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Lame Jokes Part 2

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A helium atom walks in to a bar
The bar tender says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here"
Helium doesn't react.
 

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Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.

He told them, "We have reached your destination!"

The first guy gave him money.

The second guy said "Thank you!"

The third guy gave the driver a slap.

The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he did. But he asked "What's that for?"

The third guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!"
 
One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school." "I don't want to go to school," the son replied. His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." "Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." "Not good enough," the mother replied. "Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school." "One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."
 
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas!"

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had very bad day."

"Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?"

"Yes, my wife…"
 
So, Amy Winehouse is dead. To be honest, we all saw it coming.

But Rupert Murdoch knew about it two months ago.
 
A man was leaving a cafe, when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with the black dog.

Behind him was queue of 200 men walking in straight line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog.

"I'm sorry to disturb you. But I've never seen a funeral like this with so many walking in a straight line. Whose funeral is it?????"

"The first coffin is for my WIFE." replied the man with the dog.

"What happened to her????" asked the first man.

"My dog attacked and killed her..." said the man with the dog.

"What about the second coffin????" asked the first man.

"It's my MOTHER IN LAW. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her too..."

A silent moment passed and than the first man asked can if he could borrow the dog...

And the man with the dog replied..

"Get in the line!"
 
Bomber32 said:
A man was leaving a cafe, when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with the black dog.

Behind him was queue of 200 men walking in straight line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog.

"I'm sorry to disturb you. But I've never seen a funeral like this with so many walking in a straight line. Whose funeral is it?????"

"The first coffin is for my WIFE." replied the man with the dog.

"What happened to her????" asked the first man.

"My dog attacked and killed her..." said the man with the dog.

"What about the second coffin????" asked the first man.

"It's my MOTHER IN LAW. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her too..."

A silent moment passed and than the first man asked can if he could borrow the dog...

And the man with the dog replied..

"Get in the line!"
Click to expand...


WTF!
 

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An elderly man who lived on the outskirts of Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
Let's eat Grandpa.

Let's eat, Grandpa.

Correct punctuation can save a person's life.

* I don't get this one :confused:
 
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 

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DREAM TEAM BUFF, the "Let's eat, Grandpa" joke is to with how a comma can change the meaning of a sentence completely. The sentence with the comma (the second one) suggests that the person speaking is suggesting to Grandpa that they eat, as in 'Let's eat' being said to Grandpa. The first sentence, however, excludes the comma, thereby suggesting that they eat Grandpa....
 
Araluenian said:
DREAM TEAM BUFF, the "Let's eat, Grandpa" joke is to with how a comma can change the meaning of a sentence completely. The sentence with the comma (the second one) suggests that the person speaking is suggesting to Grandpa that they eat, as in 'Let's eat' being said to Grandpa. The first sentence, however, excludes the comma, thereby suggesting that they eat Grandpa....
Click to expand...

Thanks that went over my head.
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time he wants.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $15.00!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that - 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador, "Don’t do it!" says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $2.00 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
 
Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon
 

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