Discussion manangatang's Diary

[manangatang]

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Dear Diary,

Wow – what a first week of the season!

I’m sitting writing this in the cheese room at the Snow Dome. I like it because it’s quiet, and I can talk to the cheeses without feeling the searing judgement of the human soul.

I’ve taken a particular shining to a wheel of Comte, who I’ve named Simon. Dr. Schnitzerhund doesn't really seem to like him, but then again he wasn't a fan of Mr. Tebbitt at first. Now they're famous friends.

I mostly felt good over the last week, although there were a few bumps along the way.

What I’m thankful for:

Diary; this week was very exciting because I got to meet a new friend - tony. Tony’s mum seems to be pretty unsupportive with respects to his Xbox passion, but I do like that she bought him a PS3 in the end. He seems a standup guy and I hope to get to know him better.

It’s lovely to have new friends because it takes my mind off the hate-fuelling emotions of Season 28. Between tony, Simon and Mr. Tebbitt things are looking up.

I also found out that a poster that I thought had disappeared two seasons ago – The Jesus – was actually still around our community. Not only is he not dead, but it turns out he’s on my team! It’s really lovely to see old friends again.

I found some really great articles to read - one was called 'Enough Is Enough' and it was so good I read it twice.

And to top it off, my Qooty team won! We beat the Fighting Furies, who are a fairly scary bunch of people. They scared off my new rookie before he even had the chance to post. I guess that bit was sad, but I'm trying not to dwell on it as Tarks kicked lots of goals.

What made me sad:

I heard that a player for the Bombers breached some sacred rules, which seems pretty bad really. I wonder if the league has some legendary-style entities who could wade in and ensure the principals of these sacrosanct rules are upheld. Anyway, I'm sure that the person they call 'Admin' will punish them with the full force of the laws we spent the entire last season refining.

I also read somewhere that this ‘Admin’ person tried to cheat in a fantasy online community tipping competition. I don’t know if it’s true, but the mere thought of this made me cry for a little while. I had to have a roast beef sandwich to cheer up after that.

Goal-setting:

I got a really lovely note from a guy who sounds like he’d be particularly helpful at a scrap metal recycling centre.

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It turns out he’d like me to make this thread a bit more like Ljp86's fixture, ladder and stats thread. Specifically, he’d like me to ensure I maintain staying power, stamina and persistence.

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It’s a really lovely thought and cherished and constructive feedback. While these are the very same traits I have been asked to exhibit in my bedroom, I think I should set myself a similar goal for this diary.

So my pledge is to ensure that this thread lasts longer than the 'SFA Season 29 Fixture, Ladder and Statistics' thread. I need to prove that I have staying power in the hope that it gives me a much-needed self-confidence boost.

So, in all, I feel like I'm in a pretty good space. I've gotta go now, because it's time for me to sit and read jokes to Simon - he loves jokes.

Until next week,

- Tang.

 

[manangatang]

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Dear Diary,

How are you? Good? Well that’s nice!

I’ve got SO MUCH to catch you up on from the past week.

On Thursday I went to visit Dr. Schnitzerhund for my weekly meeting. This week he did something a bit different. He made me look at some pictures and I had to say the first thing that came into my mind.

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For this first one, I without hesitation yelled out ‘Two ladies dancing on a slightly overcast spring morn!’

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The second one was even easier. Clearly two friendly forest creatures enjoying a delicious vegetarian tagine.

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The third one was a little trickier. I could have gone a few different ways, but ended up opting for ‘the unslaked, yawning chasm of my existential dread’.

At this point I couldn’t help but notice that Dr. Schnitzerhund looked a little bit disappointed and wrote some things down in his book.

What I’m thankful for:

The week started off on a very exciting note. There’s this guy called Kennedy Parker – you might not have heard of him. But he said some nice things about my diary. I even got a Nunez - I'll use it wisely!

I learnt a new word this week from my friends at the Warriors. The word is ‘Morans’, which up until this week I thought was an old-school furniture brand and/or a Melbourne crime family. But these guys seem to use it in another way – I think it’s meant as a compliment as they were calling me and my teammates ‘morans’ all week!

I also saw someone write the word ‘shinninigens’ and it really brought a smile to my face.

What made me sad:

I walked into a room earlier this week and there was lots of fighting and arguing and emotions. The boss of the room kept surreptitiously placing pressure on people in order to get his own way. The people in the room had to make a decision and there was a lot of paranoia and arguing and talks of going to the pub BUT THERE WAS NO PUB.

I’m not sure if I want to go back into that room for a while because it made me feel like ripping my own brain out.

My match thread also made me sad - for two reasons. The less important reason was because my team lost (boo). The margin being so close to our [loss that the doctor doesn’t want me to write about] caused me to put my fist through Simon’s cheesy brain. He’s fine; I just taped over the hole with a picture of pantskyle.

The main reason I was sad is because Dinsdale posted a picture of a rack of hanging shirts. The shirt rack was some hyper-modern and free-standing setup, and the shirts looked really nicely pressed. He said that they weren’t his shirts, but I never did find out whose shirts they were, despite asking several times. I fear that this will just serve to feed my ‘anxiously disappointed monster’, as Dr. Schnitzerhund has labelled it.

Inspiration:

This week, against a tide of shouting and sadness, there was one little trooper that rose above it all. This guy may not have a head, but by gosh does he have a heart!

Headless just quietly went about creating some really neat media and his posting was such a giggle!

Perhaps - as we go through our week this week - we could all try to be just a little bit more like Headless.

 

[manangatang]

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Dear Diary,

This week was a bit of a dark week for me.

Our Qooty team had to play the [team that the Doctor told me not to name] and it brought up quite a few surprising emotions for me.

In our meeting this week, Dr. Schnitzerhund asked me to draw my feelings. I haven’t done anything like that before, but he told me to draw what I envisage my happy place would look like.

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I thought it was pretty OK, but Dr. Schnitzerhund didn’t seem too happy with it.

In other news, it turns out that even if you tape a picture over the hole with a sexy picture, a wheel of Comte just doesn’t last when you punch a hole through it. My dear, dear friend Simon is gone.

It’s OK though, because I went back into the cheese room at Mt. Buller and got to talking to a pretty friendly wheel of Gruyere, who told me that Simon wasn’t actually that nice to the other cheeses anyway. Turns out he was a bit of a curd.

So I think I’ll call my new friend Simone.

What I’m thankful for:

The very same scrap metal compactor I referred to in my second diary entry looked to have had a pretty tough week - I think everyone believed that he really wanted to leave his club (shock). But I think the whole thing was really just a bit of a giggle because he kept calling himself ‘Crushy’ and people didn't seem to believe he really wanted to go in the end. What a relief!

I really like WaynesWorld19 – sometimes I don’t really know if I understand what he’s saying, but something he said this week made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

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Times valuable pheasant sounds like a great name for a font!

Also, we won another game of Qooty, which is nice. The [team that the Doctor told me not to name] are a bit strange to share a match thread with, but 38 scoring shots helped!

What made me sad:

There seems to be a lot of secrets in the league at the moment, and this has me worried. I know I’ve reached out to a lot of people and exposed my deepest, darkest fears and feelings. Now I’m wondering if they’ll be laid bare to the public. @Loonerty‘s thread about Tony Lynn 15 sounded particularly worrisome, if what I've heard is true.

I was also sad to see that The Filth Wizard and Noobz0r had a fight in public this week. I don’t even know why they were fighting, but I must admit that I cried several times about the whole sorry affair. Dr. Schnitzerhund says that when two beautiful, loving souls clash like this, he thinks that they usually get tired of fighting and just – for once – want to be fought for.

