Lame Jokes Part 2

[worbod]

A guy walks out of the staff toilet and sits back down at his computer. The co-worker who sits next to him notices he has a weird grin on his face.

"What are you smiling about?" the co-worker asks.

"I just noticed an angry mosquito perched on the side of the urinal", says the first guy.

"How do you know it was angry?" the co-worker asks.

"Because I pissed it off."

 

[MisterMarcus]

Courtesy of Robert Walls on SEN:

Two men were arrested for stealing a calendar.

They each got six months.....

 

[Damp Squarie]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser.
I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked "Why are you here?"
The black Lab said, "I'm a digger.
I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane.
"I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

 

[worbod]

Two fish were in a tank. One said, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

 

[4evablues]

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

 

[worbod]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[worbod]

An old spinster dies a virgin and has asked that the following inscription be put on her headstone: "Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin."

Being short of time the undertaker shortens this to: "Returned, unopened."

 

[robstewart23]

My dog ate all the letters from my scrabble game last night. If he s**ts on the carpet, it could spell trouble.

 

[rustyg70]

Dyslexics of the world,
UNTIE.

 

[Quadzilla]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Another termite later came in and looked across the empty bar ... and he only saw dust.

 

[Quadzilla]

.... suddenly from across the dim reaches of the shady bar, a resonating screech shredded the air as a naked thigh shoved a chair aside. "Wow!" thought the Termite "my luck's changed tonight". He couldn't have been more wrong. The attractive blonde female, sauntered casually past him & left by the main door without glancing back - because she knew the termite wood borer!

 

[Damp Squarie]

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

 

[wce_dyl]

Why can't bicycles stand up by themselves?
Because they are two tyred.

Lame enough for ya?

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Why can't bicycles stand up by themselves?
Because they are two tyred.

Lame enough for ya?

Yep that was wheely bad.

 

[worbod]

I just bought a new house. I don't want to brag but it's right next to a golf course. My balcony overlooks the 3rd, 4th, 8th and 15th fairways, the windmill, the castle and the clown's mouth.

 

[worbod]

I was seeing a girl for a while, until she got new curtains for her bathroom window.

 

[Damp Squarie]

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate,
"That'll be us in ten years."
He said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead. "

 

[worbod]

I was driving through the outback and I found a bloke lying on the side of the road, covered in blood.
"What happened mate?" I asked.
He said, "It was a blue Holden Ute, with three blokes in the front, with a big aerial, NSW plates and 30 cases of beer in the back."
"How do you know all that?" I asked.
He replied, "I fell out of the bastard five minutes ago."

 

[worbod]

A slug was creeping along in a rather dark, wet spot at the bottom of the garden, which he has just discovered. Too late, he realises that he has wandered into a bad part of town where all the snails are tough-assed hooligans. In an instant, the hooligan snails are all over him, have mugged him, taken his wallet and left him bruised and battered at the bottom of a rose bush. The gastropod police round up some suspect snails and arrange an identity parade. The slug looks at all the snails in turn and then shakes his head ruefully.
"It's no use," he wails. "I can't recognise any of them. It all happened so fast."

 

[wce_dyl]

What do you call a belt made from cardboard?
A waist of paper.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call a belt made from cardboard?
A waist of paper.

A belt made out of clocks is a waist of time.

 

[MightyMark]

Two Parrots on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"

 

[MightyMark]

Bacon and Eggs - A days work for a chicken, a life time commitment for a pig.

 

[wce_dyl]

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack, One says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

 

[worbod]

The number 14 walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're under 18."