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Lame Jokes Part 2

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I was supposed to attend a funeral at 7am yesterday. I gave it a miss though, I'm not really a mourning person.

I accidentally swallowed some food colouring yesterday, I'm alright but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

The lights were too bright at my local Chinese restaurant so I asked the waiter to dim sum.

Hardly lame, these are all top-notch :D
 
wce_dyl said:
I was supposed to attend a funeral at 7am yesterday. I gave it a miss though, I'm not really a mourning person.

I accidentally swallowed some food colouring yesterday, I'm alright but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

The lights were too bright at my local Chinese restaurant so I asked the waiter to dim sum.

Hardly lame, these are all top-notch :D
Click to expand...


These three are gold.

Exit signs, they're on the way out.
 
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the Yellow Pages and, sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers".
When the bear remover arrives and gets out of his van, he is carrying a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and has a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained tograb his testicles in his teeth and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 

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A Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Australia.

"The captain gets on the loud haler and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"

One of the Muslims stands up and shouts, "We are invading Australia!"

The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud haler and says "Just the four of you?:D "

The Muslim stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four, the rest are already there!"
 
A big game hunter is walking through the African jungle one day when he wanders into a clearing and is surprised to find a pygmy standing proudly beside a big, dead elephant. Amazed, he asks, "Did you kill that mate?"
The pygmy answers proudly, "Yes sir, I did."
"How could a little fellow like you kill a big elephant like that?" he asks.
The pygmy replies, "It was easy. I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter then asks, "How big is your club?"
The pygmy answers, "There's about sixty of us."
 
Two bags of concrete are walking in the rain.
the one says to the other:"god I hate rain, wish I was home"
the other one replies:"stop crying, you get hard from it."​
 
Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess.
The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says..
"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess,
my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."
 
worbod said:
The number 14 walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're under 18."
Click to expand...
A nose walks into a bar and orders a scotch.
The barman says, sorry mate I can't serve you.
The Nose is furious and deamands why not?
Bartender say, 'because you're off your face!'
 
Double the Fist said:
A nose walks into a bar and orders a scotch.
Click to expand...
Double the Fist said:
The barman says, sorry mate I can't serve you.
The Nose is furious and deamands why not?
Bartender say, 'because you're off your face!'
Click to expand...


A pair of jumper cables and a bra walk into a bar.
The Bartender says "OH no. I am NOT serving you two!!"
"Why not??" asks the bra.
"Well, you're clearly off your **** and your mate looks like he's gonna start something!"
 

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A group of blondes walk into a bar chanting, "44 days! 44 days!"
One of the blondes is carrying a Cookie Monster jigsaw puzzle in a frame. The bartender leans towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asks her, "Why are you all chanting about 44 days?"
The blonde puts the puzzle down on the bar and says, "A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 2 to 3 months on the box, but we completed it in 44 days."
 
Read a newspaper today, disturbing article on a sex crime involving an escapee from mental institute and a dish cleaner at a restaurant before escaping.

Title read "NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS".
 
An old lady has her husband pass away after 55 years of marriage. She phones the local paper to put in an obituary notice and tells the employee to print "Albert is dead."
The newspaper employee replies, "Gee, that's a small notice." After an awkward silence the employee continues, "Well, for an extra three words you won't be charged any more money."
The old lady then says, "Alright. Print 'Albert is dead. Toyota for sale.' "
 

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A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mummy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mm says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!":rolleyes:
 
Letter To The Editor about Tolerance...​
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames.​
I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. ​
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.​
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. ​
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." ​
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."​
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window ​
modeling the goods.​
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered.:D " ​
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please publish my letter.​
 

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