You seriously need to consider mail-ordering a bride from some impoverished country in Eastern Europe.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet, reflective type. A mean self-centered **** and a closet homosexual. Your best (and only) friend is probably your mother. It's a great month for adventure. The sky is the limit, so get ahead and do all the crazy things you always wanted to do. Of course, you won't enjoy any of it and all of your ambitions are likely to end in failure and bitter disillusionment, but don't let that stop you - it will give you plenty more things to brood 'reflectively' about.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. In short, you have no grasp of reality and live in a complete fantasy world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. This month is not a good time to start a new relationship. If you do, you are likely to have your first experience of transsexual sex while in a drugged condition. Watch out for the safety of your things if you are in public places. Avoid a double-crossing Libran.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are a cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch and an absolute pervert, at the very least, a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights. This is a good month to give your sister back her panties before she discovers the theft and confronts you about it in front of your friends.
Spending most of my time in Northern / Western Europe, so will probably miss out on the bride. Damn. 
