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Lame Jokes Part 2

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: "So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?"

Arnold: "Nein!"

D: "Beethoven?"

A: "Nein!"

D: "Tchaikovsky?"

A: "Nein!"

D: "Then who would you like to play?"

A: "I'll be Bach!"
 

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I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
 
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand
 

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Punctuation: 
The difference between “Helping your Uncle, Jack, off his horse.” and "Helping your uncle jack off his horse."
 
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
 

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A wife was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GET MORE BUTTER? They're going to stick! Careful! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you are cooking. NEVER! Turn them! HURRY UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them.You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
 
Mr Smith gets an attractive new secretary, Miss Jones.

One day, while taking dictation, she notices his fly is open.

"Mr Smith," she says quietly, "your barrack door is open."

He doesn't understand her remark, but later he looks down and sees his zipper is undone.

Deciding to have some fun, he asks: "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barrack door open, did you happen to see a soldier standing to attention?"

"Why no Mr Smith," she replies. "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
 

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