Lame Jokes about the AFL

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Swans fan: So what's been happening with St Kilda over the off season?
Saints fan: The Saints set fire to a dwarf
Swans fan: You mean they fired Scott Watters?
Saints fan: uhhhh, yeah
 

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Recently, the Port Adelaide Police Station ran an e-mail forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing." One of the poor e-mail participants posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people, and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt Eastwood, obviously a cop with a sense of humour replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this ... it's not easy. In the Poort, we average one cop for every 600 nuff nuffs.

Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing.
The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.

At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty, and available for harassing flogs while the rest are off duty.
So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 tools. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a numbnut, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a pie, and then find a new prick to harass.

This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.
What we do is utilize some 'other' tools to help us narrow down the scum which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follow:

PHONE: Nojobs will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on an idiot for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give some a-hole some special harassment.
Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass hoons who drive. They like to harass the hoons of fast cars, cars with no rego, or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk or have an outstanding warrant.

RUNNERS: Some porch monkey will take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them. When you catch them you can harass them for hours, to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

LAWS: When we don't have PHONES or CARS or RUNNERS, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass filth. They are called "Laws"; Criminal Code, Motor Vehicle Laws, etc ...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with losers.
After you read the laws, you can just drive around for awhile until you find a gangsta violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a bro in a sickly teal green jumper trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I was allowed to harass this w***er. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.

We seem to have a never-ending supply of pretenders to harass and we get away with it. Why? Because for the good Alberton citizens who pay the bill. We try to keep the streets safe for them and they pay us to "harass" some nublets.

Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better, how we harass the arse-wipes of the Poort.o_O
 
Two footy players were standing at one end of the oval, watching the play, when one of them turns to the other and kicks him in the bum.
"What do you think you're doing?" the kicked player asks.
The other replies, "Just kicking a behind."
 
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Poort Power supporter, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.:D

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said, "you're shaking, what is it?
"You'll never believe what I've just seen. That son of a bitch next door still has my far king shovel!"
 
Q. Two Paer supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Power supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What does a Paaaer supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.:confused:

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Power supporter?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Pooaer supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Power supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a female Paaer supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Power supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a Power supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at? :thumbsu:

Q. Two Power supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Poort supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats. :D

Q. What do you say to a Orrt supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.

BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE....

You know you're a Paer supporter when:

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: "Carn the Maggies ."
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
 
The seven dwarves are trapped in the mine when by a rock fall. Snow White rushes to the blockage to see if she can any sign of life. As she listens, she can hear a faint voice singing,"Good old Collingwood forever....."

"Thank God," she says. "Dopey's alive."
 

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A Crow supporter enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in West Lakes.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the living s**t out of a flag waving, crow-hating, Paer Flog."
The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."o_O
 
cheapchippy it's a little unfair for you to post all these Power supporter jokes when none of them are able to read them and defend themselves.
 
Sorry...run outta Hirdy
In a survey carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Paer supporters said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.
 
A man was standing at a local footy match wearing an Essendon Guernsey. A teenage boy came up to him and said, "I'm a Geelong fan. We have three clubs that have a common link to us."
"What do you mean?" asked the man.
The boy replied, "We are the Cats. That means the Brisbane Lions are related to us."
"Oh, I see," said the man. "So the Richmond Tigers would also be related to Geelong?"
"That's right," said the boy.
The man then said, "But I can't see who the third team would be."
The boy grinned and told him, "The Essendon Cheetahs."
 
The other day I was in the local pub having a quiet beer drowning my sorrows by myself when in walked the most stunning blonde I've ever laid eyes on. Silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt, no bra, and a flimsy cotton top.

She pulled a bar stool up close to me and, sensing that I was down, said 'Hi'. When I didn’t respond she took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have, you see. Yesterday, I was picked to play in the SANFL Grand Final in front of a crowd of about 50,000 at Adelaide Oval. I felt really good then.'

