Lame Jokes Part 2

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Celine Dion walks into a bar
The bartender says "why the long face?"

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Two men walk into a bar.

One says, "I'll have so H2O please."

The other says, "I'll have some H2O, too. Please"

They both got water because the bartender isn't dumb as a doornail.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

what do you call cheese thats not yours? nacho cheese

 

[Quadzilla]

you sang it - didn't you?

 

[RedmanWasHere]

you sang it - didn't you?

.

 

[Password is Taco]

Not sure if this has been written already...

What do you call a Laughing motorcycle?

A Yamahahaha

 

[NUFC Tiger]

Celine Dion walks into a bar
The bartender says "why the long face?"

Would work better with Sarah Jessica Parker IMO

 

[NUFC Tiger]

2 peanuts walk down the street.

One was 'a salted'. ZING!

 

[Damp Squarie]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath...
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray ..!!!

 

[Fire Storm]

What's blue and fluffy?











Blue fluff.




I'll be here all week guys.

 

[Fire Storm]

What did the zero say to the 8?



Nice belt.

 

[worbod]

A local hospital is conducting a prenatal class with a room full of pregnant women with their husbands.

A nurse says, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're both in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room becomes very quiet as the men absorb this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room slowly raises his hand.

"Yes?" says the Nurse.

"I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk."

 

[Simon_Nesbit]

Knock Knock
-Whos There
Somebody with arms

My son seems inspired by this form of humour.

Knock Knock
Who's There
Haftap
...

(and his cousins didap, whydyap, etc)

Knock Knock
Who's There
Chooch
...

Knock Knock
Who's There
Cow Sgome
...

(followed by)

Knock Knock
Who's There
Duck Sgome
...

Knock Knock
Who's There
Ty Mash
...

..and the one that inspired me to post tonight

Knock Knock
Who's There
Lu Vyat
...

(no, wait...it wasn't that. After about 20 of these:

Knock Knock
WHAT!

Had him in histerics the whole trip home.

 

[Fire Storm]

A father and son canibal are walking through the jungle then all of a sudden come accross a beautiful fair maiden. The son canibal looks at the faiths and says:

"Dad! Lets take her home and eat her!"

The dad looks at the son and says:

"Let's take her home and eat your mother!"








I like that one. Probably should get upgraded to slightly better joke thread.

 

[NUFC Tiger]

Not so much of a joke but found this pretty funny.

http://worldcrunch.com/default/plas...astic-surgery-advertisement-verdict/c0s10072/

 

[JimmyBeerCans]

What do you throw to a drowning bass player?

His Amp

 

[Fire Storm]

Security guard at Olympic Games working on gate notices guy walking in carrying long pole.

"Pole Vaulter?"

"No, German. But how did you know my name vas valter?"

 

[Password is Taco]

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? ... Ba na na naaahhhhh

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Doctor: So, what brings you here today?
Patient: The bus.​

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Comic Sans walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."​

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Gill Sans Condensed walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?".

 

[Quadzilla]

A mother gives her dyslexic son $50 and says go to Cox's clothing company to buy a seersucker suit. He went to Seers and the staff weren't happy with his request!

 

[Damp Squarie]

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself,
"Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for. "

"I still call Australia home," he says to her.
She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare.
"Obviously not with QANTAS, " he thought.

Still hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan,
"Love to fly and it shows…."

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
"Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said,
"Smooth as silk."

This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the f*ck do you want ?"

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar!"

 

[Damp Squarie]

Girlfriend: Baby, I'm pregnant. What do you want it to be?
Boyfriend: A joke.

 

[Milang_Panthers]

Not sure if its been done yet.
Why was six scared of seven? because seven eight nine!