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Shermanator

Shermanator

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Here's a stupid little e-mail I just got, so i'll share it with you.


AAP NEW RELEASE 24-09-2001

Di ck Smith and Big Kev are joining forces to buy Ansett.
The airline will be called Big Di ck, and they plan to chase all the Virgins.
The marketing phrase will of course be "I'm excited!"


Has anyone else got a funny/silly/stupid they would like to share????:cool:
 
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''
 
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a eally loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy ****s on you!"
 

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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off
her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

*********************
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I
found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
*********************
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing were wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts
moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
 
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Holy ****!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
 
Note really an email, but one I found:

I'm Hickory Dickory Doc,
Well i was, but I'm now under lock
And key, for malpractice,
But why? Well, the fact is,
I poked all the girls with my ****.

:D
 
"What sweet little ear-muffs!" she cried,
"I'll wear them in winter outside."
"Not ear-muffs!" he laughed
As he whanged out his shaft,
"Why they're *knee-pads* my lovely sweet bride."
 
I've got a few hundred of these


>>
>>A hippie, on a bus, noticed beside him an extremely
>>beautiful nun. Since hippies are not very formal
>>people, he at once invited her to sleep with him. The
>>wonderful woman smiled, declined politely, and got off
>>the bus.
>>The bus driver saw the scene and said to the hippie:
>>"I know how you can have sex with that nun." "How can
>>I?", said the hippie."She goes to the cemetery every
>>Wednesday at midnight, and there she stays for a
>>while,
>>praying," he answered. "Since you have a long black
>>beard and you can easily wear a long white robe, you
>>can pretend to be Jesus Christ, especially if you put
>>some bright gel on your face. Then all you have to do
>>is tell her that you will answer her prayer, provided
>>she has sex with you."
>>The next evening the hippie went to the cemetery and
>>indeed, at midnight, there was the nun, praying.
>>He appeared, with his long black beard, his brilliant
>>face, his long white robe, and said: "I am Jesus
>>Christ, and I'll answer your prayer if you just have
>>sex with me!" The nun, in the beginning, looked very
>>scared, but then she became calmer and accepted the
>>proposal, with one restriction: since she had made
>>virginity vows, she would feel traumatized breaking
>>her
>>vows, so she could yes give her body, provided Jesus
>>Christ consented in having only anal sex. The hippie
>>agreed and they had it.
>>After having sex,the hippie said: "Now, my wonderful
>>woman, I have a surprise for you! I'm not Jesus
>>Christ! Do you remember me? I'm the hippie who sat
>>beside you on that bus!" And the nun answered: "No
>>problem. I'm not a nun, either. I'm the bus driver!"
 

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Here's another, it was sent to me by a female friend





> Good Hygiene Will Really Wow The Doctor
> >
> > >I was due later that week for an appointment with the
> > gynecologist, when early one morning I received a call from his
> > office saying that I had been rescheduled for early that morning
> > at 9:30 AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school
> > and it was around 8:45 already.
> >
> > The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't
> > have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to
> > take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits,
> > but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
> > So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the
> > washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the
> > sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.
> >
> > I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
> > hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
> >
> > I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me
> > in.
> >
> > Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on
> > the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
> > pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles
> > away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My... we
> > have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I
> > didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief
> > and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping,
> > cleaning and the evening meal, etc.
> >
> > At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready
> > for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom,
> > "Mom... where's my washcloth?"
> >
> > I told her to get another from the cabinet. She called back,
> > "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my
> > glitter and sparkles in it."
 
These were sent by another female friend

Things you'd Love to say at work, but can't:

*And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be........?

*Do I look like a people person?

*This isn't an office, it's HELL with flourescent lighting.

*I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

*Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

*If I throw a stick, will you leave?

*You!.................Off my planet!

*Does your train of thought have a caboose?

*Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

*Errors have been made...................others will be blamed.

*A PBS mind in a MTV world.

*Allow me to introduce my selves.

*Whatever kind of look you were going for.......you missed it.

*Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

*See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

*Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my clevage.

*Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

*I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

*A cubicle is just a padded cell without doors.

*Can I trade this job for what is behind door number 1?

*Too many Freaks.......not enough Circuses.

*Chaos.....panic....and disorder.........................my work is done here.

*How do I set a laser printer to STUN?

*I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
 
This one's old, but I love it. Hope it doesn't offend anyone.

Up in Heaven, Jesus and Moses are having a fight over who performed the best miracles on earth. God gets tired of listening to them, so he sends them back to earth, and they arrive on the shores of the Red Sea.

Moses, thinking this is pretty handy, holds his staff out over the water and parts the Red Sea. "How 'bout that, Jesus?" he asks.

"Pretty good," Jesus replies, "but watch this," and he begins to walk out onto the water. After a few feet, though, he begins sinking. He swims back to the shore and tries again, and again, he begins to sink after only a few steps.

Jesus walks back to shore, shaking his head. "I don't get it, Moses. This used to be a piece of cake for me. Maybe I'm getting old."

"No, I don't think that's it." Moses answers.

"Well, what then?"

"You didn't have those holes in your feet the last time."
 
I just got sent this one. It's kind of long...

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out
who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in
an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding!" "Who would buy
that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only
seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at
the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and
drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called say that Santa had been to his house and
left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice,
Gran," Jay said, trying to
steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have
any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny!
Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantle, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of
the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to
mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decided the cause of
Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to
the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the
house.


BAN THE DEED NOT THE BREED
 
One of the nightly entertainers onboard the Titanic was a magician. Every night the magician would do his act in the main ballroom and every night the Captain would sit in the audience with his pet parrot. But every time the magician would do a trick the parrot would suddenly yell out how the trick was done. Night after night the magician grew angrier and angrier as he was made a fool by this parrot. One night while performing his act the Titanic struck the iceberg and sank. The magician managed to survive and found himself a piece of wood to float on. As he climbed onto the wood the parrot lands and sits opposite him, and stares. For two days and night the two sit there staring at each other until finally one day the parrot asks “Ok I give. Where’d you hide the ship?”



Okay, *MUST Stop posting jokes*....
 

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I just had this emailed to me - my friend found it on a website.
True Story: Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers
out of Louisiana, and performs underwater repairs on offshore
drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it
to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for
that one). Anyway, anytime you think you have had a bad day at the
office, remember this guy.

April 1998 - Hi, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job. This time of year the water is quite
cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We
have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
**** sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which
is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and
I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get
to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down
the back of my wetsuit at the neck. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out of
my wetsuit, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had
under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair
on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass
crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed
the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other
divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the
dive.

It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my
chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but
my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got
on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of some cream and told me to shove it "up my ass"
when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't
sh*t for two days because my assh-ole was swollen shut.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me.
Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a
jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But
if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.
 
Originally posted by Asgardian
Here's another, it was sent to me by a female friend





> Good Hygiene Will Really Wow The Doctor
Click to expand...

Dr Lurve likes his ladies to have the three C's. clean, classy and canephorus.

Lurve to all the pretty maidens.
 
Ruff

The teacher was telling class that the human race is the only race that stutters...

Little Johnny says " Thats not true teach; my cat stutters!"

Teacher says "Thats impossible Johnny! Hows that happen?"

Little Johnny says "Well, you know how cats like to lay in the sun asleep?"

Teacher says "Yes Johnny....(yawn)"

"The other day the next door neighbours Rottweiller jumped the fence and my cat stood up on all fours with his back arched and went...

FFFFfffffff FFFFffffff.

"And before he could say Furk Off!! The rottweiller ate 'im"

:D
 
An old couple decided to have a child by artificial insemination. The doctor gave them a bottle with a metal cap and asked them to return with a sperm sample. The next day, they returned, but the bottle was empty. "What happened?' asked the doctor. "Well," the old man said, "I tried with my left hand, and then my right hand - it didn't work. My wife tried both hands. She even used her mouth...and we still couldn't open the bottle."
 

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