Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

[Carson Dial]

As I put my car into reverse, I thought to myself, "this takes me back."

 

[CliffMcTainshaw]

Extracts from Donald Trump’s report cards.

"Since my last report, this student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this student to breed."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young man has delusions of adequacy."

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This student should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his I.Q. reaches 50 we should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

 

[Jumboprince]

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed and said she would try it when her husband got home that night.

When they met the next day, Julia asked how it went. Anna immediately started crying.
“We’re getting a divorce!” she sobbed.
“What? What happened?” Julia asked concerned.
“I tried to do your trick, but as I laid my hand on his dick, it was actually quite warm. I didn’t know what to say, so I asked him:
Why isn't your dick cold, like Peter’s?”

 

[Jumboprince]

What do you call a Russian man with three testicles?

Whodjanik Dabollockov

 

[Jumboprince]

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

 

[Run n Spread]

After a steamy one night stand a lady bursts into tears.
What's wrong asks the man
It's just I bet you tell your mates everything and I will be gossiped about.
Of course I do replied the man but don't worry they don't care. It's my wife who's so dam inquisitive

 

[Carson Dial]

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.”

 

[Wallaby]

At a future mob rally -
Leader: "What do we want?!"
Mob: "TIME TRAVEL!"
Leader: "When do we want it?!"
Mob: "Really doesn't matter."

 

[STFU Donnie]

Sign seen recently at a Soothsayers' convention:

Event Cancelled Due To Unforeseen Circumstances.

 

[philreich]

It's amazing how we all see things differently:

* A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
* An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
* A realist sees a freight train exiting the tunnel.
* The train driver sees 3 idiots on the train track........

 

[Jumboprince]

If Prince Phillip hangs on much longer, then Buckingham Palace will be announcing the death of the Duchess of Sussex before his...

 

[raskolnikov]

A guy breaks his arm and goes to the doctor, the doctor says ok, I need a urine sample before I can fix your arm, so he goes home and tells his wife, she says that’s crazy, she says I’ll pee in the bottle that’ll teach your stupid doctor, he says hey, I could put some engine oil in it, she says great why don’t you jerk off in it too.

He goes back to the doctor with his messed up sample.

The doctor looks at, smells it, then even takes a small sip.

The guys looking pretty smug knowing this quack hadn’t got a clue what he’s doing.

The doctor says well

your cars f’ed, your wife’s pregnant and if you don’t stop jerking off, your arm will never get better.