Learning of the week:

Diary; this week provided me with a steep learning curve. I have taken on a new job around Sweet.

The pay is shithouse and the work itself is questionable, but I guess it’s something new, right?

So basically what they have done is turned my name a bright blue colour (it’s a bit gaudy, honestly) and given me a view behind the curtains and into the unseemly depths of the league.

I am learning that many of the people that post around here are just plain weird and are probably not the kind of people I should be sharing my diary with. Guess I’ll just keep an eye on them.

 

[manangatang]

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Dear Diary,

After last week’s sadness and troubles, it was nice to spend more time around The Snow Dome with our friends the Hawks.

During the week, Dr. Schnitzerhund recommended I employ some positive mindfulness techniques to help me learn a little more about myself and who I want to be. He wanted me to think about my ‘best possible self’.

Here’s what he asked me to do:

• Take a few minutes to imagine that - in 1 year’s time - you are expressing your best possible self strongly. Visualise your best possible self in a way that is very pleasing to you and that you are interested in.
• Imagine in vivid detail that you have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing your life goals. You might think of this as reaching your full potential. Don’t think of unrealistic fantasies, but rather, things that are positive and attainable within reason.
• Write about the details of your best possible self.

Here’s what I wrote…

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The Doctor told me to put redacted in some places and not to really tell anyone, but he did say he would tell 'the authorities', so that's pretty cool!

Oh diary - Simone and I are thinking of taking our relationship to the next level! She’s a really fine wheel of cheese and I was thinking of asking her to a date. Faith No More are touring Rod Paver Arena shortly, so I thought that would be a good thing to do with her.

Note before I forget: check that it’s OK to bring a whole wheel of cheese to a concert.

What I’m thankful for:

One way of looking at the walking steel compactor's current predicament is to wallow in grief for his lack of team. However, I think about this differently. It seems like Metalcrusher will now get a lot more free time to crush metal while he waits to qualify as a DFA. This is great, because I think a lot of have a real problem with processing of recyclables. His ability to crush metal will be very helpful for our environment. Plus, he doesn't have to play for a team he didn't seem to like!

I had a hearty guffaw this week as I read through some media articles in my spare time. Once again, community leader WaynesWorld19 gave me the chance to have a real giggle – he’s such a wag!

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Learn't is a GREAT word and totally supports Wayne's accusation of this other person being as dumb as dogshit!

Our week with the Hawks was very special – they are a lovely bunch of people really. Letting us win the match was great, and NaturalDisaster's brand of aggressive banter really made me feel warm inside. I’m really glad they got a completely brand new to Bigfooty and the SFA poster to join them!

What made me sad:

I was reading a very interesting piece of media from my friend Headless and then came across a post that made me cry real, wet tears.

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I’m not sure if somebody took a poo in Kennedy Parker's breakfast cereal, but comments like that tear at the very fabric of this league.

I keep hearing about so-called White Knights and it got me thinking. Are there no Knights of colour? Are we making important minority knights feel bad by just using this derivative and exclusionary terminology?

I also got sad thinking about the time Branchy got punched in the face. Poor Branchy.

Learning of the week:

I learnt a new word this week Diary. It’s ‘doxxing’. It’s a pretty funny word, isn’t it?

The dictionary of Google tells me that this is where someone searches for and publishes private or identifying information about another person.

Now - I have no idea why somebody would do this, but it just feels a little bit mean. I feel very sad about the whole thing.

So now I’ve resolved to cease my intricate plan of publishing my list of people I most want to cuddle. I think publishing phone numbers, names and photos of close family and pets might qualify as doxxing, so I’ll err on the side of caution. It's a shame because the last 4-5 months of cyberstalking will go sadly unrewarded.

Until next week!

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

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Dear Diary,

Outside of the match threads, the weeks seem to really be dragging for me by at the moment.

It doesn’t help that Dr. Schnitzerhund has had to quarantine himself. It turns out that his sausage-making workshop involved some dubious protein sources, and this has led to some mild, flu-like symptoms. It also turns out that he shared his sausages with Missy Higgins' Dad, which is fairly weird.

Of course this means I’ve just not been able to see him, and I can sense my mental state slipping. I’ve spent my time doing some home-based activities to stave off boredom.

It’s that funny time of year where it’s too hot for pants but too cold for shorts, so I decided to knit myself some shorts from some leftover hair I had stashed away!



I also thought I’d start a cookbook. I found Tarks’ pet hamster (Presti) and baked him for 40 minutes on a low temperature. I won’t paste in the ‘after’ photo because I’m a bit sad about it.



I’m hoping Dr. Schnitzerhund is out of quarantine soon, because I feel like these projects are just gateways for other, more earnest craft pursuits. I don’t think the world is ready for that.

What I’m thankful for:

We had a really wonderful match thread this week against some opponent friends, the Royals. I got a real giggle out of Noobz0r, while Marlowe inspired me to rediscover my love of robot music. Good times.

My dear friend Headless managed to play one of the best games from the interchange that I’ve ever seen. It's probably the best ever, although I don't really know whether that's true or not.

I love this time of year – trade week! Everyone gets completely overwhelmed with hopes and dreams. The excitement is building as hordes of players start to seek new homes, and captains consider juicy, mutually beneficial trade scenarios.

I’m pinning all of my ennui-breaking hopes on a really active and action-packed week!

What made me sad:

While trade week is sure to be a veritable bounty of excitement and activity, my mind always turns to those among us who miss out. One little warrior in particular comes to mind for me right now – friend of this diary, Metalcrusher (aka campaignery aka crushy).

Making matters worse for him right now is the fact that the Bombers continue to raise prospective trades for him regardless of him not actually being on their list. His little hopes must be crushed just like the metal he disposes of so thoughtfully.

Hey diary - remember that poster I wrote about last week who was having some problems? Well, apparently she did some kind of subtle borderline cheating in a Werewolf game. It’s clear that things aren’t going so well for her right now, and I do hope she agrees to go along to the appointment I made with Dr. Schnitzerhund (once he’s out of quarantine of course).

Learning of the week:

It turns out that people don't really like it when you catch, kill and cook their small furry pets - even Tarks is not immune from this.

Even though I cooked it slowly and accompanied it with some honey carrots and crispy roasted potatoes, he just couldn't get past the whole 'it's my pet' thing.

It's kind of put a downer on my cookbook idea already, which is a real shame.

Until next week,

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

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Dear Diary,

What a crazy, dystopic time we’re living in.

As I write this, I’m in self-confinement in the cheese room at the Snow Dome.

Unlike listeria, I read somewhere that cheese can’t catch or spread COVID-19 so I’ve decided to transfer all of my social interactions to the cheeses in here. It’s pretty good – I’ve got a whole collection of them and we sit down and talk for hours and hours.

Dr. Schnitzerhund is still in self-confinement as well. He sent me a text the other day saying that he was “shitting like a freight train” (whatever that means).

It doesn’t sound very good for him, and it means I’m having to navigate this rocky path to mental health on my own.

Hey Diary – you know how last week I said I cooked Tarks’ pet hamster and he didn’t like it? Well I felt a little bit bad and Dr. Schnitzerhund decided we should do some kind of respectful burial to help Tarks get closure.

Here’s a picture I drew of what was really quite a touching ceremony:



What I’m thankful for:

I got to witness something rare and inspiring this week! It gave me energy and a little spark of joy.

