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Lame Jokes Part 2

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Earlier today a prison van collided with a cement truck on Canning Highway. Police are urging citizens to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals
 

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A man was getting out of an elevator in a hotel lobby. As he exited, he accidentally bumped into a woman who was making her way into the elevator. In bumping the woman, the man nudged her breast with his elbow. They were both initially embarassed as to what to say. The man then spoke:
"Madam," he said, "if your heart is as soft as your bosom, I know you'll forgive me."
The woman responded, "And if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
 
Andonis1997 said:
What do you call a kid with one leg, one arm and an eyepatch?
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Eillene:D
....................
South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa.While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Fkin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, "We'd never get away with that at home!"
 
worbod said:
Why did the blonde stay up studying all night?

She had a urine test in the morning.
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Why did the blonde climb a glassed structure?

To see what was on the other side.
 
An eskimo comes home from work, enters his igloo and says to his wife, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?"
And the wife begins to sing, "Whale...meat again!"
 
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Paul, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Paul's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Paul had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Paul, he entered him in the Bairnsdale Agricultural Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Paul the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Paul was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next election, the bells are not always audible.o_O
 

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but i've told a donkey to f*ck off."
 
worbod said:
Why did the blonde stay up studying all night?

She had a urine test in the morning.
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Classic blonde joke. :thumbsu::thumbsu::thumbsu::thumbsu::thumbsu:.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, that's an interesting theory isn't it.

At first, I didn't know how to throw a boomerang, but it came back to me.
 
RedmanWasHere said:
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, that's an interesting theory isn't it.
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Another slant on this joke:

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
You can't change a light bulb. It is what it is.
 

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Staking out a notoriously bad street for drunk drivers, a policeman watched from his car as a guy lurched through the pub door, tripped on the curb and stumbled into a car, falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a breathalyser test. When the results showed a 0.00 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked how that was possible.
"Easy," came the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy."
 
The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"

Susie says, "We need a computer"

Wendy says, "We need a car"

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Lebo boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we far kin need!'"
 
Two old timers sitting on a park bench... "Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So, what's your point?"
"Well, I 'm just wondering, how much stronger am I gonna get?
 
worbod said:
Staking out a notoriously bad street for drunk drivers, a policeman watched from his car as a guy lurched through the pub door, tripped on the curb and stumbled into a car, falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a breathalyser test. When the results showed a 0.00 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked how that was possible.
"Easy," came the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy."
Click to expand...
I swear SkitHouse did this as a skit once. It was hilarious
 
worbod said:
Did you know a person's urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only a whim away?

(A whim away...A whim away...A whim away...A whim away...)
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Love it.

Exit signs, they're on the way out - Tim Vine.
 

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