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Lame Jokes Part 2

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Johnny is pestering Sam.
Sam: "Don't!"
Johnny keeps pestering him.
Sam: "Stop!"
Johnny keeps pestering.
Sam: "You're not listening to me!"
Johnny: "I am too. You said don't stop."
 
Children in Need is on the BBC tomorrow.

Given the current situation, I don't think the BBC are the best judges of what children need.
 

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One day I accidentally overturned my cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s Paul, and I’m OK thanks," I replied.

"Paul, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

elizabeth.png

"Well okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host. Then I repeated, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said.
 

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, Hell no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh dear, no! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

"And what did he ask, Mary?” the priest enquires.

“Please Mary, will you put down that bloody gun?”
 
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.”
 

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