Watching two consenting, naked men embrace – a scene that must once have been considered forbidden – was glorious, although apparently someone got into a bit of trouble for it. It reminded me that love is love, whether it’s a hairy and slightly overweight man or a wheel of cheese.

I’m also thankful for winning another game of Qooty on the weekend, this time against the Gumbies. It was a really enjoyable week, although I was slightly taken aback at how sexual innuendo can be inspired by even the most banal of things. I hadn’t thought of lemon juice running onto or into genitals before and I’m not entirely sure I want to think of it again.

What made me sad:

Werewolf has again shown itself to be a negative force. I saw some people on there fighting and getting angry at each other and I just think that I’m better off taking myself away from that for a while. It just leads to hurt feelings and threats of physical violence and wishing poor health outcomes on one another.

The problem is that every time I push myself out it just keeps dragging me back in.

I had to bear witness to a really rude word this week. It starts with a ‘C’ and has three other letters – I don’t want to permanently scar you by writing it in full. Anyway, I saw that someone thought that Wayne was one of these C words and thought it strongly enough to post it 9 different places.

It took quite some time to delete them all and it made me very tired and a little bit unhappy.

Simone tells me that people who use words like that do it as a compromise between running away and fighting. Or at least that's what I imagine she says (wheels of cheese can't actually talk).

Learning of the week:

So Diary, there was a lot of froth and bubble this week as one of the really popular people around here (his name was Josh) seemed to short circuit and acted out the equivalent of shitting on his account, burning it, blending it, shooting it and then burying it.

It stirred up complex and mixed feelings in me. Confusion. Disappointment. Sadness. Anger. Eroticism. More confusion. Awkwardness.

But I think the thing I learned from all of this is that some people would rather set fire to the world than play their 150th game for a team they don’t really like.

Even if they voluntarily joined said team.

And even if they had the option of asking to be delisted.

Learning can sometimes come from the most unlikely of circumstances.

Until next week!

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

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Dear diary,

Isolation is treating me surprisingly kindly - I feel like I’m perfectly adapted to a life of total solitude. But who am I kidding? I’ve got my cheeses to talk to!

Without any pesky humans to interrupt me, I’ve converted the Cheese Room at the Snow Dome into a bustling community with shared values and common goals. We laugh, we talk, we support each other.

We even wrote a song, which I’ve been practicing on a sitar I made exclusively of human hair and matchsticks.

It didn’t even matter that I later realised that someone else had actually thought of the song before me, I think it’s a ripper.



Other than taking in a delivery of delicious sausages, I haven’t heard much from Dr. Schnitzerhund recently. He’s offered to run a consultation via Zoom, so I’ll see how that goes and will report back next week!

I’m looking forward to showing him all of my craft projects and my new cheese friend (it’s a Gorgonzola named Sha’tiqua - she’s a real firecracker). I’m sure he’ll be well pleased.

What I’m thankful for:

I'm so pleased that I am around to bear witness to some incredible recent media efforts from our friends at the Bombers. The shooping skills exhibited in cadsky's thread would bring a tear to the eye of even the most hard-hearted digital creative, while the content in WaynesWorld19's latest offering is undeniable.

I'm happy to report that isolation has become a time of opportunity for me - I've started watching TV shows I'd forgotten about. I think this clip from The Mighty Boosh is fitting right now, and it certainly brought a smile to my world-wearied face...



My team had a fantastic week - not only did we win and stake our claim on the top spot on the ladder, but we also managed to sign a fantastic poster to our squad - Wise Guy Sam. We're having to quarantine him for 14 days, but I've given him access to my Foxtel GO password and 18 litres of milk, so he'll be fine.

Diary; I'm also excited at the prospect of a new Qooty competition that's starting. It's an AFL-themed competition and there's a chance that I could be allowed to coach the mighty Gold Coast Suns! Now, in the real world this is a shithouse team full of Corey Ellises. But the SIM is the great equaliser - can you imagine if I won a flag with the Suns? Scenes.

What made me sad:

I was a bit sad that a team had to miss out on a week of good, old-fashioned banter last week. The Bombers may not be everyone's cup of artificially-sweetened, poor quality instant coffee, but damnit if they don't have the same rights as all of us. The right to be told they're shit. The right to tell other people they're shit. It's all part of the great circle of Sweet F.A. life, and I was sad that they were kept out of the loop.

It also saddened me to think that some people would rather risk damaging their team's premiership hopes via penalties or player suspensions than banter against certain teams. Now is a time for us to talk more rather than talk less.

The other thing that made me sad this week is the time I wasted in the committee room on attempting to hose down spurious arguments. The committee room is quickly becoming as negative as a game of Werewolf, although to be fair nobody has threatened bodily harm in the committee room (yet).

Learning of the week:

I’ve learned that we all do isolation differently.

Some of us binge on Netflix and Uber Eats. Some of us buy and hoard toilet paper. Some of us cross-stitch pictures of famous mass murderers while setting fire to all of our furniture.

And some of us come together and create armed groups of angry locals!

I was glad to hear that in these uncertain and troubling times, some communities have rallied together to forge an unbreakable bond. Does this come with potentially concerning quasi-militant activity and alleged xenophobia? Sure.

But it’s worth it.

On a completely unrelated note, I hear the Upper Murray region is particularly nice at this time of year.

Until next week!

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

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Dear Diary,

It’s times like these that I’m glad I’ve got you. For the first time in my isolation, I’ve begun to feel a bit unsettled and sad.

Oh it’s not because of a shortage of friends. No; I must reiterate that I have plenty of those within the cheese room! It’s because of how Dr. Schnitzerhund made me feel after our recent Zoom consultation.

Because he and I hadn't been in touch for a while, I decided it would be a good idea to show him some of my favourite friends and favourite places to go in my time of confinement.



You’ll notice that I haven’t gotten around to crafting up Carol’s face yet - I think she’s pretty nice without one. Sha'tiqua is just straight fire.

For context, Dr. Schnitzerhund had just returned from a German sausage festival (there were only 10 people invited) and was in a really great mood. However, I noticed that he became more concerned and almost shocked as our chat went on and as more people were added to our chat.

I think it was after I'd just started talking in my ‘Simone’ voice (it's a thick Belarusian-Slavic drawl that I've been working on for a while now) that he interrupted me and spoke some words that chilled me to the bone. “You’re pretty ****ed up and you should probably find some humans to interact with before you are unrecoverable”.

Well that really took the cheese from my sandwich (so to speak), and has left me wondering how to start the process of reconnecting with humanity.

Perhaps I could open my doors to individual visitors, taking people on tours of my vast and colourful collection of broken pencil leads?

I guess it’s a ‘watch this space’ at this point.

What I’m thankful for:

I’ve found that, even in our darkest hour, it’s important to look towards the sun. Diary – I just made a really clever segue into something that made me happy this week.

It’s a realisation of a lifetime’s work, hopes and aspirations. Yes; I’ve become the real coach of the virtual Gold Coast SUNS. In the real world, I’ve heard people say mean things about my SUNS, but I think that’s just because they haven’t learned how to love them yet. I think it was Tarks who once told me "we can only learn to love by loving".

Individually, I played a pretty good game of Qooty on the weekend, and that’s always nice. I managed to kick six goals from the forward pocket, which is more than any game last season (where I was at full forward). The SIM is humbling in its long-game irony.