Then she took my hand off her thigh and pushed it up under her cotton top onto a hard nipple, and squeezed my palm into her perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'Better' I replied, to which she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

'Well, actually I have. In the last quarter, we were down by five points with less than 20 seconds left on the clock. The opposition kicked the ball deep into their forward pocket. I took a spectacular mark over a huge pack, played on immediately, bounced the ball three times down the wing, side-stepped a couple of on-ballers, broke two tackles on the half forward line and burst into our forward 50 with another bounce.
Some 15 metres from goal and straight in front, I knew I was about to win the grand final for our team. At that moment, I have never felt better.”

With that, she pulled my hand from under her top and placed it under her mini skirt, guiding my fingers deep into her soft fluffy bush and between her legs.
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Football, have you ever felt such a perfect c#%t? '

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I kicked a far king point”.
 
AFL GRAND FINAL TICKETS

A mate of mine has two tickets to the AFL Grand Final.
Box seats plus accommodation and airfares if required.

Unfortunately, he didn’t realize when he bought the tickets, that the Grand Final is on the same day as his wedding, so he can’t go.
If you are interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at St Peter’s Church in Goodwood Rd, Unley at 3pm. Her name is Louise.
 
Tribute to Dennis Cometti’s centimetre perfect commentary that ends this weekend.

On Melbourne midfielder Adam Yze:

Remember the name: Y-Z-E – terrific young player, bad Scrabble hand.

On the work of Bulldogs star Tony Liberatore as he burrowed into a pack:

Liberatore went into that last pack optimistically and came out misty optically.

On former Melbourne, Sydney and Collingwood ruckman Darren Jolly:

Jolly gets it to Green. Where’s the giant?

On a Carlton champion:

There’s Koutoufides – more vowels than possessions today.

Closely assessing the team list in his Football Record:

Barlow to Bateman...The Hawks are attacking alphabetically.

On the cliches of sport:

So it’s back to the old drawing board. Obviously a luxury that the guy who invented the drawing board didn’t have – Cometti on the struggles of coaches.

On Brisbane midfiedler Simon Black:

He’s like Diogenes or O.J. Simpson – he’s always searching.

On an errant shot at goal by former Richmond star Darren Gasper:

Ahh, Gasper the unfriendly post.

Upon seeing Port Adelaide’s Josh Carr approached by a tackler:

Carr – covered by a third party.

On a collision between Carr’s brother Matthew and former Docker Trent Croad:

Carr was just poleaxed by his own team-mate. Does that qualify as Croad rage?

On the eternal struggles of the tall defender:

Right now Shannon Watt looks like a man in a darkened room trying to discover where all the furniture is.

On a West Coast Eagles champion:

The way Jakovich is playing today he’s closer to teething than retiring.

On Collingwood’s burly full-forward of the 2000s:

When Anthony Rocca backs into a pack, he beeps.

Harking back to his FM radio days with another 1960s music reference:

The Dockers’ defence is in disarray. Everybody wants to be Gladys Knight, nobody wants to be the Pips.

On the unfortunate lot of a lumbering Adelaide ruckman:

Shaun Rehn has been terrific again today but look at him, he’s paid a price. Like a Saint Bernard in a heatwave.

On a Brownlow medal-winning former Bulldogs and Bears star:

Hardie decides to have a bounce. Look at him go. Amazing. Not bad for a guy who’s built like a pirate’s lunch table.

On St Kilda’s premiership drought:

The Saints have had more five-year plans than Fidel Castro.

On the one-dimensional kicking skills of Essendon forward Scott Lucas:

I think it’s safe to say Lucas takes his right leg out there purely for balance.

On his former colleague Robert DiPierdomenico:

That’s the latest from the huddles. For those of you who don’t know, Dipper is a graduate of the Don Corleone school of elocution.

On a former Adelaide and Geelong livewire’s unpredictable moves:

I swear if Ronnie Burns were building a house he’d start with the roof.

On football tactics:

Some people might say that was a set play, but if it was, the Swans must have copied it off a Portuguese bus timetable.

On Simon Black, again:

A lot of talk these days is about ‘inside players’. Well, as we saw there, if Simon Black was any more inside he’d be a pancreas.

On a clash between Essendon and Hawthorn great Paul Salmon and the more slimline St Kilda star Nicky ‘Elvis’ Winmar:

Just as Winmar landed, big Salmon came crashing down on top of him. They’re slowly getting up and now I can report the building has left the Elvis.
 
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