I also saw some really neat media articles from my friends and teammates this week. Headless, Proper Gander and Harvey Manfrenjensenden wrote so beautifully in their respective threads that I almost wept with joy. I really liked the idea from Harvey to do a media thread about his 150 favourite trees – it was so good I could have sworn someone else (maybe Headless) would have thought of it first.

But no, apparently not.

What made me sad:

I saw that one of the people in the Qooty community is actively seeking to ruin things for everyone else. It seems that Kennedy Parker has been using his social isolation time to binge read Chomsky. In his latest media article, he makes clear his intent to use his honed talons to tear at the finely woven fabric of all that the posters of Sweet F.A. hold dear.

He’s already started desecrating face masks on avatars and milestone games for less active veteran players. I can only assume there will be outrage, hurt and widespread sadness. In a time when others are calling for love - KP seems to be saying "**** YOU LOVE - **** YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR".

I'm sure there's some psychological explanation for his want to play with our emotions like this - maybe I’ll talk to Dr. Schnitzerhund about it and see what he reckons.

I was also sad that my team lost to the Bombers on the weekend. It brought me to tears and I openly wept for hours and hours and hours. But then I had a thought that I will no longer have to be in a match thread that contains a Drake video clip, and that cheered me straight up. Hate the Drake.

While everything has been good at the SUNS so far, and I'm making lots of a couple of new friends over at the SUNS board, I was saddened to learn that Anthony Miles is no longer in their/our best 22. Poor old Snipper.

Learning of the week:

Banter is a tricky thing, isn’t it Diary?

In among 276 posts made by an individual, I have learnt that you’re bound to have more misses than hits. But I've found that it's how you respond to and bounce back from those misses that maketh the poster.

Specifically, I learnt that if you falsely and bizarrely accuse someone of racism, there’s really only one way back from that. Surprisingly, that way is NOT to come out the next day and pretend that it was all an elaborate and provocative trolling attempt and to accuse others of sooking.

In related news, I also learned that it takes more to be a Humour Coach than simply calling yourself a Humour Coach. Surely there's a TAFE class or somesuch that would provide some more sound qualifications? Might Google it later.

Finally, I learnt that you should NEVER write 'Gold Coast Suns'. No - you need to capitalise the letters in SUNS at all times, and if you don't do that then you're basically Satan.

Until next week

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

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Dear Diary,

This week I’ve discovered that starting to try to connect to humans in a time of social isolation is an ironically challenging task.

I initially sought connection in the physical environment, but every time I tried to talk to someone at the supermarket, they all ran away from me before I could embrace them in a big, loving hug. In desperation, I tried showing off by licking the escalator handles at Coles but that didn’t seem to make people want to talk to me either.

On a totally unrelated note, I’m now feeling a bit feverish and have a dry cough. Probably no big deal.

Anyway, because of my failure to connect with people in the real world, I decided instead to try this ‘social media’ that everyone always talks about. I thought I’d tell you quickly how I've gone with each one I've tried so far:

1. MySpace: This was the obvious place for me to start, as this is where I spent so much time curating my identity when I was younger. I went to find my page, but was horrified to learn that it doesn't exist anymore. Even the edgy quotes I found from Webcrawler seem to have been taken down. Sad.

2. Twitter: I made an account and quickly found a guy that kept calling everyone ‘climatards’, which I thought sounded pretty funny, so I followed him and tried to talk to him. But he kept quoting The New Daily and abusing people who were criticising Scott Morrison (which seemed to be almost everyone). Prospects of making friends on here seem poor; it just feels like a place that people shout at each other.

3. Facebook: I had heard that there’s a thing called ‘people you might know’ on Facebook, so I thought it would be a great platform for extending my contacts. Apparently this doesn’t work with just 3 friends. I did see an interesting ad for Wish which I liked, but I don’t think that will help me make friends.



4. Instagram: This looks to be a very interesting networking tool – people post a lot of photos of food. I found someone who posted a particularly nice-looking omelette and I ‘commented’ on it to say “that’s a really nice-looking omelette. will you be my friend?”. They haven’t replied yet, but I’m hopeful.

5. LinkedIn: Seems to just feature a whole heap of people who call themselves ‘a disruptor’, which makes it all seem very chaotic and not a great place to make friends.

6. TikTok: I read that this was a really popular thing for young people to do, and involves videos. I made a couple of videos of me talking to Mr. Tebbitt and was about to upload them, but then got distracted by a meme involving throwing a cheese slice at things. So I broke into someone's house and made a video of me throwing a cheese slice at their dog:



I then caught Simone looking at me with deep sadness in her eyes (I think she has a problem with sliced cheese - lactose intolerant?), and now I’m deep in a shame spiral. TikTok is not looking good.

There are apparently different types of apps that I can use to connect with real people, so I’ll be looking at these in the coming week or so.

My journey for a human relationship continues in earnest.

What I’m thankful for:

My friend Proper Gander has embraced the power of psychology (and maybe even tapped into the expertise of Dr. Schnitzerhund) in her latest media article. I’m really glad that some troubled folk around the Sweet F.A. will finally receive some much-needed psychological assessment and assistance.

After finishing our match thread with the Bombers last week, I’m really glad to see Metalcrusher back posting in a very prolific way in Bombers match threads. Other teams will surely enjoy the bountiful fruits of his posting in weeks to come!



In the eAFL, my SUNS recorded another famous victory on the weekend – this time against the very brave North Melbourne! Things are looking up, and I think Ben Ainsworth and Brandon Ellis are shining in the virtual football world. Good times.

I'm still doing more drawings and they fill me with joy. I've now got access to software that will turn my drawings into real pictures - I look forward to cutting and pasting some in here next week.

What made me sad:

Sadly, the much-needed assistance offered by PG's thread has come too late for a poster I told you about some weeks ago. A werewolf game was the straw that has almost cancelled the account’s back. Let's hope the foundations are 'laid' for the poster to return in due course.

My team has also started losing some matches of Qooty lately, which isn’t so fun actually. I mean, you spend a whole week bantering and having fun, only for the joy to be so brutally killed on a Sunday afternoon.

On reflection, I feel like killing and eating Tarks’ hamster may have had a profoundly negative impact on his form. Just between you and I, I’m going online shortly to browse for a new pet to help bring back Tarks’ goalkicking form.

Learning of the week:

You know that Zoom chat we had last week?

Well, it turns out that Zoom isn’t such a secure platform after all.

I was browsing… websites… and came upon a video of Simone and I in a fairly compromising position. While I’m not certain that it was stolen from my hard drive by Russian hackers after they covertly spied on our group Zoom chat, I think that’s the most likely cause.

I told Dr. Schnitzerhund that he should probably check that nothing of his has been similarly acquired and misused. He hung up instantly and I haven’t really heard anything from him since, so I assume everything’s fine.

This week I also learned that ‘get laid’ is a highly offensive term to anyone who isn’t an egg or carpet. I will make a mental note to screen for everyone’s willingness to handle such barbed retorts, and will pledge keep a record in my detailed spreadsheet dossier of all posters in the Sweet F.A. so as to avoid offending anyone.

Until next week

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

​

Dear Diary,

A very sagacious and charming person once famously proclaimed: "My loneliness... is killing me", and never have those words resonated with me more than in the last week.

Perhaps it's my failure to engage other actual humans in this time of isolation; perhaps it's the fact that winter's setting in; either way, I feel like even the cheeses are starting to act a little distantly towards me. They seem to be spending more time together and away from me, and appear to share jokes that they quickly stop telling when I enter the cheese room.

Making matters worse is the fact that Dr. Schnitzerhund hasn't been in touch with me (save for a very confusing SMS) since the Russians hacked our Zoom chat and stole all of our files. The message read "Please help; they've found my stash of cured meat pr0n...". I couldn't make any sense of it so I've just ignored it for now, but not being able to call and share my anxieties with him is troublesome.

There was nothing for it but to continue trying to keep myself busy and focus on self-improvement. Accordingly, I decided to turn some of my drawings into real pictures using the computer. I completed a $1,500 online course in Photoshop to upskill myself (can you believe that that course used to cost $25,000?!).

I'll show you just a couple of images that I'm really happy with:


^this is a picture I drew of a lion!


^this one is my favourite - it's an elephant!

Aside from the distraction of my art, I've been trying to make new friends through social media, and have started trying out some dating apps. Here are my findings so far...

Grindr: Before he disappeared, Dr. Schnitzerhund told me that I should look at signing up for this, as it could be a good place to meet friends. I was only on there for a while, but I saw some pictures that reminded me of that banned person who posted that moving image, and I got upset and cancelled my Grindr account.

Elite Singles: This was a little trickier - I tried to sign up, but I'm not sure I qualified as being 'Elite' enough and they didn't let me in. It's a shame really, because the essay I wrote in my application I thought was excellent. It was a first-person narrative from the perspective of a public rubbish bin. Perhaps I'll copy and paste it in here for next week.

I think there's really only one option left for me. It's a dating app that everyone seems to be using, and I think it might be a good idea for me to try.

I'm considering sharing my journey with the entire Sweet F.A. community; I hope they're supportive!

What I’m thankful for:

Particularly in the darkest of times, it's critical to find the light.

Remember how I was so ebullient about other teams getting the chance to enjoy the posting of our friend Crushy in future weeks? Well - it turns out that my very own team was the first in line to enjoy the bounties of his labour! 199 posts might seem like a lot, but from the fingers of Crushy it was just 10 pages of sheer delight.



I'm also just simply delighted that there is yet another support channel open for those who need a little inspiration and joy in their lives. My dear friend brahj has started a thread called #InspirationalPosting and I think it's just swell!

Also, it turns out that two posters who arranged to have their account cancelled really didn't want to leave Bigfooty at all, which is a huge relief! It must have been a simple mistake - perhaps the Russians that stole the video of Simone and I hacked their accounts and asked for their accounts to be cancelled? Anyway, all's well that ends well I guess.

What made me sad:

My beloved Mt. Buller Demons AND the mighty Gold Coast SUNS both lost on the weekend. Losing is starting to not be fun anymore, and I've been getting some messages from people who want me to quit and/or step down and/or cancel my account and/or die. I'm hoping to be able to weather the storm, but it's not been fun getting those sort of messages from my own mother.

I even went to the length of buying Tarks a new pet - it's an Estuary Perch he's named Damian. It was great to see his little face light up when I brought Damian home and organised his tank, and I think they're starting to bond. I'm hoping this will help Tarks to kick goals again, because he's kinda stopped doing that lately.



Learning of the week:

So I ran out of toilet paper during the week, and have little hope of sourcing any more

For a start, I panicked, thinking I could never survive this most accursed set of circumstances. What, am I now expected to be a savage, wiping my crevice on the gardens and hand-rails around Mt. Buller?

Fortunately, I jumped onto Google and found the answer in the form of a new-age cultural movement.

Waffle Stomping.

It's really easy and fun, Diary. Simply enter the shower, turn on the water and do your business. I find that taking your clothes off first helps, but you don't have to.

From there, you just imagine a song is playing in your head (I always think of Nutbush City Limits) and stomp it all into the grate of the shower drain while dancing to that song.

I think I could become a professional Waffle Stomper, and I believe I may never go back to using toilet paper again.

Until next week

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

​

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe how much of the week has already slipped by – I’ve been so caught up in having fun on Qinder that I almost forgot!

So far I haven’t really found a ‘match’ (that’s what the people call it), but there are plenty of likely prospects.

The wider community got involved and gave their feedback. According to them, the candidates considered most fitting for me are Tigerturbulance, harry000 and TheInjuryFactory.

I’m a bit scared of all of them, but I guess it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I'm just going to swipe right on all of them but in the meantime and see where it takes me. If that fails, there are plenty of other options.

I must say that things have otherwise gone sour for me at the Snow Dome. My erstwhile friends, Mr. Tebbitt and Simone, have been cheating on me behind my back.

Look at what I found while on Qinder…


Anyway, we move on and keep the hope of human connection alive.

What I’m thankful for:

There are a few things that made me a bit sad this week, and I found it really hard to see light at the end of the tunnel.

I read some old notes from Dr. Schnitzerhund to see what he’d advise me to do. I recalled that he once said that, in times where I’m not able to be happy, I should seek to make other people happy. Through this, I may allow myself to feel happy.

I decided that a good idea might be to do some crafting for my teammates at the Mt. Buller Demons (who are probably feeling down because of how terrible each of them has been at Qooty lately).

Proper Gander is big on interior decorating and LOVES her terrariums. I went through my old collection of dolls and made a really wonderful lamp for her out of one of her terrariums – I’m sure she’ll love it!



Tarkyn_24 loves to mix up some phat beats on his midi deck, but it was SO PLAIN AND BLACK. So I decided to give it a bit of a tszuj…



As for Yakker, well I know that he is ALWAYS on his phone, so I borrowed his phone case and gave it a bit of flair!



I’m already feeling better about myself from having done just these simple little things.

What made me sad:

Once again, Qooty is negatively impacting my state of mind.

First, the SUNS lost to the ****ing Bulldogs on the weekend, and then on Sunday the Demons lost to the Furies.

This has only intensified the level of hatred and abuse directed towards me, which has led me to set up an email filter on a few common terms. "#sackmanang", "you are a ****ing campaigner", "**** you loser", "you'll never find a friend", "w***er", "dickhead", "shit for brains"

I'm a little torn on whether this was amazing or horrible, but Yakker cooked Tarks' new pet fish, Damian. He made us a Estuary Perch fish tacos, with avocado, lime, green olive and pistachio, served with a green mango salad. I cried with every delicious, harrowing mouthful.

I was also sad to note further impact of these tough economic times brought about by social isolation and global economic suppression. Our friend Santoz appears to have lost his job as a Humour Coach. On the positive side of things, he seems to be forging a new career as a Scoreboard Pressure Act King (mental note: see if you can find pictures or stories of the Scoreboard Pressure Act Kingdom, as this seems like a wonderful place).

Learning of the week:

Qinder is a great and terrible place.

It's a great resource for finding other people to meet and make friends with, but I've gotta say that not everyone has pure motives.

I was approached by someone on there - a guy who insisted on being called SNAKE. I think his name was CALL ME SNAKE. Anyway, this is what he asked me...



Of course, being really keen to make friends, I said 'yes' straight away, even though I didn't really know what a reach around was. I guess I just assumed that it was something that human friends naturally did for other human friends, and probably involved reaching to hand them a beer or something.

He asked me to meet him in a local Bunnings carpark at 10:00pm on Sunday night. That sounded completely fine to me, and I must admit to my heart skipping a beat a little when I got the invitation - he said he was asking 'for a friend', and I was looking for a friend!

It turns out that he wasn't expecting me to reach for a beer for him, but it was something completely different (and too rude to talk about in here, diary). I felt so bad for the misunderstanding that I did as I was asked, apologised and left.

Lesson learned.

Until next week

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

​

Dear Diary,

Great news – I feel like I’m really starting to connect with a human being!

Through Qinder, I’ve met someone who (up until recently) had a completely incorrect assumption about who I was, but who now knows better…



Turns out that beez and I can now be best friends and I can – with confidence – stop talking to an empty oyster shell and a wheel of gruyere. Things are looking up!

I can also now forget about silly dating sites, although I’m still a bit worked up about how Elite Singles not only rejected me, but called the authorities on me for my application.

In response to their sign-up procedure, I wrote them a short story (a first-person tale from the perspective of a public rubbish bin) that I think qualifies me as being elite...



They are obviously not as elite as they claim to be.

What I’m thankful for:

It’s no coincidence that my mindset has changed this week Diary – Qooty wins make me invariably delighted! My SUNS and my Demons both recorded much-needed victories.

For the SUNS, we apparently have a player called ‘Sam Flanders’, which I think is great. He even kicked two eGoals, which helped us win the game!

The Demons were less convincing, but I’ve gotta say Tarks finally stepped it up. I think all of those team changes I made must have helped lift his spirits (specifically, removing myself from the forward line). Who would have thought that listening to advice from your teammates might actually help?

What made me sad:

I found out this week that someone we thought we knew in the Sweet F.A. is actually someone we should have known better. Shock horror, Santoz was found to not be a league rookie after all.

This made me feel a bit strange if I’m honest. I’m not so much disappointed in the ‘scandal’ of his EKA ineligibility (because it’s obvious that sausageroll will win that). No, the real scandal is that nobody picked up on this sooner.

Anyway, on the positive side, it means he's pretty quickly elevated to 'league stalwart' status, so he's got that going for him.

I’m also in a sense of heightened concern as we are about to play the [team that shall not be named] this week, and I’m not sure how to approach it. It could go one of two ways – fight (spam the living **** out of them) or flight (ignore the thread and go and watch that Netflix series on maple syrup production that I’ve been meaning to watch). Watch this space.

Learning of the week:

Having received a warning notice from ASIO about my internet search habits (I was doing legitimate research for my next craft project, which I intended on using human hair for), I decided instead to invest my time this week on searching through the history of my proud club – the Mt. Buller Demons.

I have become enriched with information on the club and its origins, its controversies and victories. Here's just some of what I discovered...

• I learned that the Snow Dome used to have a naming rights partner (‘The Range Rover Snow Dome’).
• I learned that Tarks retired.
• I learned that ‘self interviews’ with interviewers who have innuendo-driven names was all the rage back in the day.
• I learned that cooney once did media.

My mind is suitably blown.

Until next week,

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

​

Dear Diary,

What a busy week it’s been!

It all started when I got a message from someone about joining their new SFA team! I suppose it came out of the blue a bit, given I’m already captain of and committee member for an existing team, as well as being coach of my beloved Gold Coast SUNS.

It was very clandestine and tempting, and I damn near signed up straight away. But no; I thought I’d not succumb to the allure of the sweet millky siren's song. No, I thought instead that I might have a good talk to everyone else about expansion.

Talk about opening a can of annoying, circular argument-inducing worms!

I’m a little bit burnt out by it all, and gladly would be happy to not hear or think about 'expansion' again (although it is my hope to keep the company of a lady again one day, so that might have to change). At its most intense, I felt like running away from it all.

But I cast my mind back to when I used to meet with Dr. Schnitzerhund and I decided it’d be best for me to get a little closure before moving onto more interesting and rewarding things for me.

So I wrote a creative piece of writing about expansion in the hope it can allow me the closure I so desperately seek...

Exciting
eXciting again!
Pennsylvania
Ant Bear loves it sick
Nice to hear about!
So many players looking for premium spots - bursting at the seams
It can only help us to grow even more
Open-minded stances only please
Not going to hurt one bit!

Now I can move on and focus on other things, like finally finishing that chicken coop I’ve been building.

What I’m thankful for:

Another amazing round of Qooty almost has me feeling myself again (figuratively and literally).

My beloved SUNS managed to win big against some shittruck team called Hawthorn.

But more importantly, my Demons really made a mess of the team that has caused me to be in this unhinged mental state in the first place. I still can't say their name out loud (except in my nightmares), but now at least I can laugh at them for a little bit.

I'm also thankful that so many people came together to watch me unveil the secretive cult of expansion - it was a wild ride indeed.

Also, I bought Tarks some new pets this week - 6 Plymouth Rock Chickens. The look on his little face was so enriching, it was an instant payoff!

What made me sad:

I was having such a great week, until I entered the match thread with the team of evil bastards and I saw this...



This drove me into a spiral of despair and PTSD so deep, that only an online shopping frenzy could bring me back to some state of normality. This has formed my learning of the week, which I'm very pleased about - I managed to take a deep negative and turn it into something positive.

Like polishing a turd, I guess.

Learning of the week:

So as I say, I used my grief in a positive way, and directed it towards a bit of online retail therapy.

I went to my favourite source of everyday items, Wish. Here's what I found!

- These will be super-useful for the inevitable post-Waffle Stomp clean!

- I have been looking for a new pair of socks for what seems like forever.

- There are times where it's too hot to be fully clothed, but inappropriate to be naked. Problem solved.

- I wasn't really looking for new pants at all, but Nicolas Cage's face is pretty hard to resist.

- This will be great for stashing cheese and crackers on Qooty game days. I bought the 'Wolfgang' fwiw.

- One minute I'm looking for meat socks, and the next I'm buying 12 chicken helmets and then some actual chickens to put them onto. It was a real trip.

I purchased one of everything, but got 12 chicken helmets just in case! Can't wait til it all arrives in June 2021.

Until next week,

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

​

Dear Diary,

It was another strange and confusing week up at Mt. Buller, with some really high highs and some pretty low lows.

In between these highs and lows, there was this whole patch of weirdness that sort of dominated everything. People unsuccessfully trying to break awful posting records, International Round being assassinated in the cold light of day. There was even a sighting of an Alfa Romeo infestation…



To manage these strange and uncertain times, I finally managed to pencil in some time with Dr. Schnitzerhund, who looks a lot thinner and paler since I last saw him. Apparently, prison isn’t a great place to stay healthy and – in his own words – ‘to stay unimpeded by other people’s appendages’ (whatever that means).

Anyway, he decided to play a game of word association to see what was sitting just beneath my conscious mind…

He first said “Vampires”, to which I replied “Okay!”

He then said “Furies”, and I came straight out with “SHIT DUMPSTER CAMPAIGNERS”

The next thing he said was “Giant”, to which I shouted “GAPES!”

He nodded, then said “Tarks”, to which I replied “Tarks!”

Smiling, he wrote that down and then said “Wonders”. I immediately said “LOL” and we both laughed for a little while.

His face suddenly became more serious as he looked at me and said the final word – “Dragons”.

I think I must have blacked out at this point and went deep into a post-traumatic haze of emotional hell. I woke up with a pencil in my hand and a drawing I had somehow completed. The Zoom chat had been terminated, so I’ll have to email the picture to Dr. Schnitzerhund to see what he thinks…



What made me happy:

My beautiful Dees won again, and are currently in the top 4 (for now). Winning is really great, but winning against the Wonders is extra great! It was a fun and active week of banter, and I was particularly impressed with @SSwans2011‘s use of MS Paint to make some original artwork for us. If that guy ever starts using Photoshop, we have one to keep an eye on!

In other news, the powers that be finally realised that the eAFL was only ever going to be a one horse race and have brought in a mercy rule to bring forward the finals. My SUNS will play in their first ever final, and with me at the helm I’m confident of defeating whoever our opponent is by eleventyhundred goals. At least.

I also witnessed a dear friend’s creative process this week – watching her mind at work was truly inspiring. Proper Gander has crafted a range of ‘SFA Minis’. They’re exquisitely detailed and there’s even one for Headless – tehe! However, there was a dark edge to this - one unnamed captain didn't know if his club's socks were stripy or solid o). Can you imagine?

I was also excited to see the feverish response to the announcement of tony to one of the new expansion teams. Now, 21 posts over 16 calendar years may not seem like a lot. It might even be so little as to bring into question the signing's potential longevity.

However, I feel like tony has just been playing the long game – keeping his legs fresh until such a time as an exciting new expansion team approached him. Smart move tones. Smart move.

What made me sad:

I keep getting told that the league is bursting at the seams with players seeking out premium on-ground positions, and of course I believed it. If it’s written in the Sweet F.A. committee room it must be right.

Apparently not.

Our opponents this week had limited contribution from several of their premium position players, which shook me to my core. To make matters worse, one of their senior team members posted THIS, which was a real mood-killer it has to be said...




I guess the silver lining is that the players who are queuing up to steal a premium position (including the poster above) should be able to just march right in to the Wonders and take one!

Learning of the week:

To post against the Wonders is to learn. Earlier on in the season I learnt a brand new style of banter from one of their rookies, and this time I learnt the importance of reacts.

At some point in the match thread, it became clear to me that I had upset a couple of opponents because I chose not to 'like' react a post from one of my opponents. Now, the post in question was not terrible - I'd even say it was pretty OK - but on this occasion I made a barely conscious decision to not react it. This turned out to be an error.

Generally, I don't usually just react things I don't actually like - I figure that the 'like' react means that you have read and positively reacted to the post in question and/or wish to show your support for the content.

It turns out that I was actually wrong in this logic, and that I should probably think about also reacting things that people pre-emptively assume should be liked by me. It's a puzzler, but I intend on sitting down with a glass of sparkling water and ponder it for a while.

I went and liked it anyway, and it seemed to help things to blow over.

It's always nice to give the grey matter something to roll around.

Until next time,

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

​

Dear Diary,

I simply HAVEN'T HAD THE TIME to be a borderline psychopath this week – there’s been SO MUCH to do!

I've been wrapping up a Qooty Tipping and a SuperQoach comp and - let me tell you - I won't miss the spreadsheets. I will miss the camaraderie and people getting annoyed at me for tagging them all the time. Looks like it's back to being lonely for me.

Later on in the week just gone, Dr. Schnitzerhund approached me with an AMAZING idea he’d had. Since being in prison, he’s been particularly interested in the psychology and dynamics of the prison system. He came up with the idea of creating a prison experiment, inviting volunteers to be classified as either prisoners or prison guards.

He even started creating a mock prison before someone told him it’d been done before (and it wasn’t all that successful)…



It's a shame, because I was going to be cast in the role of a 'bitch', whatever that means, and I was keen to see how it played out.

Other than that, I’ve been torn between the Sweet F.A., the committee room and the e-AFL competition, which is REALLY starting to heat up!

And if that isn’t enough, I’ve been making countless lists for some rookie’s media threads! What a time to be alive.

What made me happy:

The week started with the e-AFL SUNS playing and winning their first ever final! We beat Tarks’ team (Lollingwood), and now we find ourselves playing in a prelim final on Wednesday.

I can't remember typing ‘Touk Miller’ as much in my entire lifetime as I have in the last month or two.

And at the end of the week, my Mt. Buller Demons enjoyed a big win against our friends, the Royals. This was very exciting, because it meant our team finished in the Top 4 again. This means we finished 4 places above the [team that shall not be named]!

On another front, there was a significant swell of support (nice alliteration) for Headless to take the INT 2 spot in the Season 29 All-SFA team. Let’s ride the wave all the way to the committee room!

Finally, as I was scanning the internet for inspiration, I saw a heartwarming picture of two carrots hugging. It made me smile.



What made me sad:

I have been reading this thread by Headless all season about me NOT BELIEVING the season’s most prolific media posting clubs, and all year I assumed that I probably could believe it. It turns out that I actually couldn’t and that’s made me think deeply about who I am and what I’m doing with my life.

Also, there's been a whole discussion about AIDs that has really distracted from my enjoyable consumption of Tarkymetrics. FOR ****’S SAKE – PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SEE THE STATS. I was particularly looking forward to the part where Tarks goes postal about one particular captain making too many team changes.

Learning of the week:

I learned a valuable lesson this week about recruiting in the Sweet F.A.

It turns out that it’s actually important to do more recruiting and to GO HARDER.

This is scary new territory for me, as I tend to roll with something that’s more similar to this.



It worked for Proper Gander, but apparently it’s not what we’re supposed to do…

I must ponder this.

Until next time,

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

​

Dear Diary,

I’m a husk.

A metaphorical hollowed-out seed or nut casing.

I feel like the past week has grabbed a spoon and scooped out my innards, doubtless to feast upon the fleshy fruits of my very soul.

It’s been a LONG season, and according to some dude’s stats thread we’ve been posting HARD (just like we should GO if we’re recruiting), so it’s fair to expect the wheels to get a little wobbly.

Around the Sweet F.A. boards, I’ve noticed that people seem to be talking themselves around in circles, as though there’s nothing left to bring. Someone ranting about expansion conspiracy theories. Some people saying there are none. The same person ranting about conspiracy theories again. It's a doom loop.

In spite of this, the energy at Mt. Buller has been good.

Tarks’ pet suckling pig (his name is Jason Wild) remains uneaten, Headless has been fielding interviews from all manner of Qootball media about the new and marvellous song that has been written about him. Van_Dyke has been working furiously on some secret plans - I think he muttered something about a ‘leadership coup’ but it could have been ‘need a ship poo’ so I don’t really know what he’s doing.

So why am I feeling like a husk?

Maybe it’s because Dr. Schnitzerhund has started training to become a prison guard and has limited the number of appointments he’s taking. Maybe it’s because my crayons ran out and I haven’t been able to draw my feelings.

Or maybe my husk-like status is due to the week’s wild variation between insanely high highs and disappointingly low lows.

What made me happy:

The thrill of coaching the eventual winner of the inaugural e-AFL season is indescribable. That’s right, Diary, my dear SUNS managed to win the whole ****ing thing! I was able to put the disappointment of Touk Miller losing the e-Brownlow behind me and rocked on in to witness the glorious and historic SUNS victory.

if I'd known about the cameras, I would have flipped the bird too

The game was basically won by a dominant display from my new favourite player – Jarrod Witts. I call him Wittsy (it's a nickname I made up all by myself). He’s disarmingly handsome and SUPER-TALENTED!

In addition, my beautiful Mt. Buller Demons managed to win a final against the Furies. It might not sound like such a rare thing (and, honestly, it’s not), but that doesn’t mean it’s not enjoyable. We now get a week off to rest and recuperate.

The most beautiful part of our win was the fact that we could #doitfordeaneus or, more precisely, he could do it for us!

4 : 19.25 {rHFF} - Shepherded through for a goal.
Fighting Furies : 13.6.84
Mount Buller Demons : 13.10.88
4 : 19.3 {C} - Textbook ruckwork from Tigerturbulance.
4 : 19.37 {lW} - JackBero looking for a lead.
4 : 19.42 {lW} - Gets hands off within the nick of time.
4 : 19.46 {lW} - You've got to get rid of it son.
4 : 19.5 {rW} - Van_Dyke signals for his teammates to present.
4 : 19.54 {lHFF} - A kick in the general direction of sante.
4 : 19.58 {lHFF} - Howzat? Great mark to sante at full stretch to his left.
4 : 20.02 {lHFF} - sante takes off.
4 : 20.07 {CHF} - Quick hands to Oddhawk under pressure.
4 : 20.11 {rHFF} - A lookaway handpass to moginie.
4 : 20.15 {rHFF} - He handpasses to deaneus.
4 : 20.19 {rHFF} - deaneus has a shot from fifty.

4 : 20.23 {rHFF} - And a little dance from deaneus as the ball sails through.
Fighting Furies : 13.6.84
Mount Buller Demons : 14.10.94

I’m also really positive about the prospect of moving out of lockdown – I might even leave the cheese room again. I’ve got a list of things to do once I do get out – throw a rock into the lake, get a haircut, lick a park bench…

What made me sad:

Nothing else could fit into this section alongside the news we received about our dear friend deaneus.

He’s a well loved figure in the Sweet F.A. and its various Werewolf games, and we were devastated to hear of the fight he has ahead of him. Having said that, we’re right behind him and will be cheering him on from our virtual football world.

Learning of the week:

This week’s learning is more observational than formal, Diary.

I made the discovery this week that podcasts often work better when at least one of the guests is out and about – on the move, if you will.

Whether it’s wandering through random fireworks shows, almost being run over by a truck because you were distracted by a recumbent bicycle or raiding the booze section of a local IGA, taking things to the streets is obviously the best way to go. The audience loves it, there’s an element of risk and quite clearly the finished recording product is the beneficiary.

If you have cats named after old footballers who break toilet seats, well that's just cream.

Until next time,

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

​

Dear Diary,

This was a landmark week for MANY reasons.

While on the surface it may have appeared that we had a ‘week off’ from Qooty, I can assure you I kept myself as busy as a hungry man with no hands trying to eat rice with one chopstick.

The most exciting landmark for me was the releasing of lockdown restrictions at Mt. Buller. Richard_Cranium told us he was sick of not being able to hook up with divorcees at the buffet of the local RSL, so he was making the executive decision to throw open the doors.

First order of business for me was to take my ‘iso hair’ and go to the local barber...



Then it was straight off to my local for a succulent hotel meal and one or two Rosés (which Tarks likes to call ‘bitch diesel’).



I then finished off my day of excitement by sitting and watching two pigeons copulating. It was very gentle and wholesome to watch, and lasted for what seemed like 2.5 hours. But it was really 3 hours.



It just felt so good to escape the confines of my lockdown and get back to doing normal things!

What made me happy:

If the excitement of my first day of getting out of lockdown wasn't quite enough, get a load of this!

Dr. Schnitzerhund called me with some rather moving news on Sunday evening. Apparently our vanquishers from last season had suffered defeat and would not be playing any further in season 29. I don’t like to enjoy the losses of others, but I must admit to feeling as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

So momentous was this revelation that I feel ready to attempt to write their name again. Here goes.

Drag.;&urivjds

Not bad - I’ll work on it.

My own team plays another preliminary final this week, and I simply couldn’t be prouder of them. We’re going to keep pushing on to #doitfordeaneus! (apparently he’s changed his name, so I'm trying to remember to use an exclamation mark).

What made me sad:

Some people are too blindly and mindlessly reliant on ‘stats’ when deciding on the All-SFA team, regardless of whether or not the position of the nominated player actually accumulates silly stats like 'DT points' or 'kicks'.

Accordingly, I have decided to commence a crusade to make a wider range of on-ground positions more appealing and rewarding. I might even use STATS to do it!! I'm sure Tarks will help me.

I'm also starting to be worried about someone who is seemingly taking a long time to COME. It feels like it would be frustrating or potentially even problematic for it to take so long.

Learning of the week:

With a dearth of late-season media available for my perusal, I decided to head on over to Harvey’s latest committee appreciation article. I was expecting to see Maslowe’s hierarchy of needs evolved to a 'hierarchy of nerds', but I got so much more than that!

I found myself enthralled by a wild conversation about mead, woodfolk and about how a pyramid has to be at least as large as a loaf of bread to be legitimately considered a pyramid.

I even learnt that the word ‘axes’ is more interesting than I first thought it was. It’s a plural of a wood splitting implement, a plural of the perpendicular lines on a coordinate grid or graph and is even a present verb!

I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

Until next time,

- Tang

 

[manangatang]

​

Dear Diary,

I have news; equal parts exciting and dread-inducing.

The Mt. Buller Demons have qualified for another Grand Final.

I’ll be honest – I want to just feel plain old excited and PUMPED. But something is gnawing away at me – an unvanquished sense of dread.

When I first heard about it, I let out a little squeal and then descended into a weird fever state. Concerned about my behaviour and state of mind, Headless kindly locked me in the cheese room for two days.

While confined, I didn’t let myself remain idle. My mind was racing with vivid images and waking dreams, and so I took my trusty ‘carving spoon’ and set to work creating shapes out of cheese.

Here’s what I made…

First of all, I made a sculpture of my captor…



I then decided to carve a statue in honour of the vanquishing of my tormentors from last season…



…then I thought I’d do a carving of Tarks’ pet cow (his name is Andrew Tranquilli)…



Finally, I got spiritual and spent time carving a nativity scene, in the hope that my homage to the Baby Cheeses would help in our plight this week…



At this point I started continually braying like a satanic donkey, so Headless released me and now I’m feeling much better.

A quick shower later and I’m now ready to hit this Grand Final HARD.

What made me happy:

In our preliminary final against the Wonders, we were 29 points behind at one stage in the third quarter. For those playing at home, that’s quite a lot.

But situations like that are just a breeding ground for heroics, and we had plenty of heroes to help pull us out of the hole and send us to another Grand Final - how exciting! Callums_Guns kicked a couple of cheeky last quarter goals and Headless stood around looking pretty. It was really nice to see.

The Wonders’ ‘last dance’ was finally executed, thus ending a very clunky and unexpectedly stretched metaphor. I think I speak for the rest of the Sweet F.A. when I say ‘thank **** for that’.

It was also most excellent to see the inclusion of three of my teammates in the All-SFA team – they should be most proud.

What made me sad:

I was genuinely saddened to see my worst nightmares confirmed in the selection of the All-SFA team. My dear friend Headless, who has had one of the all-time great posting seasons and who has done more for an unglamorous on-field position than anyone else in league history, was snubbed.

It would truly have been my proudest captaincy moment, and I’m feeling more than a little disenfranchised with the whole ****ing league. The system is broken.

I post this with disappointment rather than hope...



Learning of the week:

I have learnt that some people have dyscalculia when assessing the quality of nominees for an All-SFA team. They insist that possession count and DT points should be the only thing to consider when assessing the stats side of team selection. This of course just leads to 13 midfielders (including rucks) being selected in a 20-player squad.

I learnt that such people quake in horror at the idea of potentially depriving that 11th best midfielder a spot in the team, or - even worse - confining them to a spot in the back pocket.

For these people, it seems a real shame that our teams can’t all just feature 20 midfield positions and must instead adhere to archaic constructs such as ‘defence’, ‘attack’ and ‘interchange’.

I have a way of fixing this, and I must do so. Hint: it doesn't involve 20 midfielders.

Until next time,

- Tang